Issue with dad of a child I teach

[annoyedteacher]

Changed username for this.

I am a deputy headteacher in a small primary school. I do some teaching in Y6 and the Y6 class teacher is also female.

We have an extremely difficult Y6 boy at the moment who is refusing to engage with anything and causing constant low level disruption & falling out with others. HT is supportive of us when dealing with this child.

We had a difficult situation with child's dad this week who had read a mid-term report which stated his child is not reaching age-related expectations. Dad was very angry and basically stated that he 'doesn't believe these women teachers.' He also said the report we had written was toilet paper.

Male HT was supportive however, has started that he will deal with any poor behaviours from this child in the future. Ht is generally very supportive of his staff and when I protested, has explained to me that he is trying to protect us. However, I feel that Ht has effectively removed all my power when dealing with this child and has unintentionally fed into the misogyny displayed by this child and his dad, leaving me (and the Y6 teacher) feeling very undermined. I don't want to have to call another male to deal with a behavioural incident purely because I am a woman. AIBU to feel extremely miffed by this situation?

[annoyedteacher]

Meant to put this on the general feminism board!

[Nimbostratus100]

result, I think!

just let him deal with it.

frees you up, and the father will soon realise that the situation of his son is nothing to do with being with female teachers

[LolaSmiles]

I think the head is thinking about his duty of care to two female members of staff who have the right to come to work without dealing with nasty misogyny from a parent.
Taking that situation away from you and removes any wriggle room for the father trying to blame female staff.

[RoseslnTheHospital]

This issue is being caused by your sex and the gendered stereotypes associated.. I'd say this was the right section!

I agree with you that the well meaning HT has inadvertently undermined you with this idea that he will deal with this child. I would be unimpressed and be clear about my reasons for objecting to this course of action. I suppose the HT is probably hoping that when he, as the man in charge, makes the same decisions as you did, that this sexist dad will accept it. But the sexist dad is never going to apologise and back pedal, and accept that he was sexist.

[PixiePirate]

I agree with you and based on what you’ve said here, would absolutely not be happy.

[swashbucklecheer]

I would view it more as protection from the HT. Unfortunately I've seen it happen too many times. I don't get paid enough for that abuse. HT shouldn't have to take it either but these small minded misogynistic males are not going to listen to anyone else. I always say "there's no arguing with stupid" in these cases.

[ReadersD1gest]

I agree, op. He should have come at it from a "I won't stand by while you to treat Ms AnnoyedTeacher with such disrespect, from now on I'll have to insist you deal with me instead" kind of angle.
Instead he's given dickhead all the power and taken yours away.

[PixiePirate]

Surely the correct course of action is whatever is written in the behaviour policy?

And if necessary, the HT should be reminding the father that abuse of staff, sexist or otherwise, will not be tolerated.

[mach2]

He might have done better to tell the father that he has every confidence in you and Y6 and that if he hurls any more sexist crap at you he will be barred from the premises.

My friend's ex-wife was barred from school premises for abusive language towards teachers so I don't see why this man can't be threatened with the same.

[DemiColon]

I think this is a situation where all the solutions are sub-optimal. The best thing is probably to talk to the HT and the other teacher to work out the best course of action, keeping in mind that the other teacher might not see it the same way, and the child's best interest are also a factor.

[Newyeardietstartstomorrow]

I agree with the pp who said you can't argue with stupid. I would feel extremely hurt / undermined / patronised, but I also feel that the HT has made the best decision based on the behaviour management of the child being the priority. As teachers you can help the child but not bad parents, and if the shit dad won't engage with female teachers then then the Head has made the best call for everyone by dealing with it himself. This won't be the last time it happens, sadly.

[Maddy70]

Head teacher here. I would do that to ensure that my staff members were being supported

The parent is being a dick. You need to be protected from that and allegations towards you.

He isn't undermining you. They are supporting you

[CruCru]

Part of the HT’s role is to protect his teachers. He will take on communications with the awful parent and (presumably) whenever the boy misbehaves, he will be sent to the HT.

I would see your point about allowing the parent’s misogyny to go unchallenged if you had years left with this child. But it’s the summer term and you only have a few weeks left. You are not going to solve this problem in that time so let the HT do his job and focus on the other children.

[MargotBamborough]

It's a difficult one.

I'd say the HT should let you be the first line of command, so when you deal with the boy and his father you say, "X has happened and so we are taking Y action as a consequence" and then if there are any issues the HT says, "As previously discussed, X has happened and Ms Annoyedteacher has decided to take Y action as a consequence. I agree with and support her decision."

The trouble is, the dad's misogyny is ingrained and he won't change.

The HT could say both to the child and his father, "It seems you have a problem accepting the authority of Ms Annoyedteacher. As of today, X has happened and Ms Annoyedteacher has decided that the consequence will be Y. If you fail to respect Ms Annoyedteacher's authority in this matter and I have to get involved, the consequence will be Z, which will be worse."

[dimorphism]

@CruCru

Part of the HT’s role is to protect his teachers. He will take on communications with the awful parent and (presumably) whenever the boy misbehaves, he will be sent to the HT.

I would see your point about allowing the parent’s misogyny to go unchallenged if you had years left with this child. But it’s the summer term and you only have a few weeks left. You are not going to solve this problem in that time so let the HT do his job and focus on the other children.

This and also if the boy is sent to the HT often, it gives respite to the other children from his behaviour, so they can actually learn. It seems to me this solution may be thinking about the whole class as well.

It depends how the HT 'dealing with it' manifests in practice though as to whether it's supportive or undermining. You're still the one in the classroom with the boy and will need to deal with him up to the point he misbehaves.

I'd give it a few days and then raise any concerns with HT about how his plan is working in practice. I would have hoped the HT would have supported his female teachers in front of the sexist parent though - did he?

[CurtainsForBea]

@LolaSmiles

I think the head is thinking about his duty of care to two female members of staff who have the right to come to work without dealing with nasty misogyny from a parent.
Taking that situation away from you and removes any wriggle room for the father trying to blame female staff.

That is how I interpret it as well.

[PauliString]

I must admit I read that and thought 'Good.'

My mother in her final year of teaching had her arm broken by a year 6 boy in a rage, so I may be seeing this through different eyes.

[ArabeIIaScott]

I can understand why you're pissed off, OP.

What would you have preferred to have happened?