SIL (25 years old but vulnerable and has been diagnosed with ADD& Aspergers) wants to use GenderGP

[breadandroses92]

I recently discovered SIL's reddit posts and have discovered that she identifies as trans (female to male). She has posted that she is looking into using gender GP; in her words-'considering a private gender clinic. I don't have a lot of money, I make below minimum wage, and I want to save up for surgeries'

I was going to keep my beak out of it and tell no one but DH as she is 25 years old (though she still is dependent on her mum and spends most of her life in her room, is socially isolated and also has been diagnosed with said illnesses).

However i watched the itv documentary on the clinic and have been reading more about GenderGP and dr michael webberley. It seems he is running Gender GP in spite of being struck off and even the trans people on reddit admit that there are issues with them e.g. not checking bloods.

To quote:
'HOWEVER, the issues they have include (but I’m sure are not limited to) mistreatment of employees, not checking bloods (which has killed or nearly killed some transmascs and otherwise caused problems with a lot of people using their services). Also problems with dosage etc. Most of this can be mitigated by using a third party for bloods as well.''

They have also moved offshore. The UK doesn't accept their prescriptions as they are signed off in singapore but people have managed to get around this by ordering testosterone from online pharmacies (omg what if they are fake?!) Mumsnetters have told me that since she barely leaves her room (she earns her money by writing online), she would be unable to do anything about it, but given that gender GP seems to be largely online and she is capable of getting out of the house on her terms (she just chooses not to most of the time), wouldn't this mean that she could be putting herself at real risk.

Should her mum be told? In ordinary circumstances, it would be her business but bearing in mind all the factors I have discussed above? Please be kind cos this is all new to me.

She does sound vulnerable - what does your DH think as she’s his sister?

I would tell your DH and advise him to tell their mum although I guess this would depend on what you think her mum’s reaction would be. It certainly isn’t something you should feel the need to stay out of. Yes it’s her own life and decisions as an adult but isn’t the point of families to help out and challenge/ support where possible?
If it were my SIL I would definitely find out what the plan is, what’s driving it, what alternatives could be, pointing out the downsides etc. She is probably in a Reddit echo chamber atm and might benefit from a balancing view. Has she read the detransitioning literature? Is she going into it with her eyes open? What would success look like? What impact might this have on her dating pool? What will she do if she changes her mind?
However you will obviously need to go into it very sensitively to avoid alienating her and also because she’s obviously not feeling happy and is quite vulnerable. Ultimately it is her decision of course but making sure she is fully informed and aware of any alternative routes to help her manage her feelings along with the offer of support (to the extent that it doesn’t clash with your values) would be appropriate. Good luck xx
edited to remove typos

I cannot challenge my SIL on trans issues. She is very very pro trans rights (and now i know why; previously i thought she was just being Gen Z).

It would be up to her mother ultimately, its whether I should give her mother the information or do I have no right to? Since she obviously isn't ready to 'come out' to her mother.

Her mother has always adopted a 'gentle parenting' approach but is also very religiously conservative. Her children do what they like, for example, my DH is openly atheist and MIL/DH still have a close relationship. So no worries about SIL's personal safety.

This would probably shock MIL but MIL probably wouldn't do anything. However, MIL thought she was getting so much better (MIL knows she has issues even though she has ignored the aspergers and add diagnosis) and this new piece of information may convince MIL that she isn't getting any better and perhaps MIL should completely change appriached

He doesn't know what to do either.

Yes, if someone vulnerable might be buying quack medication online then I would inform their carer. At the very least they need to know what to tell paramedics they've possibly taken in a worst case scenario.

Ignoring trans issues, is it possible to encourage SIL to join you on any kind of regular activity/outing that gets her out of her room and off the internet? I realise this is easier said than done.

We try regularly to invite her to go out with us to museums and out for walks. Even bought her a movie voucher for the holidays so that we could see a movie together (never happened). She is nocturnal so that does interfere with it.

We come for Saturday lunch and her mum told me that the only reason why she is there at the lunch table is because she calls out to her at least 3 times before lunch starts. If we aren't there then MIL dines alone. She is visiting her father abroad for a month so hopefully less Internet time. However when she visits her grandparents abroad she is always in her room, usually sleeping. I was visiting at the same time as she was and I barely saw her despite the fact that it was supposed to be a family reunion (involving siblings from other countries as well).

Yep. Never mind gender GP.

https://www.reddit.com/r/t531hgt/s/k6BiITDjGY

This is horrifying.

Link doesn't work so here is a screenshot

Taking the word trans off the table it's a bit sad that this young woman who is able to earn money writing is being exploited for the little income she has by this useless drug and surgery industry isn't it? If it was multi level marketing we wouldn't hesitate to say she's being manipulated out of her money.

Add in the fact that testosterone is harmful and the surgery is even worse it's actually far worse than just ending up with a shed full of unwanted cleaning products. Neither of the products being sold work in the way they are marketed.

I wouldn't hesitate to tell my family if I knew a young vulnerable person was being financially exploited like this and was at risk of physical harm from what they were selling her.

Just don't say the word trans and the issue is far clearer.

I'm fascinated by the lack of affirmative posters jumping in here.

We can no longer be bothered.

Autism and ADHD aren’t ‘illnesses’ though. If that’s what you mean in your OP.

How vulnerable/ dependant is she OP? If she is 25 and has capacity then I really think you should speak to her first about your concerns and not go directly to her family member who you've already said is unlikely to be supportive.

I think you risk her losing all trust in her brother (and you) and by taking her agency away in this way, you're likely to push her even more towards her internet 'family' and the ideology she'll find there.

Autism and ADHD are not illnesses. Neither is being trans. No I’m not going to come back to this thread as I have no interest in debating the MN echo chamber.

@breadandroses92 It might be worth getting your DH the book 'When Kids Say They're Trans' which despite the title, does cover the health risks and comorbidities, and techniques for helping young/vulnerable people (which she is, esp given her situation). Being very online is not going to help at all. Ask her/MIL if she spent a month away from the internet, would she still have these feelings?

ADHD for people who have it severely is definitely an illness as it impairs functioning and is a diagnosable disease and is often improved by medication. It is a chronic illness but if it wasn't an illness there wouldn't be doctors involved. Mild autism often affects people minimally but severe autism is also an illness with diagnostic criteria.

Technically it's a disability / disorder rather than an illness or disease, but I'm not sure why those disagreeing with the OP are bothering to pick her apart for a slightly inaccurate phrasing choice and addressing nothing else.

I think if we did tell her mum, we would ask her mum to keep it a secret as well. As a FYI.

In my DH's words:
Are we telling my mother because we believe she has the right to know? Then we should tell her.

Are we telling her because we believe she would do the right thing/improve things? Then we should give up on that because she wouldn't.

He is close to his mum but he also knows her. She loves her children but she wouldn't do anything proactive. My DH went to an ultra religious primary school that taught no English or maths because she couldn't figure out how to pull him out even when he was being bullied/denied an education. He is fine now, has his masters, a job, his own flat in London but I guess this non interventionist approach doesn't turn out well for all her children. There is a reason why she has stayed so socially isolated all these years.

So I wonder whether it's even worth telling her. She might even react badly towards it. Not in a sense of negative consequences towards SIL but because she would dislike having information that she may have to do something about.