Good morning, DC has over the years had some issues with boundaries around girls, has searched for porn on his phone from an early age (its locked down but you can see the search history), he was changed class owing to an issue with touching a girl and inciting her to do the same and has now been found to have sent an explicit text to a girl in the year below. We fully appreciate that hormones are raging but he has already had a visit from the police for the touching incident and we are sincerely concerned that this persists. I want to have him sit down tomorrow and write an essay on boundaries and consent but I am struggling to find a starting point for him to base this on, almost like a Test Paper I guess? Does anyone have any ideas? We are desperate to get through to him that respect and consent are imperative. Times were different when I was growing up, I didnt know I was allowed control over my body, was taught that a boy behaving like this meant he liked you so you should be happy. I know better now and I want to stop this at source. He was not bought up like this, we have a happy healthy home, he says that his school friends say similar things (I suspect this is true but to each other, not to girls themselves) but they dont seem to be the ones having police turn up at their homes. Help very much appreciated.
Feminism: Sex & gender discussions
Litterpicking · 01/06/2023 12:34
Former Child and Adolescent Mental Heath Services (CAMHS) clinician here. I'd describe this as sexually inappropriate behaviour and I'm wondering if he might be neurodiverse and therefore struggles with understanding and managing his own feelings and/or empathising with others. He maybe impulsive and/or misunderstanding that what other boys say might not reflect what they actually do. I was involved in a multi-agency clinic for young people with these sort of difficulties and they either had a history of trauma and/or were neurodiverse (ADHD/ASD/LD etc). I'm afraid that I don't know anything about services in Queensland but I did find this. aifs.gov.au/resources/policy-and-practice-papers/problem-sexual-behaviours-and-sexually-abusive-behaviours. Good luck.
ScrollingLeaves · 01/06/2023 12:21
Do you think he may have been sexually abused when he was younger? Too young to remember, or never told you? Or abused in some way. Did someone show him porn?
Is an essay going to be enough to get to the bottom of this?
unwashedanddazed · 01/06/2023 11:22
Thank you for trying to help him understand the impact of his behaviour on others. I think the act of writing (particularly by hand, not on a screen) can help the mind to really absorb concepts. So your idea is a good starting place.
I think having him think about the things he's said to the girls being said to you or a sister by some strange bloke might make him see how disturbing it can be.
No need to be harsh and threaten the police at this stage. Take it gently and see where it leads.
FloatingthroughSpace · 01/06/2023 16:11
Can't his Dad talk to him? About porn and why it's problematic, about how men are visual creatures and porn is a business like any other? But real relationships are based on shared values, friendship, intimacy and then also attraction? That shows like Love Island perpetuate this idea that physical attraction is the most important aspect of a relationship, but this is not real? About how women are humans deserving or mutual respect and if he wants to find love, it's best to start with friendships with girls and see what grows? He's not a caveman grabbing the girl he fancies and dragging her off. Any woman worth a relationship has to actually like him; and that means his personality and not just the way he looks. In 30 years he'll be balding with a belly, most likely, so it's friendship, respect, and shared values that carry a relationship. Not how buff you are and certainly not trying to treat women like those poor women in porn.
AnneWhittle · 01/06/2023 19:33
I think some kind of writing exercise might be helpful but rather than 'an essay' about consent and boundaries can you devise a perspective-taking exercise?
eg you write a paragraph describing a boy behavng inappropriately to a girl (not the specific actions he has done)
He then has to write, in the first person, how it felt for the girl
"when Kevin put his hand up my skirt I felt...
I was worried that....
Now when I see him I feel...."
You could structure it like that if needed or just ask him to write from the girl's POV. If nothing else this may give you an insight into how he is thinking.
You could also show him the 'cup of tea' consent video.
I agree though that his Dad needs to talk to him. Otherwise he will think it's just girls/women making a fuss because actually, none of us like sex.
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