I think I’m gay - thinking of leaving my fiancé.

[CuriousK87]

looking for advice from women who have been in similar circumstances or who have came through the other side? I have been contemplating leaving my fiancé for a few months now. We have a young child together and I think this is my only reason for staying with him. I like him but I know I’m not in love with him. I have suspected that I am gay for a while now but I have suppressed it. A few years ago, I worked with a woman who was a few years younger than me, she contacted me last year to ask if I had ever been interested in her. I rejected her and told her that I was straight and not interested. This really played on my mind for a long time, I just wanted to protect my family, but I felt I wasn’t been true to myself. I don't know what she's doing now, but I can't stop thinking about her. I could see myself being really happy with her.

It's very common for women to come out later in life.

Do you want to leave your fiance? Do you feel that you're bisexual and this awareness doesn't change your commitment to your relationship? Or are you realising you've never been attracted to men, and you don't want a sexual relationship with your fiance anymore? This is fundamental to what steps you'll need to take next.

I do not recommend you seek out that woman or any other until you decide how to proceed with your relationship now. It's not fair to anyone to do otherwise.

Name changed for this. My dad was gay (told me very late in life). I wish he'd left my mum alone - their utterly miserable marriage made our lives miserable, and maybe she would have had a life with someone else.

Please don't stay "for the sake of the kids".

Did you mean to post this in the Relationships forum or LGBT forum? rather than feminism and women’s rights?

Not criticising by the way, I’m just checking as you seem to be looking for relationship advice.

That's a difficult situation. You have responsibilities to your child, to yourself and to your fiancé. Long term, I would not recommend going into marriage without being fully committed to making it work. But you will need to work out (preferably with your fiancé) how you are going to care for your child's needs - both of you have, wittingly or unwittingly, taken on a lifelong responsibility.

Sorry to be so blunt, and I don't have answers. Is there anyone you trust that you can talk it through with? I can see that being completely open with your fiancé would be difficult; but if you come to the conclusion that you are gay rather than bisexual, then he is going to find out at some point.

You’ve already wasted years of his life living a lie. Just leave him and move on with your life.

I don’t really understand why your gayness is relevant here. If you don’t love your partner and you are thinking about having relationships with other people then you should be honest about that. You are not protecting your family by being dishonest about your feelings. You are not even married yet and your husband deserves to know the truth before he makes the biggest mistake of his life.

*fiancé not husband

Also isn’t there a relationship board for posts like this?

You need to be honest with your fiancé
sooner rather than later. I know MN tends to romanticise these things when it’s two women, but this isn’t a trashy romance novel. You need to show some respect to your fiancé and let him know how you feel.

This happens sometimes, with women our sexuality is so much more fluid than men's that it can be confusing to really pin down whether your feelings are normal or not.

If you say you think you're a lesbian, I'm going to assume that your relationship hasn't been physically or emotionally gratifying. Is that something you can take on your whole life? These things turn into regret and resentment, no matter your intentions, and many families are happier after splitting than they are if the parents are together for appearance sake.

Your personal values aside, imagine some years from now your kid comes to you with this same situation. What would your advice be?

I don't know what she's doing now, but I can't stop thinking about her. I could see myself being really happy with her.

I think you need to let the idea of this specific woman go as it sounds like you've built up this alternative fantasy world in your head about what things would be like with her, despite never having been involved with her.

Obviously being a new mother is hard and it's natural to wonder what life would have been like if you'd taken a different path, so it's worth looking at whether you're feeling fulfilled and supported in life and if not, how you might start to change that.

Definitely don't get married to someone you're not sure you love, regardless of whether you're gay or not. It might seem that it would be less hurtful to break off the engagement having decided that you're gay, so that you can say "it's not you, it's me" and actually mean it. But honestly, given that you suggest you only have lukewarm feelings for the guy, the kindest thing to do would be to break it off sooner rather than later, as opposed to waiting until you've done all the soul-searching you need to to know what you're going onto next.

Feelings come and go and change in intensity. A commitment sees you through those changes. You have a child together. This is important. Unless the relationship is truly making you miserable I'd stick it out. The feelings for the woman in question are based on pure fantasy right now.

That's my take on it, anyway.

Lesbian here who came out late, 40s, I knew a ton of Lesbians who were married, had kids in an attempt to be 'normal'.
If women here are not Lesbians please don't tell OP she is bi.
You need to be honest with yourself first about your orientation, whether that girl is there or not.
Then if you are Lesbian you need to start an independent life and yes then phone the girl.
Unlike men's attitudes , Lesbians are considered attractive all through our 40s,50s,60s. It won't be hard to find a partner.
Good luck,
the best thing I ever did was to come out.

If women here are not Lesbians please don't tell OP she is bi.

Could you elaborate on this comment? I've been pondering over it and as I'm one of the commenters who suggested the op should consider if she's bisexual or lesbian, I'd like to understand why you think only lesbians should be allowed to bring it up.

Ad it happens, I'm also a "late bloomer" and try to offer support when I see threads like this, because I know from experience it takes time to parse through what is imposed by culture and what is one's own sense of self.

Because lesbians understand how social pressure - "compulsory heterosexuality" - can distort your understanding of your own orientation and make you think you're attracted to men when you aren't.

Bisexual women have experienced homophobia and biphobia, but they haven't had that particular experience.

Yeah I echo that sentiment on the bi thing. I said I was bi for years still kinda do but internally I'm facing the fact I think actually I'm a lesbian with internalised homophobia effects.

Op my advice is live alone for a bit. Maybe contact the girl but live alone for a while and work out what you want from there. I found doing this a lot of the relationship I craved could be met with friendship someone to chat to/company/shared interests. Working on that and being happy alone (and not having to clear up after the man child which was a big part of it- are you lesbian or just fed up of being treated as the housekeeper?).

For me the online dating on lesbian apps formed it up what my orientation is. Maybe you will have more success but my experience was just men saying they are women pressuring to meet. So now I know I'm lesbian but can't meet anyone else who is 🤷‍♀️

OP, when I was in a similar situation, a friend gave me the advice not to do anything unless I was sure I wanted to leave, but if I was sure, to leave quickly and not drag out the pain.

A good way to become more sure - one way or the other - is to talk to a counsellor. Relate offer means-testing counselling, and usually can offer individual counselling where you have a relationship problem you need to discuss alone. That can help you work through what you want, and what is going to be best for your child. For me, a random conversation with a bad-tempered drag queen at Pride helped too ("you've only got one life, stop whining and live it").

Re. the one who got away, she's not the issue right now. When I was in your situation, I kept a long way away from the woman I liked while I was sorting myself out. By the time I was ready, she had moved on - but I've been happily married now for years to someone much more suitable. So don't fixate on her. As PP said, you'll have no shortage of relationship options.

Yes, makes sense. Thanks.

BiologicalKitty I initially read that comment as "lesbians can suggest you're bisexual but no-one else can" too, like my being a lesbian makes me some sexual orientation oracle!

Disappointed to have my special powers snatched away as quickly as they were bestowed, but drhf's comment makes a lot of sense.

my experience was just men saying they are women pressuring to meet. So now I know I'm lesbian but can't meet anyone else who is

Story of my life. I really do feel that dying alone is preferable to any more Tinder shenanigans at this point. And hardly any women's groups are actually what they purport to be any more.

This is exactly it. I buried my Lesbian same-sex attraction deeply due to compulsory heterosexuality; society treats Lesbians like crap.
I kept telling myself and my parents did too that 'the right man would come along' . And I magically would find him sexually attractive.

Never happened and I wasted many years in denial.