BBC article on domestic violence - 'family based' solutions - why is it making me uncomfortable?

[ArabellaScott]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-68942471

Front page BBC.

First family were 'helped to stay together' despite the man being controlling and abusive.

Second family is a male victim of abuse.

I looked into the organisations 'for baby's sake' and 'Foundations'. Part of the latter's approach involves seeking to push an American organisation in the UK - 'Fathers for change'.

Is it just me who finds the focus, omissions, and dynamic of this reporting and the underlying drive slightly off?

Why do I have the feeling this is about getting women to shut up about dv? It looks like it has aspects of MRA movements to me. But maybe others have different perspectives?

Yes. Agree @anothernamitynamenamechange

Let’s deal with the “she loves him” issue.

True conversation

Her “I go back to him because I love him”

Me: “what is it about him that you love?”

Her “when we were first together he was so attentive, nobody ever cared about me as much as him” (there was more than this)

Me “so what did he do to make you feel you could go back”

Her “ He was like he was when i first knew him his old self, loving and caring again the man i missed”

Me “So how long did the man you missed last?”

Her “A few weeks, he promised all sorts, I wanted to believe him, it was so good, like when we were first together”

Me “When you were first together……. “

Her “what do you mean”

Me “so what you want from him is how he made you feel when you were first together”

Her “yes”

Me “so what you have to do is leave him, every now and then, to get the real him back?”

Her “oh”

Me “is it possible that the real him is not the man you love. Is it possible therefore that the man you love does not actually exist?”

She never went back

Maybe i should do an AMA thread.

I witnessed DV as a child and built on that, to develop my expertise. Thats what women do.

Yes this. He doesn't bother with them anymore but there was a time when I wished I hadn't left, because he was never alone with them when we were together. They were hurt themselves during contact but it had to carry on regardless.

Ask a woman who has escaped an abusive relationship, and she will probably be able to tell you whether she thinks the psychological abuse, control, and coercion was 'less bad' than the physical.

My body is changed beyond repair because of the trauma he put my brain through.

I'm so sorry, zara.

Years ago I went to a talk by a famous marriage counsellor. He said after 30 years of counselling he had finally realised that all he had done was help train couples to attack each other in more subtle ways using pseudo therapeutic language. None of the marriages were actually healthier or happier.

Seems to me that these sorts of programmes simply help a man become controlling in a more subtle and insidious manner making it harder for the woman to recognise it and leave the man. More effective gaslighting.

I think contacting someone about it seems a good idea, but I'm not conversant with the structures or bodies involved.

If anyone has been following the dialogue in Australia, there has finally been a widespread narrative that some of these men abusing their partners cannot be rehabilitated or safely allowed contact with their partners and they need harsher measures and better recording. The only
actual change so far is some more funding for women to leave but that is a big help and it’s a pretty recent shift in dialogue. And a lot better shift than this article!! In terms of saving women’s lives.

Not everyone wants to get up and just leave their abusive partner. It takes time to get there.
So how about we DO support those who are abused and the abuser, until they get the courage to walk.
It's not a win win situation. Its not a case of convincing the abused to stay with the abuser. You may have the attitude that if you are being abused, just leave. But not all abusive relationships are easy to walk away from.
So yes.
Support them, both!

I think contacting someone about it seems a good idea, but I'm not conversant with the structures or bodies involved.

Neither am I, but was sort of thinking that she is attached to Government but outside of it, and works directly with DV projects so could be in a position to raise concerns.

My SIL’s abusive ex is skilled in therapy speak and ‘my mental health’ talk.
He’d have loved a programme like this. Plays straight into the coercive control mindset and gives (overwhelmingly male) abusers a chance to play to the gallery. She managed to get a divorce but will never be free of him as they have two young dc; he uses them as pawns in the game.

@bilgewater Of course he will that is what they do. And the children will be harmed no matter what mum does.

Not everyone wantsto get up and just leave their abusive partner. It takes time to get there.

Surely you mean

Not everyone feels they are able to get up and just leave their abusive partner. It takes time to get there.

Not everyone realises they can leave their abusive partner. It takes time to get there.

I haven't, but will look into it. Thank you, sounds interesting

Over my cold dead body, in fact way beyond, will I ever support an abusive man.

Plus it's s not only about 'courage'. Many abused women don't even understand what's going on.

I agree, but to be fair, perhaps the pp meant 'support them both' as in 'support both types of programmes, for women who feel they can leave and women who feel they can't'

Rather than 'both' referring to victim and abuser?

I was abused for 2 years before I found the courage to walk away.

If we both had support - me to realise I DID NOT deserve that, and him to realise that he has serious mental health issues, it may have helped us both walk away sooner. He was genuinely dragged up and knew no better. He was destined to be that way. So how about we do support them to STOP THEM, to educate them.
Abusers should be supported . Sometimes they know no better.

This article from a legal perspective seems to understand more than this funded group:

Reassessing presumption of parental involvement in cases involving domestic abuse

The Family Law Journal article addresses the dangers of a ‘pro-contact’ culture within the English legal system, and the risk of exposing children to an abusive parent. In considering the negative impact that contact with an emotionally abusive parent can have on a child’s emotional and physical wellbeing, the article proposes that Practice Direction 12J should tip the scale in favour of no contact.

The Domestic Abuse Act 2021 has brought the harm caused to a child who witnesses abuse into sharp focus. Yet, the case law has established an exceedingly high threshold for departure from the presumption. The threshold requires ‘cogent’ or ‘compelling’ reasons for no contact. In previous case law, the judiciary seemingly performs an inversion of logic and discounts the effect of coercive control on a perpetrator’s children, contrary to the express provisions of PD 12J. This has led some experts, such as Jane Callaghan, to argue that children are considered ‘passive witnesses of abuse’ by the judiciary. Such an attitude is harmful because it fails to consider the indirect harm a coercive and controlling household can cause.

https://www.stewartslaw.com/news/reassessing-presumption-of-parental-involvement-in-cases-involving-domestic-abuse/