Examples in your life when men have tried to cross boundaries

[FeodoraVictoria]

I just had an experience today when I was trying to get ready for an Easter occasion and a man kept claiming he needed to be in the area where I was changing. So I stopped, got covered up and moved to a different location temporarily. As soon as he left I went back to where I was as that was the most suitable place to get ready. Straightaway he was back claiming he needed to come in. He had no reason to be in the space that was urgent but kept trying to get in every time I was going to be undressing. In the end I just locked the door and refused to let him in.

I have had so many experiences of men trying to get a chance of seeing me naked or changing. Twice two different men - who I was not in a relationship with - tried to get in to the bathroom when I was in the bath. Although they knew I would be in there and had the opportunity to go in before I did. Both times they encouraged me to have a bath so on reflection I think they were hoping they would get to barge in at some point, and these instances are years apart.

The idea that men don’t want to cross boundaries of privacy to see and access women and girls is just naive lunacy.

I'm sorry but exactly under what circumstances - on 2 separate incidents - was a man you weren't in a relationship with (snd I'm presuming weren't family members?) in a position to persuade you to get a bath and then try barge in on you?

Also, where were you getting ready for your Easter occasion that a random stranger had access to your changing room? Friend's house? Gym? Shop? Hotel? and what reason did he give for wanting to enter this space? Why did you only 'eventually' lock the door? Did you report him to owner/manager of the premises you were using?

My ex used to do the bathroom thing. He’d wait until I was in the bath then barge in because he was desperate for a “piss”. There was two of us in the house that had four fucking toilets but no he refused to use one of the other ones. It quickly escalated to him having a shit which stunk and I’d have to get out.

So I locked the door despite me having epilepsy. He raged at me when he tried to get in, not out of concern for me but because he wanted a shit while I was in the bath.

I stopped having baths.

The most recent would be a man I knew in (sort of) a professional capacity, who started shouting at me quite inappropriately. He disapproved of the way I had performed a task, but I am very sure that, had I been a man, he wouldn’t have felt it approaching to shout at me as if I was a misbehaving child. So not sexual or spatial boundaries, but inappropriate behaviour nonetheless.

@Dontbelieveaword shared flats / student housing was my guess for guys you aren't in a relationship with being in your house / flat.

Other options include flatmates boyfriends, brothers friends, extended family such as sisters husband or boyfriend.

Not all people enjoy equal access to space they control.

@howdoesatoastermaketoast I never implied everyone enjoys 'equal access to space they control', did I? I was asking under what circumstances was OP so easily encouraged to take a bath by men she had no relationship with - on two separate occasions. Were they strongly suggesting she had a body odour issue maybe?

Its fairly simple

You have a male flatmate

You say in front of the male flatmate (and others) "I fancy a bath does anyone mind if I take up the bathroom for a bit"

Male flatmate all encouragingly "No go for it I don't need the bathroom, take your time"

5 minutes later tries to get into the bathroom/demands to come in as he needs the toilet and "he won't look"

If its anything like a male flatmate I had previously

1. Most recently there's a man at a place I volunteer for very, very vulnerable service users who wants to kiss the women. All the women. He's always drunk. His behaviour is explained away as "he's drunk, just how he is". Sometimes he just buggers off when you say no. Other times he gets angry and calls you every name under the sun. I enjoy working there and I am nervous about his mood some days, but I am old enough to not care what he calls me now. 10 years ago I'd have had to stop volunteering.

1. Honestly I don't want to give a list. This idea (women being uncomfortable) is wank-fodder for a great many penis-havers. But it's been SO common from age 11 onwards that it's hard to pick out examples because it's been so normalised. It's only now that I'm able to start untangling it that I realise the true extent of it. And I do not ever want a man in a single-sex space with me, no matter what he's wearing or what he calls himself. Ever. If some women have a problem with that, I have no issue with them leaving the single sex space to join their male friends to make them feel comfortable all together.

I came to say the same. Very obvious, and has probably happened to many flat-sharers. What do you find surprising about it, Dontbelieveaword? Have you never shared accommodation?

Oh many many men. Mostly in my younger days (late teens), things like staying over at a house party and some random bloke trying to “spoon” and getting handsy. Despite saying no, and there probably being 5 other people crashed out in the room.
Being sold the “we’re just friends, come and hang out” line and finding myself in a sexual scenario I didn’t want to be in.

Similar to a PP if these things happened to me today I’d scream bloody murder, but being young, naive and socialised to just “be nice, be compliant” it never really occurred to me to just get the fuck up and get out. It also never occurred To me how creepy and gross a lot of men are (even the ones you really don’t expect to be!).

