Essay for child to write

[milkshakebringsallthebuoystotheyard]

Good morning, DC has over the years had some issues with boundaries around girls, has searched for porn on his phone from an early age (its locked down but you can see the search history), he was changed class owing to an issue with touching a girl and inciting her to do the same and has now been found to have sent an explicit text to a girl in the year below. We fully appreciate that hormones are raging but he has already had a visit from the police for the touching incident and we are sincerely concerned that this persists. I want to have him sit down tomorrow and write an essay on boundaries and consent but I am struggling to find a starting point for him to base this on, almost like a Test Paper I guess? Does anyone have any ideas? We are desperate to get through to him that respect and consent are imperative. Times were different when I was growing up, I didnt know I was allowed control over my body, was taught that a boy behaving like this meant he liked you so you should be happy. I know better now and I want to stop this at source. He was not bought up like this, we have a happy healthy home, he says that his school friends say similar things (I suspect this is true but to each other, not to girls themselves) but they dont seem to be the ones having police turn up at their homes. Help very much appreciated.

[DorisElward]

I’d take him back to the police and have them put the fear of god in him. Maybe a trip to the nearest jail. An essay isn’t going to do anything to change his attitude.

[Fairislefandango]

I’d take him back to the police and have them put the fear of god in him.

^This. An essay is quite an odd idea tbh. It won't do anything except make him reproduce a bunch of information and opinions that he knows you want him to write, but which he doesn't necessarily believe or find important.

[MetalFences]

I'd go at this two pronged.

First, from the female perspective. Has he a sister or a granny he cares about? Or can you share things that have happened to you. I'd use TV too. I'd make him read out the text he sent to you or someone else he gives a shit about. Maybe print it out and hang it up somewhere for people to see.

Second from the he could ruin his own life perspective. Because he is self absorbed.
That girls dad could smash his face in for a start.
It could come out in school that his a pervert and lose his friends or get excluded.
He could get arrested. He could end up in prison instead of getting his A levels or whatever.
He wouldn't be able to get a DBS or go to America for example.
He'd have to tell his future wife he had a criminal record.

[BinturongsSmellOfPopcorn]

You might find something in the Queensland educational resources- they are doing a big push in schools on relationships education and consent. (I've not checked the resources available - was actually looking for something from another country that had huge success with educating boys about respect a few years ago, but I can't remember the country).

https://learningplace.eq.edu.au/cx/resources/file/a0ba1327-a69e-474d-a220-acfff7542960/1/students/students.html

[BinturongsSmellOfPopcorn]

Or this European project sounds useful menengage.org/resources/imagine-toolkit/

[milkshakebringsallthebuoystotheyard]

Brilliant, thank you

[CreateaUsername27]

There is a boy at my child's school who is alleged to have sexualy assaulted two of the girls in two separate cases. The school did not exclude him- these incidents took place outside of school and I don't know the full details of what took place just hearsay through my child.
Gradually over time the boy has become isolated as it has become widely known and even close friends of his have disowned him over time- even close friends who backed him up at first. Maybe tell him that he will be excluded by other children if he oversteps social norms.

Maybe teach him more about the porn industry and how corrupt it is and how the women there are coerced and mistreated often.

[unwashedanddazed]

Thank you for trying to help him understand the impact of his behaviour on others. I think the act of writing (particularly by hand, not on a screen) can help the mind to really absorb concepts. So your idea is a good starting place.

I think having him think about the things he's said to the girls being said to you or a sister by some strange bloke might make him see how disturbing it can be.

No need to be harsh and threaten the police at this stage. Take it gently and see where it leads.

[TinyTopknot]

How old is your son? I am a teacher and writing an essay seems like a spectacularly bad idea to me.

[ScrollingLeaves]

Do you think he may have been sexually abused when he was younger? Too young to remember, or never told you? Or abused in some way. Did someone show him porn?

Is an essay going to be enough to get to the bottom of this?

[Litterpicking]

Former Child and Adolescent Mental Heath Services (CAMHS) clinician here. I'd describe this as sexually inappropriate behaviour and I'm wondering if he might be neurodiverse and therefore struggles with understanding and managing his own feelings and/or empathising with others. He maybe impulsive and/or misunderstanding that what other boys say might not reflect what they actually do. I was involved in a multi-agency clinic for young people with these sort of difficulties and they either had a history of trauma and/or were neurodiverse (ADHD/ASD/LD etc). I'm afraid that I don't know anything about services in Queensland but I did find this. aifs.gov.au/resources/policy-and-practice-papers/problem-sexual-behaviours-and-sexually-abusive-behaviours. Good luck.

[BinturongsSmellOfPopcorn]

As far as I know the OP is not in Queensland.

