Need some advice re DS

[SiliconHeaven]

I’ve not posted here before but I need some advice, hope that’s okay.
My DS is visiting for Christmas, he’s in his late 20s. When he was a teenager he was considering that he might be trans, he never spoke to me about it at the time but I had seen things that he’d posted on social media so I was aware.
He was (is) very socially awkward, on the spectrum, and I believe that he was so uncomfortable around other boys and felt that he had little in common with them that he thought he was much more like the girls. He found girls easier to relate to and more accepting of him. He wanted to be one.

Cut to now and we do talk about it. Well, argue about it. I’ve explained that I don’t believe in gender and that I believe you cannot change your biological sex,but he just gets angry and insists a woman is anyone who says they are.
I’ve tried safeguarding children, the removal of women and girls’ safe spaces, the removal of the word ‘woman’ in case it offends the trans community, the cognitive dissonance in trying to believe a man is a woman because he says he feelz like one. We just fight.

I'm disappointed in him because he’s an educated intelligent man.
I know I should shut up but I just want the scales to fall from his eyes :(

How difficult. Personally I'd go for the "I love you unconditionally, you know I've got your back no matter what. We disagree about this - from me because I worry for you as it's a hard life ahead. But let's leave it for now and just enjoy Christmas.

And then pick your battles. It must be terrifying to see him caught up in all this but he's an adult and it is his choice. I reckon all you can do is be there when the inevitable fall out happens and in the mean time - just be by his side?

One of my DDs thinks that TWAW sometimes. We dont talk about it at all. Thats the only way I can be sure I wont drive her away. She knows how I feel and I know how she feels but ultimately our relationship is more important.

Is he transitioning now or is it just that he was thinking about it when he was younger?

Assuming the latter, I wouldn't keep having this argument. You won't always see eye to eye with your children and some of those disagreements will be over very fundamental issues. Neither of you are likely to change your minds, so I would just accept you disagree and change the subject.

Tell him you now identify as male, you are now his father and your pronouns are he/him.
Don't change the way you dress, and just continue to be you, but insist on using the male facilities when you're with him.

Watch how quickly the penny drops then.

And he won't be able to say no, call you mum etc as that will be invalidating your identity.

Play him at his own game.

Last year when visiting my daughter and her wife, they were very TWAW, as we were in their home, I shut up. This year I was very heartened to hear DiL say that DNA doesn't change and the skeleton of a transwoman, if found in a hundred years, will show he was a man. Just wait and he may well come to realise that it's all fantasy.

I would ask yourself why you are spending your Christmas visiting time arguing with your son about which people are women, and whether that’s how you really want to spend Christmas. There are many different things which people disagree with their relatives about. Life is short and before you know it Christmas visits will be a thing of the past. Sometimes its wise to be mindful and think about whether we are really spending our time as we would like to.

OP, can you take a more sideways approach? Show him the abuse and exploitation of women which they cannot identify out of. If woman/girl is an identity, how do the taliban and ayatollahs know who cannot attend school, leave the house, uncover their hair, choose who to marry and at what age?

Maybe show him any of the many interviews with detransitioners. (Benjamin Boyce recently interviewed 'Shapeshifter', a formerly trans-identified man who cannot live as a man again, so extreme is the surgery he has had, and he is now bringing legal proceedings.)

He sounds too far gone to be able to hear anything you say at all.
I’d avoid the topic completely, it’s just not worth the constant fights.

I agree with this. Focus on everything else in his and your lives. All the points of contact. Shared interests, sense of humour etc. Lessen the power of this aspect of his thinking by increasing the volume and resonance on other topics you can have positive discussions about.

Here is an article by Stephen Hassan.

"To help a family member in the grip of a cult or conspiracy theory, it is vital to maintain an open line of communication. Cults and conspiracy theories often drive a wedge between individuals and their previous support systems, so maintaining trust is crucial. Be a supportive, non-judgmental presence in their life. Avoid confrontation about their beliefs, as this can lead to further isolation.

Encourage critical thinking in a non-confrontational way. This could be through asking questions that prompt self-reflection rather than directly challenging their belief...."

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/freedom-of-mind/202311/how-to-help-a-loved-one-with-problematic-beliefs

The gender a wonder lense podcast has an excellent episode on how to have difficult conversations around this issue with young people.

Sorry that should be gender a wider lense.
Episode 132 is the one I'm thinking of but there are also some new ones that sound like they might be worth a listen too.

If he has dropped the idea for himself though I would just start clear and focus on building your relationship

Definitely don't argue about this or try to tell him that he's wrong.
I would avoid the subject unless it actually comes up. Just have normal conversations.
If it does come up, tell him that you love him unconditionally but this is something you don't agree with him on.

He's ASD and this is his special interest? No way would I try to argue with him, it will just unleash even more interest in the topic and stubborness.

I would be avoiding the subject like the plague and trying to spend time doing real life activities, leaving him a lot less time for navel gazing.

Thank you all for your advice. To clarify there’s no transiting now, he’s a man and much more comfortable in his skin, whilst still believing that TWAW and a that a man only has to say he’s a woman to magically become one.
I can’t show him anything, that is what I try to do to change his mind and it just causes arguments. I know I need to just never bring up the topic.
I like @ToBeOrNotToBee ’s idea but he would know what I was up to!
I’m currently reading Graham Linehan’s excellent autobiography, DS is not impressed: ‘anti-trans’ he thinks, ‘women’s rights activist’ I argue back.