pronoun advice

[ginslinger]

I am part of a mentoring programme for university undergraduates. I am doing this in a voluntary capacity and the person who is running the programme is someone I am loosely friendly with, we have lots of mutuals. This year I have lost 2 friends because of my gender critical stance and I am tired and disappointed with much of it.
I have had some guidance about the mentoring programme and introducing my self to my mentee; part of this guidance is that we should share pronouns. I have written to my mentee and told her my name and some details about myself but have ignored the issue of pronouns. If this pronoun thing gets pushed is there a way that I can say that I don't want to do this without having a huge transphobic label stuck to me and lose even more of my network? I have some memory that making people declare their pronouns puts them in a shaky position if they don't want to do this and I was wondering if I could fall back on this - I know it's a bit of a weasely way out but I'm honestly fed up to the back teeth. I don't know how those of you who work in education cope with this

If you identify as female, why don't you want to make that clear?

Your sex isn't something you identify as. It's something you are. And it already is clear. It's funny how through the whole of human history up until a few years back, nobody had any need to 'make that clear'. I'm 51. I've never met anyone whose sex I didn't immediately know, and am not aware of anyone having not immediately known mine. And in professional, non-face-to-face situations, it has been proved beneficial for women not to make their sex clear.

I haven't been asked to declare pronouns yet but the answer I've prepared is : I don't have any preferred pronouns, feel free to use any you want.
If pushed I'll say I don't know what my gender is, I find it all a bit hard to fathom, and I've done various quizzes and they come up with different answers so I'm not sure what to suggest.
If really pushed I'll probably admit I'm not convinced by gender ideology as I definitely don't identify as a woman, bit I'm clearly female, so I think it's a belief system which isn't really for me.

I have barely come across gender ideology in real life though, and I am a mid 40s woman in a progressive work place and I talk lots to all sorts of people. If not for this message board I could almost believe it was something I dreamt once. All very odd

I have however shared in a few conversations, including in conversations with pronoun sharers, that I am concerned about announcing to all that I'm female in my email signature and inviting people to discriminate against me
I can see no benefit, only downside, so I'm not inclined to add them. No-one seemed upset or inclined to argue me into thinking differently. They just nodded and grunted and we moved on

My pronouns are I and My.
You can refer to me as you think appropriate and accurate

I like this - thanks

@BacktoSlack , I love those responses and may use them myself!

I have barely come across gender ideology in real life though, and I am a mid 40s woman in a progressive work place and I talk lots to all sorts of people. If not for this message board I could almost believe it was something I dreamt once. All very odd

I'm the same but in my experience it's prevalent in children's social work and mental health and utterly dominant in politics and universities. Even up here in the north where you don't come across it in any other situation.

It's almost as if some organisations have specifically targeted training in those sectors.

I work in the same sector and this always seems to be on the horizon somehow. I would just say, "I don't feel comfortable doing that." What is it they say? Never apologise, never explain.

Can you respond "oh, do you use gender-identity-based pronouns or sex-based ones? "

If they explicitly want GI-based pronouns then you could be honest and say you're not sure you have one, so feel free to use whatever you like etc.

‘I don’t try to dictate how other people talk about me because that’s weird.’

I really like this phrase from Velvetbee.

I am finding it strange these days that many young academic colleagues are using 'they' in emails, etc to refer to people they've known for ages (including me) with very obvious and consistent sex markers but who haven't shouted "their pronouns". Brainwashed, imo.

I work in a university and just ignore it. I find that I just say nothing, give no pronouns and don’t even refer to it, don’t mention it Nd just carry on like it’s not DP life say ten years ago, that no-one brings it up.

I have a few students and colleagues- mainly younger - that do it, but I find the majority of students and academics don’t and they don’t really mention it. Oddly enough the staff/admin staff are much more policing about pronouns than either students or staff — I suspect they’ve been “trained”.

So just don’t mention it; and I bet no-one will mention it back. I studiously avoid the subject and change the topic of anyone gets going on gender ideology (or suddenly remember a meeting I really must be at…)

I've made this suggestion before, but if you are really in a position where you don't want to (or can't afford to) rock the boat, just put "Ms." in the column asking for pronouns; this should shut them up.