[milkshakebringsallthebuoystotheyard]

@Litterpicking

Former Child and Adolescent Mental Heath Services (CAMHS) clinician here. I'd describe this as sexually inappropriate behaviour and I'm wondering if he might be neurodiverse and therefore struggles with understanding and managing his own feelings and/or empathising with others. He maybe impulsive and/or misunderstanding that what other boys say might not reflect what they actually do. I was involved in a multi-agency clinic for young people with these sort of difficulties and they either had a history of trauma and/or were neurodiverse (ADHD/ASD/LD etc). I'm afraid that I don't know anything about services in Queensland but I did find this. aifs.gov.au/resources/policy-and-practice-papers/problem-sexual-behaviours-and-sexually-abusive-behaviours. Good luck.

Im in the UK, I genuinely wouldnt suggest he is ND at all, my eldest has ADHD but he has been perfectly average his entire life.

[milkshakebringsallthebuoystotheyard]

@ScrollingLeaves

Do you think he may have been sexually abused when he was younger? Too young to remember, or never told you? Or abused in some way. Did someone show him porn?

Is an essay going to be enough to get to the bottom of this?

I of course cant categorically say that he has never been abused but it seems sincerely very unlikely, I cant think of anytime it would have been possible, nor seen any behaviour that suggests any trauma whatsoever

[milkshakebringsallthebuoystotheyard]

@TinyTopknot

How old is your son? I am a teacher and writing an essay seems like a spectacularly bad idea to me.

Could you kindly expand? This is all a learning curve for us, I want to do the right thing. I dont want to go in heavy handed, nor do I want to minimise it.

[milkshakebringsallthebuoystotheyard]

@unwashedanddazed

Thank you for trying to help him understand the impact of his behaviour on others. I think the act of writing (particularly by hand, not on a screen) can help the mind to really absorb concepts. So your idea is a good starting place.

I think having him think about the things he's said to the girls being said to you or a sister by some strange bloke might make him see how disturbing it can be.

No need to be harsh and threaten the police at this stage. Take it gently and see where it leads.

Thank you, bit of a mixed reaction to the post and its so hard to know what to do. Every ounce of feminism in my body wants this resolved at source, I dont want any girl being put in positions I was when I was young. So disappointed in him, but also so worried about creating a bigger issue by making him feel like some sort of deviant when it quite possibly is normal hormones that hes getting carried away with. But either way, respect, consent, boundaries. He needs them.

[AmaryllisNightAndDay]

Hi @milkshakebringsallthebuoystotheyard

You don't say how old your DC is, but if he's had these boundary issues over a period of time then you may be able to get specialist help. If you're in the UK then you could speak to your GP in confidence and ask for a referral for him. You don't have to bring DC along. Be aware that they may want to explore the possibility that's he's been on the receiving end of some inappropriate behaviour or even abuse himself; or that he has some additional needs especially around boundaries. 

This is more than just doing what his friends do, and as you say "normal hormones" don't usually bring the police round. It could be that (like some young people with autism) he has a social communication issue and he really can't understand the difference between talking to his friends and talking to girls, and if so then this will affect many other aspects of his life.

But whatever the cause, if the police have been involved already and yet he has behaved inappropriately again then it sounds as if he really does need some professional help and you would benefit from professional advice.

[Parisj]

The NSPCC has some resources and links you might find useful to browse. I would probably start with normalising sexual feelings and behaviours and describing developmental stages and 'normal' sexual behaviour eg consensual behaviour with peers. I might talk about different sex drives and how people manage impulses and high libidos. Think about where their behaviours lie on the continuum of normal, problematic, harmful. I'd be clear about those green amber red categories. I'd be clear they are not bad for having done it, but they do need to learn from it how to be a man and how to be respected by others. I might try to find some of those types of videos or ads where men challenge other men's behaviours. I'd find it really difficult but I'd talk as directly and listen as much as I can. And I would tell them I will be following up on how they are. I'd increase time doing activities together. I'd ask about influences. Maybe you can ask how he wants to tackle it, the essay or some time talking and listening. I would speak about the reasons I am proud of them and the reasons it's important to me that they continue to learn and grow because they will be an amazing man. Appeal to the teen egocentrism, which remember is developmentally normal. As he has previously had a visit from police you could ask the police or social services if they have preventative harmful sexual behaviour interventions available, I have known young people get this kind of education and counselling programme for similar to the kinds of things you describe. Good luck to you and him, this stuff is hard but really important. His brain is developing now so feeding it with the right information and love and compassion is crucial.

learning.nspcc.org.uk/child-abuse-and-neglect/harmful-sexual-behaviour/understanding
learning.nspcc.org.uk/child-abuse-and-neglect/harmful-sexual-behaviour/understanding#article-top

[FloatingthroughSpace]

Can't his Dad talk to him? About porn and why it's problematic, about how men are visual creatures and porn is a business like any other? But real relationships are based on shared values, friendship, intimacy and then also attraction? That shows like Love Island perpetuate this idea that physical attraction is the most important aspect of a relationship, but this is not real? About how women are humans deserving or mutual respect and if he wants to find love, it's best to start with friendships with girls and see what grows? He's not a caveman grabbing the girl he fancies and dragging her off. Any woman worth a relationship has to actually like him; and that means his personality and not just the way he looks. In 30 years he'll be balding with a belly, most likely, so it's friendship, respect, and shared values that carry a relationship. Not how buff you are and certainly not trying to treat women like those poor women in porn.

