Dear Employer
Thank you for your recent correspondence about adding pronouns to my email. As you said, it ‘costs nothing’ and whilst I know that there have been whispers that you should actually be spending some time and money resolving some of the more important issues, like the mixed sex toilets that everyone hates, I am aware that funds are tight and managers bonuses don’t pay themselves.
I have to admit as someone who is a little older, choosing my own pronouns is rather new. Unlike the education system of today, where identity politics, pronouns and social justice take priority, when I attended the local comprehensive it was mainly just about achieving qualifications – how very boring! I do recall being told that ‘progressive’ meant telling girls that they could achieve whatever they wanted and that it was about changing minds not bodies, but I am aware that the meaning of some words has changed, and I am finding it difficult to keep up.
Anyway, I digress, so back to my pronouns. It’s all rather exciting and in my quest to make a decision I have started some research – as they say you can never educate yourself enough on these matters. It’s early days, but here are my thoughts so far:
Neo and make up your own pronouns - To be honest I don’t quite understand neo pronouns. I enjoyed 'The Matrix' and who doesn’t love a bit of Keanu, but I am just not sure they are right for me. However, make up your own pronouns, that’s something I am definitely considering. I recall that when my son was about three, he used to make up words and it all seemed rather cute. Unfortunately, his nursery teacher thought it a bit silly and asked him to stop. I am still on the fence with this option.
They/Them pronouns - I have to admit I quite like these pronouns. Did you know that singular ‘they’ has been used since Shakespearian times? I’m all for bringing a bit of Shakespeare back and a few more words like, ‘thee, thou and thine’ would certainly perk up some of those less exciting emails. I also think signage like, ‘the privies by yon’ could be more interesting than the current sign with the direction to the toilets and referring to the man who flirts with all the women in the office (we all know who he is) as the ‘Gandermooner’ may go some way in to helping him stop. Happy to discuss this further if you’re interested.
He/Him pronouns – Out of all of my research so far, this choice certainly seems to be the most lucrative. There is far too much to cover here, but the general consensus is that those who choose ‘he/him’ pronouns are definitely able to move up the career ladder quicker, earn more than others and from my own experience, feel that talking over people without a second thought is totally acceptable. If I do choose these pronouns, would I also receive the same benefits? Your response will certainly help in my decision-making process.
She/Her pronouns – Unfortunately, my research in this area has proven the most negative. However, as I am aware that time is money (those bonuses are important), it may be easier just to look at my findings on ‘he/him’ pronouns and reverse them.
Once again, I thank you for your interest. I look forward to your response.
Kind regards
Your employee
(Pronouns: undecided)