I walked away

[JellySaurus]

At a function today, where people were drifting in and out of groups, chatting, eating etc. Another woman and I were talking about our experiences of menopause and GP attitudes to HRT. A transwman joined us and started talking about how dreadful it was to be told to stop taking HRT because they were going to have an operation.

I walked away in the middle of them speaking. I'm not sure they even noticed, as they were perfectly sociable with me minutes later.

I've known this person for years. Not well, but well enough to know that they are a damaged and fragile individual. I have no wish to hurt them.

Clearly they were trying to find commonality with us beyond that which drew us all to this event. But it was not commonality, it was appropriation.

😔

Sounds like you did the right thing.

I think you did the kind thing, actually 'kind', not the 'be kind' sort.

Good for you. Women need to protect themselves from this bullshit.

Yes, good for you. The concoction of fantasy and gaslighting is an assault on women’s truth.

Thank you. I did not think of this.

Isn't it weird how feminine socialisation embeds in us...

It's been bugging me. Was I rude? Do I care that I was, technically, rude? Was my response disproportionate? Or did I bug out by not addressing the issue? Did they notice the snub? Are they used to being snubbed, so I hurt them anyway?

An old memory has resurfaced. Of the time a man tried to persuade me into his car when I was about 11. I did not get in, but what bugged me afterwards was that he was asking for help and I refused to help. I walked away.

I have 'grey rocked' people before. It seems the best approach all round. Mild smile on the face, gently drift away.

Any other approach has risks.

Well done x

By refusing to listen to offensive bullshit?

I wouldn't give a hoot if I was rude. Put yourself first for once. What will be the best way to avoid getting upset and avoid provocation?

Your response sounds perfectly sensible to me.

Vote with your feet. Always a good policy.

Good for you, OP. He was prioritising himself in butting in on your conversation. You prioritised yourself by leaving it.
I agree with you that the socialisation to make sure people, particularly men, don't feel uncomfortable runs very deep. Even with complete strangers. I recently shared a cafe table with 3 random strangers in a venue foyer while we all waited for an event to start. We'd been chatting a bit about the event. The two other women who were together went off to the loo and I was left with the man on his own. I had already decided he was a bit of a knob and I really didn't want to have to make conversation with him any longer. Or worse still end up sitting next to him at the event. So I also got up on the pretext of finding the loo. But I had a real twinge of feeling it was really quite rude of me to leave him on his own.

And thinking about it now, thank goodness for single sex loos. Or he might have come with me.

Kindness is a real double edged sword.
Its been weaponised in the modern age, a veritable iron fist in a velvet glove.

So, you must be kind is to incorporate this individual. You maintain your distance and boundaries...you're being unkind. All agency is taken away from you.

This person's eminent kindness in showing kinship with you, claiming to be part of your group. Now kindness is a battering ram, used to knock down your defences. No matter that the end result is aggressive and destructive, the kindness is used nevertheless.

End result, unless you totally capitulate, you're the one being unkind.

There's an expectation both sides are feeling, that the woman's job is to enable.

Declining to serve is an insult. How the woman feels is irrelevant. She is there to be used for male need meeting.

It's just basic, standard sexism.

But yes, difficult as what you don't want to then have to deal with is more being used in pouting, flouncing, drama and punishment for not meekly reading your script. I think you probably did the right thing and what many women would do; just slip quietly away.

I think that was the most graceful response in the scenario. Not giving it energy.