Trans widow

[womanundone]

Hello. I would really like to start and be involved in a support group, network for women who's husbands have come out as trans after years of marriage. I am struggling badly, absolutely devastated and have no support so I wondered if anyone else in this position would like to join me? Just to talk or shoulder to lean on...

You may find this thread useful. You are not alone.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/4236287-trans-widows-escape-committee-5-and-so-it-continues

Thank you FOJN...I feel so very alone

Here's another link you might find useful. Sorry for only having links to offer but I'm not a trans widow. I'm sure Tinsel will turn up soon.

www.transwidowsvoices.org/

FOJN, thank you

Hello womanundone

I feel your pain, upset and hurt as I am also a 'trans widow'. My spouse came out to me in August of 2022 and it has been quite the rollercoaster ever since.

You asked for support, so I thought I would list the different places and resources that I have found helpful these past few months.

BOOKS:

• The Trans Partner Handbook: A Guide for when your partner transitions by Jo Green
• The Reflective Workbook for Partners of Transgender People by DM Maynard. A tome of a workbook but very helpful to work out what you feel in a reasonably structured way.
• She's my Dad by Sarah Savage (useful for explaining transition to young children. There is an opposite version for FtM called 'He's my Mum')
• The Gender Dysphoria Bible (genderdysphoria.fyi/en/ online reference guide which is helpful to read and gain more understanding.)
• Love Lives Here: A Story of Thriving in a Transgender Family by Amanda Jette Knox (I found this book particularly hard reading in places, but it was helpful to read that I was not alone in how I was feeling)

SUPPORT GROUPS/ WEBSITES

• SOFFA Marmalade (www.spanglefish.com/soffamarmalade/) are a support group for partners (monthly meetings in person and online). They have 2 Facebook group- public and private- and a website.
• Depend (www.depend.org.uk/) - offer email support groups which is helpful for unloading and for advice.
• SPA (Straight Partners Anonymous) (straightpartnersanonymous.com/about/) - email and face to face meet ups
• Trans-pirational. Facebook group (private and public groups) for transgender people and their partners/ support people. Also have monthly meet ups.
• Beyond Reflections (beyond-reflections.org.uk/) Offer counselling and support for transgender people and their partners. Long waiting lists to be seen- have been waiting since October.
• IAPT (Improving Access to Psychological Therapies) run by the NHS saved my life. I had initial appointments within a week of first making contact.
• Dr Z PHD (drzphd.com/partners-of-trans-videos) on YouTube has an excellent series of 7 videos aimed specifically at the partners of transgender people.
• Reddit has a few subreddits aimed at partners of trans people- r/mypartneristrans being the main one.

Support is out there, but it can be tricky to access. This is a lonely and hard road walk to keep this MASSIVE secret and keep playing pretend happy families. Outside of professional help, I have told 3 people: a close friend and two people at work. The close friend because I wanted/ needed to. The people at work because it was to keep me safe (read between the lines).

For me, the physical cost (adverse reaction to antidepressants, losing almost 20kg in weight etc) and emotional cost (loss of trust, keeping this 'secret', feeling this loss of choice of who I love etc) has been huge. I am doing better now, not what I used to be like (I will never get that back I don't think), but the road ahead is not so horrid as it was before.

I wish you all the best.

Raspberry

@BlueRaspberry80 I'm so sorry for what you are going through...it is a horrendous situation. Thank you so much for taking the time to post all those links for support groups and books. I really do appreciate it. I hope you are doing much better now. thanks for reaching out to me.

Reddit has a few subreddits aimed at partners of trans people- r/mypartneristrans being the main one.

I’ve seen that subreddit. From what I saw it tends to encourage women to centre the needs of their male “trans” partner, not themselves, to the point where it seems like borderline gaslighting. I don’t know if this is true of all the resources you’ve listed, but judging by the names of them I fear it might be true of some!

Just so you are aware, a different approach is possible. The trans widows support thread on this forum actually centres women; it’s a very different way of thinking. I hope things improve for you.

Thank you @DarkDayforMN for your gentle and caring reply.

I had not heard of the trans widow movement/ organisation/ group before. It is making for interesting reading.

Every relationship is different and at the moment I feel like I need to stay. This person, my spouse, is my favourite person in the world, parent to my children and the ‘salt to my pepper’. I feel like I HAVE to see what happens by staying because I know if I walk away, that’s it. I loose everything. I also still love them fiercely but can’t deny that I am hurting. Only time will tell.

OP and Raspberry, you might find this site helpful, either now or in the future - at least you know you aren’t alone

https://www.transwidowsvoices.org/

wishing you both happier times ahead 💐

podcast Gender: A wider lens, Ep 83, Shannon Thrace interview. I think she has also written a book.

Sorry to hear this has happened to you undone. The majority of support groups, books and websites are aimed at people who decide to stay and accept their partner's transition. If you decide you don't want to stay, or stay but are unhappy or unwilling to accept the new regime, the transwidows thread on here may be helpful. It has run for a long time and listens to and supports women who find mainstream support rather narrow and ideological. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

@DarkDayforMN, @socialworker222 , @Crouton19 , @HagoftheNorth I found, before I discovered from a lady in the same position as me, who kindly gave me the details of a group that actually values and cares about the women that have had their life's stolen by a deceitful man whom they married and knew nothing of this prior the bombshell of being told years later that they were trans and have always known it, that the majority of advice and help is geared toward the trans person which to me is totally wrong. Both people, in my experience, need support. The mainstream seem to promote anyone who doesn't stand by a trans person as transphobic which is not true. Some women are angry, hurting, confused and find that the life they thought they had was a lie, not to mention the financial chaos this creates...there are children involved who are damaged by that person too, where is the support for them? all they have sometimes is their mother because the father they knew has left and consumed with becoming a woman. some can stay, some can not but the woman's feelings of grief and pain are just as important. If you thought you married a man but that person wants to transition to a woman, then you have every right to leave that relationship just as you would in any other deceitful situation. the group SPA are wonderfully supportive and I would recommend them. Thank you for your replies and I hope that if you are in the same boat as me, that you find your peace and happiness again very soon. xx

womanundone there is still hope. I knew a young man who was absolutely convinced he was trans, who pushed to get on hormones and demanded surgery. After a couple of years the novelty wore off and he changed his mind. It had been disruptive for everyone and painful for his parents, but in the end the 'euphoria' wasn't worth the effort.