I thank my lucky stars every day that I’ve never been in a position where something very serious has happened to me. It also scares the shit out of me how close I probably came through my teens and 20s.

Also, where were you getting ready for your Easter occasion that a random stranger had access to your changing room? Friend's house? Gym? Shop? Hotel? and what reason did he give for wanting to enter this space? Why did you only 'eventually' lock the door? Did you report him to owner/manager of the premises you were using?

Could be a nurse or doctor, policewoman on shift work or a vicar, or member of a church choir … anyone who wears a “uniform?”

@Ofcourseshecan where did I use the word 'surprised'? Why are you twisting a simple question into something it's not?

Wow, are you still with this twat?

@Groutyonehereagain I think the clue is in the word 'ex'

No @Groutyonehereagain been divorced a long time now thankfully, he really was a twat.

I was being polite. Your comment contained 10 questions about two simple scenarios.

You asked I'm sorry but exactly under what circumstances - on 2 separate incidents - was a man you weren't in a relationship with (snd I'm presuming weren't family members?) in a position to persuade you to get a bath and then try barge in on you?

That sounded as if you found OP’s statement hard to believe. Why otherwise did you start with the passive aggressive “I’m sorry”?

Examples in your life when men have tried to cross boundaries

OP, if we extend this question to include touch by passing strangers, the list of examples becomes endless. Men trying to feel women up in crowds, on the tube, pushing past unnecessarily in shops and venues etc etc etc. I couldn’t even start to count how often I have felt unwanted hands or groins.

The idea that men don’t want to cross boundaries of privacy to see and access women and girls is just naive lunacy. Absolutely true.

The incident today was at a family friend’s. A lot of us gathered to have breakfast and then go to church (I am in the USA). We met early for breakfast and I took my outfit for church with me to change because we had kids and pets all around us and I was helping to make breakfast. When I got my stuff out of the car and went up to change, everyone knew which room I was in (the host’s master bedroom with bathroom). I didn’t think I needed to “batten the hatches” as everyone was downstairs socializing. Twice the brother of the host claimed he needed to get into the room and couldn’t wait and when I came down he suddenly didn’t need access to the room anymore 🙄

The bath thing is weird, but I realized after I thought of one it had happened twice.
Once when I was about 19 and traveling around Ireland with friends. We visited the home of a couple of lads in their 20s and I wanted to freshen up after getting soaking wet hiking and was encouraged to get a bath. Lo and behold the “friend” whose student mates we were visiting (he was about 22) stuck his head in the bathroom and tried to sit and talk to me but I quickly told him to FO. I think he was trying to imply we were in a sexual relationship to his friends there, which we were definitely not.

The second time was a really good friend at Uni who was quite a lot older than me (mature student) and I think we’d crashed out at his place after a night out. Again I was encouraged to get a bath and again the guy tried to get in the bathroom (locked).

A lot of girls had stories like this when sharing uni accommodation. There was often 8-10 people in a house, plus all their mates visiting. Most of the houses were old, crap and not maintained well, with many doors unable to be locked or relatively easy to force open if you were so inclined.

@Ofcourseshecan and so you've made a number of assumptions about what I was thinking, decided you must be correct and that I was disbelieving and surprised and are now trying to tear me down and make me look like an arsehole cos i politely starting asking the questions with a polite 'I'm sorry' because I wanted some context and was apologising for all the questions to follow.
And obviously your own assumptions about it bring a flatshare on both occasions were wrong, but am I dragging a fellow female down for making assumptions all over the place, being wrong, being condescending, patronising and just a little bit nasty? Nope I just waited for OP to reply to my questions, which she kindly has, in her own time, in a calm, lovely, informative and helpful manner. Now my questions have been answered. Simple. Me and the OP could have done without the passive aggressive attempt at bullying mid-conversation after all. But thanks for your assistance. It was enlightening. Not on the subject matter at hand, but on your own character and personality. It'll help me to avoid you in future.

So disingenuous @Dontbelieveaword. Your tone was very clear - you wanted OP to justify herself on the off chance she was lying/exaggerating or to blame. Pointlessly confrontational given OP was sharing experiences, not giving testimony under oath.

Plenty of experiences too, here. Lots of strangers getting too close, touching, saying things etc. but it's the 'friends' that really upset me. XH's best friend came round to check on me when he heard we had split and turned a comforting hug into a grope and a come-on. A married 'friend' of 15 years get into my bed while staying over and try to start something...then I was the hysterical mad woman trying to ruin his relationship when I was too loud rejecting him. That's before the vile shit intimate partners have pressured me into. I don't trust any men now - I have a good laugh and get on fine with co-workers and friends' partners, but I wouldn't be alone with them.