Daughter struggling with gender identity

[MatJas]

Hope this is the correct place to post, my daughter was diagnosed autistic when she was 12, she started her period age 11 had a huge growth spurt and grew large breasts, 34E age 12. She struggled with her new body and wore everything oversized to cover up, she has struggled massively with the transition to secondary school which happened during covid and suffers from anxiety. I think this is all relevant which is why I’m mentioning it, she has asked a few times for a binder to stop her breasts growing any bigger saying that she thinks she’s trans gender, I think it’s related to the hating of her new body. One of her friends has recently decided she wants to be gender neutral and I think that my dd is possibly being swayed by this. As an autistic female she has been used to masking her condition by copying other girls so not sure if this is the case or not. Also up until puberty she was the girliest girl uou could possibly imagine. Anyone have any advice for me and anything I can do to help her figure things out without upsetting her further, thanks

Is she on the internet a lot?
I'd check where she's getting the idea of being "trans" myself.
It's very fashionable right now so it could be something she's picked up at school, but if she has a lot of access to the internet on her own I'd be worried.

Tell your daughter she is beautiful as she is. Explain to her all teenagers feel unhappy about their body’s it’s normal to feel this way with hormones and comparing themselves to others. I remember feeling ugly and flat chested. It’s a hard time being a teenager. This is all normal and changing to another gender is not the answer. She needs reassurance that she is normal to feel this way and learn to love herself as she’s perfect as she is.

@Whippetlovely thanks for replying, I tell her all the time that she is gorgeous as she is and that all teens go through difficulties with their bodies etc but she tells me she won’t change her mind and if she doesn’t that’s fine, my issue is does she just know about all of this bc she has read about it online, I’d never even heard of a binder until she mentioned it

Also you could tell her that bodies come in all shapes and sizes and that is what unites us as human…we are all different and special and unique . And that sometimes copying others is not the right thing to do especially when we feel badly about things going on around us.

@Ramblingnamechanger those are wise words thank you

Tell her a binder will damage her breasts and so you are not getting her one. Teenagers can call themselves what they want and dress how they want, but they need us to tell them where the line is and physical damage to their already perfect growing bodies is well over the line.

Has she got support following her diagnosis? Might there be something local, perhaps, that she could access?

I wonder about activities that might help her to enjoy her body and feel at home in it. Swimming, or yoga or some kind of outdoor sport?

Check out Joan Collins’ journey through puberty.

I do wonder how many teens who think they are trans are actually autistic kids who are freaked out by the changes of puberty, and the way society treats them differently because of those changes. Binders have an appalling rate of side effects. A well fitting sports bra might help flatten/control more without causing damage. And is less psychologically loaded. I think you're very right to try to support her self confidence.

Hi MatJas, you are not alone,

there are some great resources around. I do have some tips from personal experience...

1. Listen to your daughter and ask her questions about her feelings, don't be afraid to gently probe "why does she think that?" "what does she mean by that?" but not in a hostile way at all - the aim here is for her to get into the habit of telling you about her feelings. I said to my dd that I really wanted to hear about her feelings because she was incredibly important to me and because of that her feelings were incredibly important to me. But I might not draw the same conclusions about what her feelings meant as she did but that wasn't ever because I didn't think the feelings were real or important.

I recommend that you tell her that sex sometimes matters, and you need to be able to talk about puberty and sex and contraception and stuff like that. That language being clear and accurate would be important in these conversations and as it is important that she know she could ask you anything and trust your answer you won't ever lie to her or pretend to believe something you don't.

2. I told my dd that I didn't think she had to worry about whether she had been born in the wrong body as I didn't believe that that was a real thing that actually happened to people. But acknowledged that some grown ups felt that way, like their body wasn't theirs and that must be a very horrible feeling to feel.

But teenagers often temporarily feel rather like that as their body changes so fast it can give you a kind of whiplash, these feelings almost always get better as you grow up and go through puberty as the rate of change gets slower and you have a little longer to get used to your 'new' body shape.

3. That she didn't need to worry about if her personality or feelings 'matched' her sex as there were all kinds of women with all sorts of personalities jobs hobbies etc. There was no wrong way to be a woman, all she needed to do to be a woman was grow up - everything else was optional.

4. That her clothes were her clothes and the point of them was to make her feel as comfortable and confident as possible so I fully supported her wearing whatever clothes would make her feel comfortable and confident. But wearing trousers didn't mean she wasn't a girl. Ditto hair cut, anything that was within school rules was my only restriction, but again with the caveat that any girl could have any haircut and it didn't make you any more or any less of a girl because that wasn't how being a girl worked.

I refer to the baggy boyish clothes as 'protective camouflage'. Guys get her sex wrong sometimes but she now finds this funny.

I believe the Bayswater support group is for parents in this situation.

Also look at genspect.

https://genspect.org/parents-and-relatives/

Just dropping this in there. My dd had a big bust at that age but at few years later it shrank significantly. I imagine breast binders must be agony on such a big bust.

