Why I stopped ‘being kind’

[BewaretheIckabog]

Partially inspired by another thread.

When I first ventured on to FWR I had seem some dangers of the modern gender ideology and conflicts between TRA demands and women’s rights.

I did think some contributors on here were anti-trans and far too outspoken. I genuinely believed the balance was to be kind to individuals and respect pronouns etc.

I do consider myself a critical thinker and realised the dangers of queer theory but was so bloody naive about gender ideology.

I really thought I could straddle the two camps and support people with dysphoria whilst defending sex-based rights.

I can’t believe how long it took me to realise using their preferred pronouns Eddie Izzard and India Willoughby may be kind to what they want. Unfortunately while being kind to these individuals feels nice, buying in to the myth is horribly unkind to gender non-conforming kids.

It’s not kind or liberal to tell children that they can be something that they are not. It’s not kind to pretend you can change sex.

Using preferred pronouns may seem benign but being kind in an unthinking way is dan.

This + infinity.

I am sick of being seen as having to be subservient, kind, a fucking doormat to these people.

They want my rights taken so they can have more. Fuck off. Have your own and don't step on mine.

"I did think some contributors on here were anti-trans and far too outspoken. I genuinely believed the balance was to be kind to individuals and respect pronouns etc."

What you genuinely believed, we probably all believed at some point. I did! It's why I love this meme so much.

I’m kind. Really, I am. I go out of my way to be a helpful, pleasant, thoughtful member of society.

But ‘be kind’ in this context means to turn a blind eye to serious safeguarding breaches and to centre (usually male) adult feelings over the safety of children and hard won rights of women.

Kindness has no place here.

Just because I spent years keeping other people clean and fed and pretending their pictures were fabulous, doesn’t mean I can’t also have views

So much this.

my starting point is Be Civil.

and also, if you are going to support a group, and idea, an ideology. Ask yourself this.. whose voice am i NOT hearing?

Who gets heard, who is amplified and WHO gets overlooked or shouted down. We do not need to attend to those who can already make themselves heard.

I haven't seen that meme before but I love it.

Like the poster you were responding to I arrive at the MN feminist boards thinking some posters were a bit harsh and surely there was just a misunderstanding and it could all be worked out with respectful dialogue, oh how I laugh now at my nàivety.

I have good boundaries but I am a kind and genuinely helpful person but having been called so many names for expressing perfectly reasonable opinions in a respectful way I no longer care what anyone calls me. TRA's are demanding total capitulation not kindness so why would I even try to be diplomatic when expressing the truth.

I have come to agree with them on one thing though, "no debate"; women's rights, LGB rights and children's safeguarding are not up for negotiation.

Love the meme @WhereYouLeftIt

i do find it funny how badly some of our visitors react to being told no, no we won’t beeee kind, no we won’t put ourselves Abd other women second

it genuinely feels that for a lot of them, they simply never considered that women might say no, that we might not do as they demand even when they’ve tried alllll the guilt trips on us

they seem genuinely baffled that mumsnet isnt their actual mum & so no we don’t have to pander to them or humour them

Really agree, spot on.

FOJN
Like the poster you were responding to I arrive at the MN feminist boards thinking some posters were a bit harsh and surely there was just a misunderstanding and it could all be worked out with respectful dialogue, oh how I laugh now at my nàivety.

Oh god this was me too, I remember a few years ago venturing on the Feminism boards and thinking that posters were just angry nags (which I know is buying into the misogynist trope). Pretty ashamed of that now.

I really thought when I was a young woman that we had come so far, and feminism wasn't really needed anymore, and women who said we did were being unreasonable and mean. How wrong I was.

Also I think even 10 years ago there was a feeling surgery was getting better and so the debate about puberty blockers and later passing had some legitimacy. Now we all know the medical tech is just not there and so the goal is not possible to achieve it looks a bit different. To me anyway.

Plus social contagion and the demedicalisation of trans.

This, thank you for giving my the words I've not been able to articulate

they seem genuinely baffled that mumsnet isnt their actual mum & so no we don’t have to pander to them or humour them

this is very funny @Theeyeballsinthesky

they seem genuinely baffled that mumsnet isnt their actual mum

🤣🤣🤣

And very confused when the emotional blackmail and foot stamping doesn’t work. It’s epic

Being kind without having boundaries and without the ability to stand up to protect them is naive at best and dangerous at worst. This is what I teach my children.

It’s always a one way street.

Is it kind to expect a woman to be locked in prison with a biological male sex offender because he says he is a woman?

Is it kind to tell a female victim of rape that she is problematic if she doesn’t want to discuss her trauma when a person with a penis is in the room?

Is it kind to tell people puberty blockers are completely reversible when even the NHS doesn’t feel confident making that statement?

Back to Cicero - cui bono - who benefits?

Perhaps men can start to be kind. In whatever guise they take...

Fucking sick of being seen as a pushover and that we should buy into a fetish which puts our safety in more danger than it already is.

I am all about being fair.

In being kind the needs of one person or group are met but can come at the expense of the person or group doing the kindness. This has to be a choice freely entered into, and there should be no censure should the kindness be withdrawn. When kindness becomes an expectation it ceases to be a kindness and becomes a demand.

Fairness requires that the needs of all are considered, not just the party wanting / needing / demanding the kindness.

So, dont be kind, be fair.

'Be kind' is just DARVO in a nutshell.

If you call people out on their bad behaviour, they play the victim and turn it back on you.