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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Do any of you feel safer as an older woman than when you were young?

61 replies

Appalonia · 16/06/2023 23:04

I'd always dreaded getting older when I was young, but now I am (58), it's so much better than I thought it would be. I really don't miss the random, vulgar comments from men, e.g. "Look at the t*ts on that" etc. I also feel a lot safer just walking around, and I like feeling confident and feeling that I'm more likely to be taken seriously ( despite the 'Karen' bullshit that is thrown at us)

Just wondered if this resonated with anyone else, or any experience s pp we like to share about this?

OP posts:
Backstreets · 17/06/2023 10:58

I’ve never felt unsafe. Combination of street smarts and utter obliviousness I suppose.

GriseldaClement · 17/06/2023 11:04

I just find this subject unbearably sad as I had already been sexually assaulted by the time I was 11 so I have always been hyper aware since then. I was so innocent but developed a take no crap attitude towards attention to the point that I actually confronted one of the men that followed me when I was in my twenties. I don’t get that sort of attention now but the echos of the vulnerability remain which makes me sad and furious all at the same time!

SockGoddess · 17/06/2023 11:06

I think I am safer now in my 50s from dodgy men, and I do like the feeling of being treated with respect by some men and ignored by others. But like a PP I took a lot of risks when young and felt safe-ish even though I probably wasn’t, and thought I could tell who to avoid. I didn’t have the comments and leering as bad as some other women. I’m tall and strong with short hair and wasn’t seen as a target for that very often, either because deemed unattractive or because they didn’t want to mess with me. It worked out well for me as I did have men interested but generally the less shallow men.

(however I still know all women are at risk of rape or other attacks - it happened to an 85-year-old woman in our very “safe” area Sad)

But I’m single now and what I really love is knowing I don’t have to think about it at all. I dress for me and I can have a day with a dress and make up or a day looking like a builder’s mate and I don’t care if anyone else likes it or not.

porridgeisbae · 17/06/2023 11:19

IDK if I feel safer, maybe because you get used to living in fear of men etc.

But I should feel safer (while not stopping being reasonably cautious of course) because objectively I get hardly any hassle now.

Theraffarian · 17/06/2023 11:21

Honestly I felt invincible when I was younger , did things I would never consider doing nowadays , so it’s a hard call . Nowadays I think I feel more aware of dangers so wouldn’t put myself in a situation I was likely to feel unsafe in .

doubleoseven · 17/06/2023 11:29

No, I can't say I feel any more safer than when I was younger. However, I do feel more confident and assertive. I'm more likely to tell them to fuck off if they say "smile, it might never happen".

Same. Last time a man said that to me, about 10 years ago now I told him my mum had just died. She's alive and well but hopefully made him think twice about saying it again.

I think you just get more savvy when you're older so less likely to be in a situation where you feel unsafe in the first place. But also far less visible so less likely to be harrassed.

Screamingabdabz · 17/06/2023 11:37

I’m less intimidated by men. They’re all just puffed up little boys to me so I am totally at ease with speaking very plainly to them and putting them in their place if I have to. I am still aware of their significant physical advantage though, so I still wouldn’t risk being vulnerable in places where I could be mugged or worse.

ApocalypseNowt · 17/06/2023 11:40

I do feel safer but if I ever had to run away from danger I'll be a lot slower

Screamingabdabz · 17/06/2023 11:42

doubleoseven · 17/06/2023 11:29

No, I can't say I feel any more safer than when I was younger. However, I do feel more confident and assertive. I'm more likely to tell them to fuck off if they say "smile, it might never happen".

Same. Last time a man said that to me, about 10 years ago now I told him my mum had just died. She's alive and well but hopefully made him think twice about saying it again.

I think you just get more savvy when you're older so less likely to be in a situation where you feel unsafe in the first place. But also far less visible so less likely to be harrassed.

See I don’t like the ‘mum my had just died’ response. It is still basically saying ‘I should smile for you but please let me off the hook’ - they still won’t feel guilty or reflect on their misogyny.

SockGoddess · 17/06/2023 13:28

See I don’t like the ‘mum my had just died’ response. It is still basically saying ‘I should smile for you but please let me off the hook’ - they still won’t feel guilty or reflect on their misogyny.

But on the plus side it might help it to sink in that someone might have a reason to look unhappy.

MsRosley · 17/06/2023 14:00

I've never really felt unsafe - I'm small but fierce - but god, the relief of now being invisible. I'm so glad to be out of that game. It feels like having the freedom of pre-pubescence back, where you never had to worry what you looked like every time you stepped out the door.

Chaoticserenity · 17/06/2023 14:17

As a younger woman in the eighties I was constantly preoccupied with how I looked, to the point where I wouldn't set foot out of the house unless I was dressed to kill with full make up, now I think nothing of going shopping in leggings and a sweat top or T-shirt, high heels have long since been replaced by trainers and flats and I only wear minimal make up for work and none at weekends, it's incredibly liberating !

