Email help

[Whatwouldscullydo]

Ok so 2 terms into secondary school and I've just had to spend the past hour trying to convince dd2 that there's nothing wrong with her and she's a child and she should be able to play with whoever she wants and not have to lable/define herself at 12 by who she might marry as an adult.

I've obviously only got her account to go by but for 11 amd 12 year olds the.kids she talks about seem ridiculously obsessed with whether or not her and her male friends are an item, and today after snapping and telling these kids who help asking, that she has no feelings for men, they have now decided to hassle her by asking her if she's lesbian.

I've obviously told her Its normal not to know or give a shit and all that matters is she's got friends she can have fun playing with.

I want to email the school in the hope that they can somehow convince these 11 and 12 years olds that there's more to life than boxing themselves in when they should still be enjoying being a child without these worries, and whereas some may be beginning to figure it out, its also normal to not have a remote interest and they should be allowed time and space to figure it out on their own without having to label that too.

This is beyond ridiculous. I was still climbing trees and catching bugs at 12. Not asking my classmates if they were gay because they arent in love with their friends 🙄

Can you frame it as bullying? The reason I suggest that is because the school will have a clear anti bullying policy.

I think that’s a good idea from the PP.

I really don’t think this is new for 12 year olds though. For most kids that is definitely into early adolescence and I can remember stuff like this from 40 years ago (with the addition that being gay was still seem as deviant by the kids, and many if their parents I assume).

I did think I could make that more the angle but I did also want to at least attempt to implant the thought in their heads that the kids and probably the adults given the fact there are only year 7s in the school so to have an lgbtq+ group ( dd has told me about this ) in a school where the oldest kid is 12....are all clearly over invested in sexuality.

I've managed to convince dd2 that this probably isn't down to the kids so much as the adults around them encouring kindness and inclusion by acting in advice of lobby groups who have no background in child development/psychology and are more interested in facilities adults than thw welfare of children.

I get many of these will have older siblings dd2 does. Dd1 is a lesbian too so its not like she's unaware of this stuff. But she just wants to play fgs..

Pp are right about approaching this from a bullying perspective.

Could you help your 12 year old to develop some snappy responses?

I'm gonna a try and get more out of her over the weekend, see what responses she's given so far beyond " I dont want a boyfriend or a girlfriend right now"

I agree with you about all of the nuance, but she shouldn't be miserable at school. and I don't think the response she gives is the problem.
She shouldn't 'defend' herself with explanations, if she says anything it should be 'Stop bullying people. Its gross, why are you so obsessed?'

She had zero problem in primary school with her friendship group all being boys.

Its quite a shock to her system that all of a sudden so many kids take issue with her friends being boys and it either means she's with one if them or a lesbian if she isn't 🙄

These kids are all so obsessed with labeling themselves and those around them.

Hmm. It's definitely bullying, but a form.of bullying the school may have fostered and that aspect needs to be emphasised.

Something like "my daughter is being bullied for not have developed an interest in romantic or sexual relationships; she is being made to feel there is something wrong with her for being within the developmentally normal range for her age-group"?

I will definitely borrow that thank you.

I cannot wait fir the day schools wake up and realise that in attempting to make things " inclusive" they have simply been conned into creating the very need they thought they were solving. Paying people to create a problem that previously didn't exist only to have to pay them continuously to solve the problem that was deliberately created. 12 years olds ffs.

I remember this rubbish from when I was that age, constantly being hassled about who I "fancied".
In the end I lied and just told them the name of the most popular boy in class to shut people up! I didn't start having any kind of feelings towards boys like that until I started my periods at 15, if she hasn't started hers yet maybe that will reassure her that she's perfectly normal, just not full of hormones yet!

She has. But shes just not fussed which is perfectly normal obviously. The fact that shes having to tell kids shes not a furry and knows all this "people with vaginas" stuff kinda proves that everyone is obviously far too immersed in all this lgbt stuff. Now I have no problem with her knowing people are gay. Her own sister is fgs. And shes known for years that people are free to marry the consenting adult they love now.

But this is beyond ridiculous and healthy imo. Furries ffs...

Good grief. I didn't know about furry fetishism until I was 17!

Furries?!! Good grief, your poor kid! Won't be long until my eldest starts secondary and I'm dreading it if this nonsense is going on. Are they being taught about this in school or is it coming from other children watching social media/internet?!

Other kids i think. I foolishly assumed the risk of exposure to this shit was slightly less with the fact that there are no older kids 🙄

Interestingly, our primary school took this kind of thing very seriously. Called all the kids in, told them in no uncertain terms that it is perfectly normal for girls to play with/be friends with boys and vice versa, and that any further teasing questions/comments would get a playtime time out. Definitely raise it with school

Thats what it was like in her primary school. No one cared. Her friends were her friends.

The more lgbt " education " kids get the worse the stereotyping and assumptions and investment in children's sexuality become.

This harms all kids including the lgbt ones. The sooner schools wake up to the fact they are simply facilitating adult fetishes the better.

Homophobic bullying. This can be because someone perceives you to be gay.
My daughter has the same problems she is 13 as she has male friends. She told me another male friend has a girlfriend but he really missed his old friend who is a girl so had text her. It got screened shot so the girlfriend dumped him. It's all very rigid and overly gossipy.

I wonder if you could say that your daughter is being taught to believe that her social acceptance is conditional on her being in a romantic relationship/performatively seeking a romantic relationship.

It seems to be what is happening, and it's not healthy for girls.