My friend has just declared he is trans

[Teeah]

For context, I am a bisexual woman in my late thirties and he is a gay man in his mid forties.

He's always struggled with his sexuality due to homophobic parents and wider family being generally unsupportive. When we first met he told me he was straight, and only "came out" to me after a few years.

We've always been very close; there's never been any indication of him thinking he's a woman before, however, now he's saying that he's just realised he's always been a woman and was suppressing it due to his upbringing. Both of his parents have recently passed away.

I'm trying to be gentle with him, as I love him dearly.

Does anyone have any advice in terms of what to say/ how to react to this?

Point being that wikipedia never does this yet they did with DM...

point being that you can’t believe a word wiki says

same with dm

and guardian

have to check em all…lying gits

Oh the sacred caste now has inside jokes! What's next? Secret handshake?

OP if your friend's parents were difficult then he is not only mourning their deaths but also mourning the family he wished he had. It's a lot to deal with... but it's like going to the AA... he's going to have to want to deal with the grief himself. There's only so much you can suggest. The bereavement board might be able to help more.

Just imagine he had become a workaholic or a skydiving fanatic or started clandestine car races so closely after his parents passed away. What would you have thought and done? Do that.

You raised the “whale” linked with a trans kid.

it was a shark and it makes no sense as a symbol, hence “reason”. It was also you who suggested the “whale” poster was a troll- who might be making a point with the choice of cuddly animals.

I don’t know if that poster was a troll- it was a weird reason that just seemed like a bizarre choice. Why choose a shark to represent trans people? It makes no sense. Unless someone, somewhere is taking the piss.

I agree your friend should get bereavement counselling before anything else. It’s a traumatic time that needs working through. Whether the friend transitions or not there’s still a whole load of stuff to work through separately.

@Blister just lingered on this site long enough now to know who the real deal is and who's here to take the piss

We have a young woman within our circles who lost her child. She decided she was a man just 9 months afterwards. None of us went along with it even though we did try so very hard to understand what was going on and my partner went to therapy with her. But she ended up blanking us all. Trauma wreaks havoc on our psyches I'd suggest being a good friend but holding on to the truth

Has he been happy relationship wise in his gay relationships before? It may be impossible to talk to him, but I would still try. It's a huge decision. And the sad thing is that you can't actually change sex, so the ultimate goal is unachievable. What does he think being a woman means? I hope he finds comfort.

I don’t mind being unpopular, I’ve been debating with my own teens for some years now resulting in some rather honed responses.
Still, if random Mumsnetters whose names I don’t even recognise want go have a pop at me or go off on endless details about sources can you find another thread to do it on? We have lots of debate threads, this is a support thread.

@Teeah - this is by a female detrans person but it’s a moving and detailed account of how trauma, including PTSD/cPTSD can manifest in a way that it can be mistaken for Gender Dysphoria - it’s just an unmediated, first person account, but it’s every thoughtful.

funkypsyche.substack.com/p/how-ptsd-can-mimic-gender-dysphoria

Perhaps it will give you some ideas for widening your friend’s perspective in a way that will hopefully be helpful to him?
Sudden onset of a cross sex identity is unusual in an older gay chap, so while your friend may well find satisfaction in transition (and as an adult, transition is obvs your friend’s decision to make) I can totally sympathise with the worry that your dear friend is making a long term plan based on what is seemingly a new feeling.

@TheClogLady

mobile.twitter.com/SocklessCutie/status/1576530216323026946

Remember when you were baited by Junebug of all people into claiming that you private messaged with the concerned shark mother? This is from her Twitter...fairly certain she also runs some fairly popular Mumsnet cringe type account...

"And please don't take anything from the Daily Mail seriously"

I agree.

I'll just leave this here: www.theguardian.com/media/2019/jan/23/dont-trust-daily-mail-website-microsoft-browser-warns-users

Unfortunately, there’s not much sense or compassion in a movement that encourages people to have major body-changing drugs and surgery when they are going through a crisis.

RTFT Marge! That link has already been posted 🙄

I'n defending MargaritaPie!!!

That's actually a different link @TheClogLady , unbelievably Margarita is actually right!

Who'd have thought it?

... the thing is though Margarita, none of us need those links. As we have pointed out none of us trust the Mail.

Ha! I concede - sorry Marge! 😘

😂Notice the crickets from clogs?

None of us trust the mail.

Surely clogs must trust them a bit to share their articles? Seems a bit sketchy to share any random article from a paper you don't trust.

Don't Cruse Bereavement Care say not to make any major decisions within 2 years of a Bereavement?

Try reading what we've already written.

Where have we got in the world when 'coming out' about your sexuality, who you prefer to love, is the harder option then telling people you now think you're the opposite sex and totally rewrite your history.

Notice the crickets from clogs?

Naw, I’m way too interested in the actual topic to get bogged down in a derail this evening.

@Teeah - the NHS page on post-trauma may also be useful.

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/complex/

and I’ve just been reading this, I’ve not come across it before - it’s looking at the term ‘Dysphoria’ as a wider concept than specifically Gender Dysphoria, and defining dysphoria in contrast to depression.

I’m going to sit down and read it again properly now, with wine, rather than multi task with the last dog walk of the day!

www.ranzcp.org/RANZCP/media/Conference-presentations/INPP%202018/05-10-2018-Fri-1630-1800-Vladan-Starcevic.pdf

I just looked it up and it does seem to be common advice not to make any big decisions quickly.

Screenshot from this NHS leaflet:

www.talkliverpool.nhs.uk/media/1392/bereavement.pdf

Yeah but the rules are different for gender. For other areas, post bereavement, don't make any big changes or decisions you may come to regret.

Gender? Affirm, everyone. Affirm. Get thee to a gender clinic and the appropriate medical pathway forthwith.

Obviously when one feels a sudden gender incongruence it's a revalatory experience and there is absolutely no way that external events like trauma or abuse could have any bearing on our feelings about gender. We are all born with a holy innate true gender and it's essential we make our meatsuits fit accordingly.

This innate gender can change but obviously not as a result of external circumstances - only as the result of some mysterious and unfathomable inner process.

On a flippant (and bitter) note, it makes a change to try to become a woman, rather than quickly replace the dead woman (like my father, my father-in-law and uncle did)