Powerful poem from a transman

[pickledandpuzzled]

I don’t know whether this link will work. I know nothing about Ethan. I found this so powerful- the recognition of what was done to Emily.
I wonder whether there was a way to let Emily live.

Whatever- very expressive and powerful. Good luck to Ethan coming to terms with Emily. Poor Emily.

https://www.facebook.com/share/v/r4wnttUY4TCsYkHR/?mibextid=KsPBc6

I agree.

This isn’t a choice that can be changed - it’s not like the regret that you might feel if you’ve married the wrong person, or moved to the wrong neighbourhood, or booked an expensive holiday that didn’t meet your expectations and you’re £££££s out of pocket, or you took the wrong job. This is a life choice that Emily made at a very vulnerable time in her life, no doubt fuelled by a very vocal and persuasive ideology, and now has to face the lifelong consequences. There’s no sense of joy, relief or peace whatsoever there.

There were a couple of interesting comments below. One said it was ‘one of the more interesting things she’s read about sterility’.
Another quoted a poem about mirrors and images, and was challenged about that. That we waste time and opportunity trying to understand who we ‘really’ are.

Oh dear lord that poor child. There's something in my eye.

I would say unequivocal regret rears it's head in the middle of the night, in the darkest hours. To be on stage you have to have harnessed some amount of stoicism

That poem doesn’t talk about gains.

I think the poem, and the line ‘I am sorry this process is taking so long’ and ‘ maybe I don’t understand death’ are reflecting on the fact that the transition has not birthed Ethan in the way the poet expected. Emily, according to GI never really existed, or at least should have died as the ‘authentic’ identity of Ethan was released through medical transition. But that hasn’t happened. Emily abides. The person the poet was, is the person the poet still is. And now the poet is trying to find a way to understand and navigate that.

That is what I have taken from it. It’s a fascinating and insightful poem, but I do find it deeply sad. I find it hard from that poem to believe that medically transitioning to appear as male was the best way for that young person to manage the difficulties they were clearly facing. The line ‘this body is obsolete’ does not sound like someone who feels like surgery and hormones have given them their ‘true’ body.

All you become is your same self but with a broken body

I hear some relief at survival even if that involved the sacrifice of Emily- who s/he admits didn’t survive.

It was deep and complex and I guess even Ethan won’t fully understand it for some years- assuming you believe (which I do) in subconscious communication.

Yes. All possible interpretations are deeply sad, that is beyond doubt.

The gains I saw, @coldbrightmorning , were about making it to 21 and having forged an identity they could live with. Ethan is bright, articulate , well presented and was able to deliver that poem. That is impressive.

I believe they could have forged that identity as Emily. I don’t know whether Ethan believes that- perhaps, but perhaps not.

For absolute clarity, I don’t think anyone is truly trans. I think some people resolve some of their issues in transitioning. I don’t believe it’s the only way they could have done so. I recognise that for some people it feels that way.

There are parallels with suicide. We don’t believe suicide is a rational choice, we see it’s a response to an unbearable illness. I haven’t given a trigger warning, should I have? The whole thread is about self harm, imo.

We don’t believe suicide is a rational choice

Side note. I do believe suicide can be a rational choice. Including in the situation you give, of prefering it to unavoidable pain.

But that’s a different thread!

Yes I agree @coldbrightmorning but society and the law doesn’t. And it certainly isn’t always.

Watching that I see 100% regret. And terrible sadness. However much she is trying to convince herself that she's ok and shes living her best life now, in her eyes, her words and her whole being I see a person thats miserable, confused and very much full of regret and unhappiness.

Yet.

Indeed.

Hopefully Ethan will have lots to say and we’ll find out how things pan out longer term.

And hopefully things go well- I know none of us would want to be proved right in our suspicion that Ethan and Emily’s problems are not over.

Powerful. I see the woman who could have been a champion on the women’s baseball team, shrunken inside their baggy man-suit. Articulating a pain and grief that hasn’t quite resolved itself into regret. Good luck Ethan for the healing of your physical and psychological scars.

Just read an interview with the poet. These statements jumped out.

• Why did you give the poem that title?
• Ethan Smith: I worded it that way because it felt the most comfortable. I know that I don't personally believe I was a girl – obviously I've always felt like I was a boy, but having been raised as a girl and socialised as a girl for so long it still makes more sense for me to address it in that way.
• You say sorry to your younger self in the piece. Can you describe what was going on for you there?
• ES: The apology isn't about what I did; it's about what the person I was had to go through to get to where I am now. So it's an apology for not recognising it sooner and not being able to verbalise any of that. I'm pretty happy now, I'm glad I got here eventually, but it is just acknowledging that it was hard.*

Interview

This Trans Guy Wrote A Letter To The Little Girl He Once Was To Say Sorry (buzzfeednews.com)

Very traumatic to watch. How can ‘doctors’ who add physical pain to a psychological one sleep at night?! We are talking about vulnerable children too. Very predatory. Your day will come!

I hear regret, and sad acceptance that there’s no going back.