RingLightLight · 17/06/2023 14:43

Screamingabdabz · 17/06/2023 11:42

See I don’t like the ‘mum my had just died’ response. It is still basically saying ‘I should smile for you but please let me off the hook’ - they still won’t feel guilty or reflect on their misogyny.

Show quote history

I see it as more embarrassing/shaming someone for hassling and interfering with other people and stuff that’s none of their business.

SideWonder · 17/06/2023 15:06

Absolutely @Appalonia

I was chatting with my gym friends today after a hard (but great!) bootcamp session, and she mentioned another gym member who tends to behave a bit creepily with the younger women in the group. I've worked out with this guy & not got those vibes - I think because I'm at least 20 years older than him, and probably 30 years older than the young women he tends to moon around after.

It's actually quite wonderful being invisible.

Bubblyb00b · 17/06/2023 15:08

I feel safe because at 50-ish I feel I'm virtually invisible.

sunshinesupermum · 17/06/2023 15:15

I'm in my 70s and rarely felt unsafe as a young woman even though I got plenty of attention. Now I'm ignored! I think the time I grew up in was safer in that there was less obvious pornography as there was no internet. Boys and men had top shelf magazines/playboy, we used to get wolf whistled at, unwelcome advances at work were commonplace, walking alone at night wasn't as frightening as it is now and hitch hiking was normal. I did have a few nasty escapades on dates where I faught men off and one of sexual assault. I feel sad for young women today.

SallyWD · 17/06/2023 15:26

To be honest I never really felt in danger so can't say I feel safer now. Definitely feel a bit invisible (I'm 48) and like the fact I'm not being so frequently evaluated by men - you know when they size you up, considering if they'd fancy having sex with you or not. I also feel more invisible to the bitchy women - the type who'd look you up and down in a sneering way because they didn't approve of your shoes or hair or whatever. So yes I feel free from all that which is good.

LaBefana · 17/06/2023 15:27

I do feel happily safe from male leering, catcalls, and worse, than when I was younger, but I am more aware of people cycling on the pavement, whizzing right past my side on e-scooters, etc.

RingLightLight · 17/06/2023 15:27

sunshinesupermum · 17/06/2023 15:15

I'm in my 70s and rarely felt unsafe as a young woman even though I got plenty of attention. Now I'm ignored! I think the time I grew up in was safer in that there was less obvious pornography as there was no internet. Boys and men had top shelf magazines/playboy, we used to get wolf whistled at, unwelcome advances at work were commonplace, walking alone at night wasn't as frightening as it is now and hitch hiking was normal. I did have a few nasty escapades on dates where I faught men off and one of sexual assault. I feel sad for young women today.

I’m in my 30s and sounds like things have improved to be honest!

In my teens and 20s particularly I got lots of attention off men but never

experienced unwanted advances at work
had to fight off men on dates
can’t remember being wolf whistled at in the street (think it’s kind of died out)

And always felt safe walking around at night by myself – rightly or wrongly!

EmmaEmerald · 17/06/2023 15:29

Redshoeblueshoe · 17/06/2023 08:25

Well Eva Longoria - who is 48 wasn't exactly safe last night, when Biden tried to grope her breasts - in front of camera's. I'm not as polite as her - I would have slapped him across the face

I was about to say, I don't feel any safer at 47.

maybe even less, because people would be more likely to think I was lying?

I bet there will be a polite statement about a "misunderstanding".

littleripper · 17/06/2023 15:30

No, I feel much more frightened of men. I have a weird thing going on where for some reason men often think I am younger from a distance and then when they get close they often get very angry with me because I am not what they think I am. I have been verbally abused 3x in the last 2 weeks for this reasons.

EmmaEmerald · 17/06/2023 15:31

littleripper · 17/06/2023 15:30

No, I feel much more frightened of men. I have a weird thing going on where for some reason men often think I am younger from a distance and then when they get close they often get very angry with me because I am not what they think I am. I have been verbally abused 3x in the last 2 weeks for this reasons.

I can understand that. Summer makes it worse. You can practically smell the hormones. Ugh.

Anotherblueday · 17/06/2023 15:38

No, my disability makes it much harder to protect myself or get away.

ResisterRex · 17/06/2023 15:44

Prior to the march of self-ID, yes. I think I did. But now I don't. And I'm more vigilant than I thought I would be especially when out with DCs. I never thought I'd have to check if there are single sex toilets and fitting rooms and so on.

Fairislefandango · 17/06/2023 15:50

To be honest I never really felt in danger so can't say I feel safer now. Definitely feel a bit invisible (I'm 48) and like the fact I'm not being so frequently evaluated by men - you know when they size you up, considering if they'd fancy having sex with you or not.

Same but I'm 51. I mostly liked male attention when I was in my 20s. Fortunately, the realisation of the awfulness of this kind of male behaviour coincided with reaching an age where I received less of it! I maybe feel a little bit safer now, but I think that's more to do with the fact that I lived in London in my 20s and have lived in villages in very safe areas since my mid 30s.