I can only advise you from my point of and experience. My dd is now 18. She is a lesbian and we are out the other side of the period where she grapples with Her gender identity.
Dont talk to her about her sexuality. Treat her like you would if you knew she was straight. Would you have started a similar conversation if she was straight? You may have done, I am just suggesting that’s maybe you something you think about. Engage her in conversation about anything and everything other that the gender question or her sexuality at first. Ask her opinion on things. I found that realising dd was listened to and had her opinions acknowledged made her open up about others things. I would disagree when talking but only after acknowledging I understood why she had the thoughts she had.
We would talk about all sorts. Lots about female issues. But lots of other things, politics, sport, what’s in news, Situations at my work, At her school, Discussions I had seen on here and I would tell her I would like to know what a female of her age thought and felt.
I would tell her how something played out at work and be really honest about being a woman in a male industry. Explain why things were not as straight forward as she saw. We talked about gender issues, but in relation to these other things. and I was honest with her with my thoughts, after listening to hers. She could see how ‘terf’ was being used to shut women down who had genuine concerns. She saw that GC women were not terfs. But this was after discussing other issues for a good while.
There was a gender questioning period. She was in a relationship with a trans boy. By this time she was used to telling me things, discussing them. I always encouraged her to listen to opinions, then think about what she wanted to do. It came to a head when she was told she couldn’t use the word lesbian in regards to her sexuality because it was transphobic towards the person she was dating. We discussed it. She was also questioning her own gender because she wasn’t a ‘girly girl’ and her circles encourages the pov that she may also be a trans boy. Eventually, after being told she wasn’t welcome at a students lbgtq+ group because she still used the word lesbian and admitted she would not date a trans girl, we talked about it alot and she realised the homophobia against lesbians was rife. And she realised that the encouraging her to present as a trans boy was part of that homophobia.
We have discussed her sexuality only when she brought it up at first. She did ask me how I felt about her being a lesbian. She is aware I am concerned about the homophobia she would face, but aside from that I am quite opinion less on it. I support her. I love her. What the sex of the people she is attracted to is not a big deal to me. While knowing and acknowledging it IS a big deal for her.
But we only got to a point where we could discuss these things, because she has got used to being able to express herself, be listened to but challenged, in a safe environment.
We both learned from eachother and I have been open that I did learn from her too.
She was at away at uni when Liz Truss resigned and called me to discuss it. She came home last night and we discussed the potential replacements, the possibility of a GE, wether sexism (on top of being shit) impacted Liz Truss’ resignation etc. Thats just how we are now.
sorry for the long post. But you need to create an environment where you talk and discuss lots of things. Not just the gender issue or her sexuality. It needs to be part of normal life. I grew up in a home where young people didn’t get to have an opinion on wider issues, even when it directly impacted is. Which causes all sorts of issues. I wanted a very different environment for my daughter and it’s worked out for us.