Difficulties in relationships re TRA versus GC

[Sparklybutold]

Hi there,

I am GC. This does not mean I'm anti the right for someone to live there life, express themselves as they wish. I do have a problem however if there is an expectation/demand for me, as a woman, to collude and support a decision which impacts my experiences as a woman or the services that I require as a woman.

I talk about this with my DH, and he just gets really defensive about it. I know in the past I have been extremely angry towards men (ironically owing to sex based violence towards me) and I know when I talk about this subject with him it triggers a defense response in him. I just feel he doesn't get ‘it’. The frankly bonkers things that are going on, from women getting raped because of men accessing Womens spaces via self-ID, Women getting chucked from Scottish parliament for wearing suffragette colours, a woman in Norway being charged with hate speech owing to GC views, the list goes on.

I am in a profession where I myself have been discriminated against for expressing GC views. He has witnessed this. He has supported me through this. He just doesn't seem to get ‘it’.

Anyone else have similar issues with significant others? If so - any advice?

Does he not "get it" though, or does he just not really care?

My DH gets it. Maybe yours is just not that bothered?

Can you take it away from your immediate situation and talk about something more hypothetical?

For example, male-bodied people competing against elite women in sport? Ask him to see both sides?

Mine doesn’t fully get it, he’s better than he was (he called me a bigot when I told my son years ago that Rachel McKinnon or whatever he calls himself now was a cheat which I wasn’t best pleased about).

he can see where I’m coming from now but equally has fallen slightly into the “be kind” camp. At risk of sounding arsey he can’t hold his own with me intellectually in an argument so we don’t really get into much day to day discussion on it. He knows my stance full well though.

It is good that he supports you because, sadly, not all male partners of GC women do. Misogyny is so ingrained in our society, it takes a resilient personality to accept that sad truth. And if you can’t accept the reality of misogyny, it’s very tempting to downplay what’s going on.

The sport thing he’s a bit wishy washy on “oh it’s not that straightforward…” with some waffle about hormones usually but he knows my stance is no males ever under any circumstances in female sport.

He does care. He has mentioned before it scares him how angry I can get about it, and then I think he interprets it as anger towards him. It feels like my anger at some men who are spearheading the TRA debate gets intermingled with anger towards men? So by the time I've talked about it with him, his mond has interpreted it as this and already his autonomic nervous system defense response has kicked in to defense mode.

Im single but I would say focus on sports. There have been loads of examples recently. There will be no sports for young girls in the future. We won't have any females to send to the Olympics as at the grassroots level it is just a joke.

This is an interesting reflective point. He did state that he can't connect with the TRA ideology as it doesn't directly impact him but he does get involved with sex inequality at work in terms of ensuring female representation in his field - he is actively part of the team trying to improve this.

Do you have any links for this?

It can be difficult for many people to really grasp the issues because it genuinely sounds bonkers. Gender ideology affects so many areas of life, that it can take a while for the seriousness of it all to really sink in. Some men 'get it' more easily than others.

When I first discovered all this stuff a few years ago, it catapulted me into an emotional rollercoaster - I was shocked, angry, distraught, worried, upset and frequently burst into tears every time I tried to talk about it. I just couldn't believe what was happening. I kept talking to my partner about everything and although he was mildly supportive, he was getting a bit frustrated as it all sounded too crazy to be true and he thought I had fallen for some mad conspiracy theory.
He was getting uncomfortable every time I talked about it and he couldn't quite understand why I was getting so worked up about it all. He is generally the type of person who tries to 'be kind' and looks at issues from all angles so he was struggling with some of the stuff I was saying.

I had to learn to pull back and make deliberate decisions about when we engaged on the topic.
Thankfully, he started looking up stuff by himself instead of me pushing articles his way. A lot of men get the sports aspect very, very quickly so he clocked onto that right away.
And I think he started watching YouTube videos - he's more of a centrist so listens to both left and right wing stuff. And the people he watched or listened to also started mentioning trans issues. He also was skeptical about transitioning children.

It took a while, but eventually I think he started to really see things from my perspective. And the nonsense and insanity spouted by trans activists are immensely helpful. He started sending me links to articles and videos - "have you seen this?!?" And I'd go "yep, crazy isn't it.."

So yeah he gets it now. Maybe your husband will also get to that point over time. Or maybe he won't. It's difficult to know how individuals will change their mind over time. Some people don't like to admit they've made a mistake, so dig their heels in instead of going yeah you were right.

He sounds like a typical hysterical, illogical man I'm afraid. They often get like this when things are difficult to understand. They shouldn't be allowed to make decisions tbh.

And if he thinks this is a stupid and frustrating argument then he might have a glimmer of understanding where you're coming from and why gender is harmful.

Do you subscribe to Glinner’s emails? I found yesterday’s email regarding women’s prisons compelling, I saved it for the next time I have to discuss matters with my dcs. It might be a great angle to come from.

If you on social media using #DSaveWomensSports should be a good way to search.

www.runnerspace.com/gprofile.php?mgroup_id=44531&do=videos&video_id=336715

Laurel Hubbard, Lia Thomas etc here:
www.google.com/amp/s/www.outsports.com/platform/amp/trans/2022/3/1/22948400/transgender-trans-athlete-championship-national-world-title

This website is great for showing differences between boys and women in sport.
boysvswomen.com/#/

Can you introduce a conversation about something really wacky and work backwards? E.g. the man who identifies as a 6 year old girl and who left his wife and kids to be 'adopted' by a couple who look after him alongside their grandkids. Or something which would impact him e.g. if he was single would he like being accused of transphobia for not dating a transwoman? Or show him a photo of all the transwomen in female prisons and ask how he'd feel if you were locked up with any of them.

Show him the photos of the school teacher in Canada I think with the ginormous comedy knockers operating woodworking machinery. That should help him along the path to enlightenment

Kayla Lemieux, a teacher in Ontario, Canada, is who you need to Google

I think, if you don’t follow the subject, you would just find some of the situations too ridiculous to believe

• men competing is women’s sport
• sex offenders being locked up in prison with vulnerable women
• a woman getting raped in hospital and the staff denying a man was there

i mean, who would believe those things could happen? And not get reported in much of the mainstream media?!

OP, my other half couldn't really understand what the issue was when I first started talking about it. I think he thought it was about trans people, and therefore niche. I tried to explain it was about women and women's rights, but perhaps I wasn't explaining it well, I don't know. In the end we pretty much agreed to not talk about it.

Then one day I recall him coming home and opening the paper to an article about Keira Bell. He was absolutely furious. He'd finally 'got it'. The risks, the lack of reason, the contradictions, the consequences. He's continued to 'get it' ever since, and is now completely understanding of the issues.

As are most of the people I know, tbh. Across the political spectrum, all ages, all classes, occupations.

Go to boysvswomen — it will blow his mind if he really thinks elite female athletes can beat male competitors.