[milkshakebringsallthebuoystotheyard]

@FloatingthroughSpace

Can't his Dad talk to him? About porn and why it's problematic, about how men are visual creatures and porn is a business like any other? But real relationships are based on shared values, friendship, intimacy and then also attraction? That shows like Love Island perpetuate this idea that physical attraction is the most important aspect of a relationship, but this is not real? About how women are humans deserving or mutual respect and if he wants to find love, it's best to start with friendships with girls and see what grows? He's not a caveman grabbing the girl he fancies and dragging her off. Any woman worth a relationship has to actually like him; and that means his personality and not just the way he looks. In 30 years he'll be balding with a belly, most likely, so it's friendship, respect, and shared values that carry a relationship. Not how buff you are and certainly not trying to treat women like those poor women in porn.

That conversation has been had, nothing seems to sink in, hence trying to hammer it home somewhat, or at least trying to find other methods

[AnneWhittle]

I think some kind of writing exercise might be helpful but rather than 'an essay' about consent and boundaries can you devise a perspective-taking exercise?
eg you write a paragraph describing a boy behavng inappropriately to a girl (not the specific actions he has done)
He then has to write, in the first person, how it felt for the girl
"when Kevin put his hand up my skirt I felt...
I was worried that....
Now when I see him I feel...."
You could structure it like that if needed or just ask him to write from the girl's POV. If nothing else this may give you an insight into how he is thinking.
You could also show him the 'cup of tea' consent video.
I agree though that his Dad needs to talk to him. Otherwise he will think it's just girls/women making a fuss because actually, none of us like sex.

[titchy]

You don't say how old your DC is, but if he's had these boundary issues over a period of time then you may be able to get specialist help. If you're in the UK then you could speak to your GP in confidence and ask for a referral for him.

This. I'm a little concerned you're minimising this as within the normal breadth of hormone fuelled behaviour, or something that better fits the 1970s. It's way beyond that, and it's been going on for years. Your kid is a serial sexual abuser. He needs a fuck ton on professional help here. His future is a secure unit in a jail if he doesn't get some help.

[monsteramunch]

@AnneWhittle

I think some kind of writing exercise might be helpful but rather than 'an essay' about consent and boundaries can you devise a perspective-taking exercise?
eg you write a paragraph describing a boy behavng inappropriately to a girl (not the specific actions he has done)
He then has to write, in the first person, how it felt for the girl
"when Kevin put his hand up my skirt I felt...
I was worried that....
Now when I see him I feel...."
You could structure it like that if needed or just ask him to write from the girl's POV. If nothing else this may give you an insight into how he is thinking.
You could also show him the 'cup of tea' consent video.
I agree though that his Dad needs to talk to him. Otherwise he will think it's just girls/women making a fuss because actually, none of us like sex.

I think this sort of thing is way above the pay grade of a parent and needs to be handled by a professional in case it exacerbates the issues tbh.

Sometimes people who gain sexual pleasure from the discomfort of others (I'm not saying this is the case with your son OP, but it is obviously one of many possibilities) they enjoy reliving the assault or imagining the distress of the victim.

Something like the writing exercise you suggested could do more harm than good and be a way for them to relive it, encouraging reoffending.

I really, really think that you need to seek professional specialist help for this OP. It's crucial that you throw everything at trying to address this as soon as humanly possible, even if it means paying for private therapy etc. you need expert guidance on this.

[ScrollingLeaves]

titchy · Today 19:42
You don't say how old your DC is, but if he's had these boundary issues over a period of time then you may be able to get specialist help. If you're in the UK then you could speak to your GP in confidence and ask for a referral for him.

This. I'm a little concerned you're minimising this as within the normal breadth of hormone fuelled behaviour, or something that better fits the 1970s. It's way beyond that, and it's been going on for years. Your kid is a serial sexual abuser. He needs a fuck ton on professional help here. His future is a secure unit in a jail if he doesn't get some help.

I so agree. OP this really most likely isn’t an essay matter. Think of this post:

Litterpicking· Today 12:34

Former Child and Adolescent Mental Heath Services (CAMHS) clinician here. I'd describe this as sexually inappropriate behaviour and I'm wondering if he might be neurodiverse and therefore struggles with understanding and managing his own feelings and/or empathising with others. He maybe impulsive and/or misunderstanding that what other boys say might not reflect what they actually do. I was involved in a multi-agency clinic for young people with these sort of difficulties and they either had a history of trauma and/or were neurodiverse (ADHD/ASD/LD etc).