Feminist women who date men! How did you find a man who doesn’t watch porn?

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Hi! I already asked this on the other feminist board, I don’t know if they have the same crowd, so I’ll ask just in case:

I trust people on feminist site to know how problematic porn is, so I don’t have to go into details as to why I don’t want to date someone who watches it.

I’m interested to know how women who are feminist and would like / do date men navigate this minefield?

This includes of course using sex workers, strippers, OF etc…

just ask them what they think about it but in a very neutral, non leading way?

years ago when I was looking for a childminder for my 14 month old, I asked them what they thought about disciplining children, it was a very revealing question

some paused and said, 'you know we're not really allowed to smack them don't you'
and some said 'I don't think discipline is quite the way to think about it'

so very useful answers

I was going to write a long post but it basically boils down to how you spot that anyone is not sexist, misogynist or other things that I'd object to. So with my DP in the very early days I paid close attention to how he treated women generally, at work, in his family, and in general. Also how he responded to other men being casually sexist, whether he went along with or not. Within his friendship group there was no culture of going on stag trips to Amsterdam or strips clubs, etc etc.

I'd have split up with him if anything didn't sit right with me.

Find one called Nigel.

By paying attention to what they do.

By v v slowly establishing compatibility/ shared values through getting to know them before thinking of them as romantic partners.

By accepting that if you're horny and that's your prime interest in someone, you haven't gotta put him on the pedestal of virtue. Don't dress it up or try to polish a turd. Not every fuck is going to be a good person. Don't pretend they have to be or are.

By understanding that lots of people showboat and treat dating as an audition. Disregard that.

By dating loads of turds and making loads of mistakes and then working on your own boundaries/ trauma/ self esteem.

Just raise your bar

Female Dating Strategy have some really
good guidance on how to screen dates for porn use!

When I first moved in with my husband (then boyfriend) I found some pornographic magazines. He made a big deal about taking them to the recycling bin. Some years later I found the same magazines again. Before leaving him (after 14 years) I discovered he was using porn every night on his laptop. I tried to be understanding. However he didn't want me in this world of his, it was his. I left him because he was abusive and it took me a long time to realise I was in an abusive relationship. What I'm saying is they can hide it very well. With hindsight there were signs about the porn and the abuse. Don't be blind and don't settle for anything less than you want, a man who does not need porn.

That site is good (I'm not looking to date). Good thread here on porn with tips. According to some a good question to ask is so what kind of porn are you into? Implies you are okay with porn. www.thefemaledatingstrategy.com/forum/cultural-misogyny/question-re-porn

I found a man who doesn't watch porn, because quite frankly I was bloody well lucky.

He was also born before 1970. Before the internet, which has a huge amount to do with it.
He's wonderful. Much older than me, but worth it because he's such a magical person.

Sorry if you're a woman looking for a man born after 1985-1990. You'll have trouble finding a non porn user.

Dunno. It's just not his thing.

I first decided to be single for 25 years.
(A lucky exit from a horribly abusive relationship).

It meant that I did not care about «finding a man» and was content until someone worthy of my time came along.

I was poor, single Mum of 3 (1 with severe Asd), no education, no place to live (luckily my parents could take us in). But I finally found my boundaries and my self worth.
And I realised nothing is worth compromising on that.

When I met my now husband I was head over heels in love, but very clear on what I need and want and what I do not want. No compromise. He was the same, and that we agree on the basics is pure luck. He has said he found me shocking in that respect, but that he realised that even if that level of honesty seem a bit brutal, it made it a lot easier. No guessing games.
No porn was only one of my conditions for using my precious time to Get to know him. I stated them straight away so that if he didn’t agree he could be on his Merry way; no hard feelings.
I paid close attention to his behaviour to check that his actions mathed his words.

My husband is a great guy. I love him, and actually think he’s the best! 🤓 But I would leave him without hesitation if I discovered anything untoward. He knows this, and he feels the same.

I like this comment.

If you want to shag someone then enjoy it. But keep your boundaries firm over who gets your investment into a relationship. Start the feminist chat early on. Their response will be enlightening. Are they vegan? Do they show the same consideration to female humans? Is their mum/sister a sex worker? Are they going to suggest it if they need cash? If not, why is it OK for other women? Honestly, women are screwed from so many angles (pun not intended) in society, it's easy to turn most conversations into a discussion on feminism and power differentials.

I would add though, that millenials upwards have been bathed in misogyny and porn. And it's currently difficult for real feminist thought to filter through to the mainstream due to the fake feminism aggressively pushed by Guardian etc. But that doesn't mean that a good hearted individual can't change.