Some good advice here OP. Can I also suggest that you watch carefully as my teen has some friends who had theirs delivered to other people’s houses.

This is such a stressful time for her, you and all the family. Mental health could be a significant issue as time goes on. My teen had a group of close friends where 5 of the 7 of them were trans. All with fragile mental health. (And people deny that social contagion is an issue!!!). The point being that by the end of it my teen dropped away to cope with their own mental health and found having no friends at school was better for their mental health. They just read books at breaks (breaks were actually quite short) and that gave them some quiet time and mental space too.

I’m autistic. Autistic people generally respond well to facts. In this case the fact is that a binder will not stop her breasts from growing, they’ll just continue to grow under the binder.

Boys will look at her bust so let her hide it as much as possible with baggy clothes but not binders. When she is less uncomfortable with them looking, probably around 16/17/18 then she may chose a different style of clothing. Look at Billie Eilish. Or the thousands of teenage girls doing the ‘trans’ ‘non-binary’ ‘asexual’ thing to try and avoid male attention until they are ready.

It’s a very familiar pattern in schools. My ‘dragons den’ idea would be to start up a company for girls with non-see-through school shirts so boys couldn’t see bra straps and girls wouldn’t wear jumpers in hot weather. Never come across a school shirt like that that you didn’t have to iron for ages.

Just making school shirts a darker colour would make them a lot less see-through.

I agree with Acheron that simple facts are a good starting point - a binder won't stop growth, but can damage the tissue and therefore the shape. Its also quite common for people using binders to develop problems with breathing, and even broken ribs.

A minimiser bra or light sports bra - plus baggy top - would help give camouflage without the pain or damage.

Check out the youtube channel of Elle Palmer, she has some videos like "if you hated puberty this is for you" and "i hated being a girl on the internet" where she talks about this aspect of growing up

I’d ask her how she thinks other girls feel? Then reassure her that her feelings are totally normal. I hated puberty. I hated my breasts growing. I was hugely angry at the changes. I hated the extra hair, I hated the fact that I had become different and changed and I didn’t want to. I felt angry, self-conscious and upset. I felt I wasn’t me.

But a few years later, those extreme feelings eased. Understanding that others feel the same, that’s it normal and natural, should help her. Also, try to help her feel good about herself, not just how she looks, but what’s she achieves, her hopes for the future. Be extremely careful about casual comments. I took the tiniest thing to heart and was very sensitive.

I’d also subtly try to make her feel proud to be female. Casually and carefully talk about the silly outdated ideas of the past, and how great it is that women are now scientists, sports stars, explorers, astronauts, etc, etc.

Let her wear baggy clothes if she must (my niece is very into baggy clothes as she develops) but tell her that binders will damage her breast tissue and her body, and that she shouldn’t feel ashamed of her body, that female bodies aren’t things to be crushed or deformed. She is unique in all the world - every part of her, and she will gradually realise this and be proud.

Watch out for friends telling her crap and be clear gender identity is a matter of belief not fact.

Grrrr message just deleted I’ll try and be briefer this time, thanks for all the helpful advice I’ll look
into each one, we are looking for a wedding outfit and she has gone from maxi dress (last year), gotthe save the date then, to a suit then to a goth style skirt now back to a suit, a man’s one tho, when we were skirt shopping she said to me that this doesn’t change her mind about gender she was just wearing it for me, this is what prompted the post. Any ideas re the outfit it’s a posh hotel do if a close family member so I’d like her to look smart and get s family photo, her autism plays a big part in clothes for her aswell. Any suggestions more than welcome

Let her choose based on the feel of the fabric, I would suggest. Say it's not so much about girls clothes or boys clothes it's about her finding her style. But for the wedding you want to find a nice smart version of her style. Let her wear anything that she likes and feels comfortable and confident in.

I have no idea of her fashion references but for some ideas for smarting points

lovely fancy embroidered waistcoat (with of without tie)
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B09NMZYGD6/ref=sspa_dk_detail_6?psc=1&pd_rd_i=B09NMZYGD6&pd_rd_w=28mvi&content-id=amzn1.sym.67430c1d-696a-45e1-be6b-972213775cc6&pf_rd_p=67430c1d-696a-45e1-be6b-972213775cc6&pf_rd_r=AWBMBJE26Y09KR6G7423&pd_rd_wg=jbqdi&pd_rd_r=5966e518-4c09-42ed-afe2-172e35f333d6&s=clothing&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9kZXRhaWwy

silk t - shirt
https://www.marksandspencer.com/pure-silk-relaxed-short-sleeve-top/p/clp60489447?extid=ps_ps-pla-pmax_ggl_ww_ch__-UK-_-_bau&gclid=Cj0KCQjwwISlBhD6ARIsAESAmp6ON-OXiUiACeFEC9fDU_vhp-jza4SUE94Xock8xw5tcRkJWANUdhwaApJGEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

and some nice smart wide legged trousers (with pockets)

https://www.riverisland.com/p/black-wide-leg-trousers-764007

good luck