The start of my feminism turns out ALSO to be start of GC

[GerbilsForever24]

BIL is a bit of a twat. He's very TWAW and "Be Kind" and al the rest of it and for some reason I got myself a bit annoyed about it this morning (I haven't even seen or spoken to him in weeks).

And then I had this revelation. When I was 15, the girls were kept after assembly once. Lots of people had been complaining about the girls being verbally harassed, some flashing etc. We were given the usual spiel about being careful etc but it was all finished with the head teacher telling us that we should also stop wearing our skirts so short and our socks so low....

I didn't hear the term victim blaming for probably another 20 years but I instinctively understood in that moment. I remember being absolutely FURIOUS because the day before I'd had two men in a van making lewd comments as I was on my way to a friend's house. Her mum was driving us to a cross country race and I was wearing my cross country kit, a tracksuit, a chunky jumper that belonged to my much older brother and a beanie. So not exactly provocative.

And then, as I was thinking about it, I realised, "hang on, BIL is always banging on about being kind and that supposedly these men are actually women and all the rest of it but you know what? I weighed about 7 stone in those days, possibly less. I was very boyish - tiny waist but also tiny hips and no boobs. ZERO curves. And was wearing 4 layers of bulky clothes and those men STILL knew I was a girl. So how the actual F are we all supposed to pretend we don't know what a woman is?

It's made me absolutely furious this morning.

Also, it's all very well for BIL to tell me and SIL, patronisingly, that we should "be kind". But every single women has experienced the kind of harassment etc above. Oh, some claim they haven't and maybe there is the odd outlier, but the rest of us know the truth. Because when you're young, you're fair game to the lot of them and it's bloody relentless. I mean BIL's daughter is in her 20s and he has been known to comment on her clothing being inappropriate.

and Breeeeaaaaatttthhheeee.

Tell him you'll be kind to men when he shows that he can be kind to women

He thinks he's a card carrying feminist and brilliant to women.

Next time I am going to ask him if he is willing to "be kind" and date that trans woman with a penis that he thinks I should be kind to and allow into the gym changing room with me.....

Ask him why he won't accept gender non conforming males in males spaces? Ask if he's willing to go out of his way to make them feel welcome, to educate other men?

I think most genuine transphobia is basically homophobia and sexism. Sadly it is aped by TRAs (that is, activists, who are definitely not all trans) themselves: the drive to conceal "transness" and pretend somebody really IS the opposite sex is a transphobic (and sexist and often homophobic) one.

Note that activists never seem to care about genuine transphobia.

Also the bar shouldn't just be dating a TW. Plenty of men have bi tendencies! The bar should be something like: would they use one for a surrogate?

Hugs
My advice is to seek out the company of women who understand, this section is awesome.
But your BIL is probably not going to change his mind and to show him why he is wrong is a long process which he is unlikely to be willing to walk with you. So my advice would be to be clear that you disagree, but to not waste your breath on him. Just store up really great examples as you read about them.

Like female prisoners being raped.
Transgender trend , sex matters are both great places to start !

Sadly once you see it, it's impossible to unseen and it's frustrating enraging frightening and Exsaysting.
But you've found your tribe and we bake and knit.

Oh, he used fine with trans women in men's space ... he just feels that because they are uncomfortable they shouldn't have to use those spaces.

Agree with all the posts. Just needed to rant. Also to verbalise the realisation that that teenage moment, which I have long known was pivotal for me, was actually even MORE pivotal than I realised.

Well yes - .. “he just feels that because they are uncomfortable they shouldn't have to use those spaces.”

How about a less than 7 stone girl feeling uncomfortable to use a space with a 6 foot 2, 17 stone male in it? Should she have to use it?

You won't change his mind because he just doesn't care about women. He is wearing a woke face because it doesn't affect him.

Yes. Men are actual people - humans. Women are sort of things really aren’t they? Things that like to whine on about nothing.
Where as men have thoughts and feelings. So we should all be kinds to them and give them whatever they want.

I've found it easier to highlight that I am not anti-trans, I am pro-women. Many women and girls need safe spaces to be physical, such as sports, or to be vulnerable or undressed in, such as prisons or rape crisis centres. Transwomen in these spaces is unhelpful - a third space is necessary and legal to protect women and their interests.

Although having said that, I do get a bit ragey about men appropriating my identity as a woman. I've been a patronised girl, a girl terrified at my first period, a teenage girl trying to decide if I was a slut or a square, a professional woman trying to forge a career, a mother and now a plump middle-aged woman terrified of menopause. I didn't get to identify out of any of it and I don't appreciate men trying to take it and say it's theirs.

Oh come on. You know that cis women have ALL the power and we should be kind to transwomen who are hugely discriminated against. It's completely bizarre that we should even feel uncomfortable.

ZeldaFighter you've articulated exactly how I feel

Thank you very much ❤️

My standard answer to "be kind" is "I am. Kind to the women and girls who need female-only spaces and services." I might ask why, seeing as I am one of these women, I would ever choose to neglect and deny my own needs for the benefit of men I don't know and have no reason to care about.

But I'm done with balance, compromise and appeasement. I won't be guilted into putting men's feeling over women's needs. And I no longer care what I get called or how I'm thought of in return. It's been liberating not to give a fuck anymore.

OP, I think you'll really enjoy this essay

@PurgatoryOfPotholes

This is excellent!!

Oh that is good!

Isn't it just!

He's not being kind to women if he's not listening to their concerns about being erased. You can't fight sexism without first recognising that biological reality is the basis for most of the oppression of women and girls, not the way we express ourselves. It's not the "female gender" that is oppressed, it's the very real female biological sex.

I hear your rage and I'm with you!