How to raise a boy??!

[ibis17]

Hello,

I hope this is the right thread for this question... so sorry if not - I'm still finding my way around here.

My partner and I have recently found out that I am pregnant with a boy. While I am so grateful to be pregnant (we have not had an easy experience getting here) and I want to be as good a parent as I can for him, I am also feeling very daunted at the idea of raising a boy.

I have a daughter, and a male partner (who is quite 'feminine' in how he presents and conducts himself). I have dated mainly women in the past and have experimented with different gender identities myself (concluded I am most comfortable as a tomboy).

My question is:
When raising our daughter, we have found it very easy to give gender a back seat. We have dressed her fairly indiscriminately in all colours, she loves tractors, planes and trains and building, equally she has recently (aged 2.5) shown some cautious interest in hairclips and handbags. It's felt very easy.

I don't want my own gender confusion/ fluidity or possible bias towards girls/ women to stop my son from being able to feel like a boy, however, I don't want to gender type him either... Looking at clothes and toys, the typical options seem so narrow for a boy, very binary. I don't want him to be the odd one out at school and nursery, but I also want him to feel he can be whoever he wants...

I would be really interested to hear other people's thoughts - from an angle of experience or theory!

As ridiculous as it sounds, my partner and I have been so worried about losing the pregnancy/ having a healthy baby that we hadn't stopped to realise that we had unwittingly both pictured having a second girl. We're now feeling quite a lot of gender disappointment (while realising how complicated this kind of response is and how lucky we are to be this far along with a pregnancy) and we are feeling very emotional and overwhelmed. I think that a lot of the fear and grief we have suppressed through the process of getting to this stage suddenly overflowed when the knowledge of the gender made the concept of an actual baby seem more real.

Thanks for any input!

Please be kind - we are both reading this and both quite fragile.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. May you stay well and the baby be born healthy.

please don’t worry about the rest - it will be fine: you’re having a baby, a person, who happens to be a boy. Just do whatever you like and don’t worry.

Just treat him like a baby, dressing him in neutrals etc, until he can tell you what he wants, and then listen to him.

Raise him like you’ve raised your DD. The only thing you need to do differently is put something over his willy during nappy changes so he doesn’t wee on you or his own face. I speak from experience.
Other than that, he has a boy body but his personality will be totally unique to him. You’ll be fine.

You feed them, clothe them and house them.

I totally understand your questions and I struggle with this too sometimes as a mother of a baby boy.
I want to raise him not seeing things as gendered. But the truth is we do live in a world where a boy dressed in pink is seen as making a point. I don't want him to be a political point, I just want him to wear and play with what he wants without people making comments.
My boy is only very little still but I will be buying him a range of toys including pushchairs, dolly's, tea sets etc.
He does have some clothes which are pink or have fairies on. If people make comments I just laugh and say that I think it's a lovely outfit, of course a boy can wear it, it's not exactly going to make his willy fall off!

This, really.
And as for clothes and things, maybe steer away from anything gendered – so space rockets and cars etc, but also sparkly things/fluffy rabbits. Keep it neutral. I'm sure he'll tell you exactly how he wants to dress once he's old enough to be interested, and then you take your cues from him.

I think as far as clothes go, neutral/ bright multicolour when little (have fun he won't care so long as he's warm and dry). Then when he is a bit older, toddler upwards, accept any hand me downs you can get, any colours/patterns stick them all in his drawer and let him choose. At this age leggings and t shirts are general the most practical option for any child so it is fairly easy to give a decent range without getting caught up with the dresses and skirts debate.

Then get a good selection of fancy dress, super heros, princesses, book week characters 🙄

More importantly is to raise him to understand the fundamental differences between sexes, and to accept and respect boundaries. There is another thread on here currently on this topic.

I have three DSs.

I’ve tried hard to help them grow up as caring and aware of feminism and not shackled by their sex in their choices. With varying success (they are 14+ now) although they do all know how t cook really well and are forced to load dishwashers and do washing.

I think having a girl and a boy presents a great opportunity to you - the most valuable thing you can do is not treat them differently. I had friends with brothers growing up who weren’t expected to do anything round the house while the girls had to, and so forth. It’s not as simple as this though as I think you can give subtle signals without realising - and we’re all sexist in that way without knowing it.

I guess we need to remain aware of our own prejudices in our dealings with children and model what we believe.

Don’t worry. He will soon direct you as to in what he will be interested. With two sons in their 40s and a four year old grandson, the direction they took was in no way influenced by us as adults.The four year old is the most sensitive of little boys but from a very young age went straight for anything with wheels (buses, cars,tractors) then on to dinosaurs and super heroes. His innate interest book-wise was animals both domestic/farm/safari. His favourite colour is pink. Enjoy your little boy.

Role modelling. the rest is consumerism buy it or don’t buy it - there is no need to overthink if you go with his interests and ignore the advertising.

you and dh need to role model especially around the caring and domestic roles so ( for example) he sees it is normal for men to have caring responsibilities and emotional intelligence, it is normal for men to undertake domestic drudge tasks routinely. Eg It’s normal for women to undertake diy and go to work . You will find most of the gendered crap comes from school - keep the conversation open and challenge the misconceptions. Allow him to express himself including his negative feelings.

i wouldn’t suggest I have cracked it as mum to 3 of them but I hope that their future partners do not find themselves lumbered with all the caring and domestic duties as a default and that ds also do not feel pigeonholed by stereotypes.

Maybe try to avoid a lot of tv? I have 2 - ds1 is quite feminist (appreciates that women have been treated unfairly historically for many reasons). Ds2 is v ‘boys are best’ (I’m hoping this is a phase). We thought we brought them up in a similar way - but I think ds2 was exposed to more tv shows earlier (and he likes lots of action ones; plus ninja warrior)…

ninja warrior is quite interesting to watch with them. I point out that clearly there is a difference between the average performance of men and women on the show. But also remind them that the successful women on there are probably better than 60-70% of men in the country. It does help that I am more sporty than DH (so on an individual level some girls can be better than some boys; but it’s pretty unfair in elite competitions to pit men and women against each other as their bodies are v different).

In terms of clothes, H&M and Zara do lots of neutral gender-neutral clothing. Companies like Lindex, Frugi do bright colours.

My son wears a lot of hand me downs or second hand clothing bundles, he’s often in yellow/purple/pink and T-shirts that have rainbows/unicorns etc as well as the typical “boy” patterns.

He loves his toy kitchen and dressing up in his cousins old tutu. Equally he loves his cars and will often throw the dolly out of the pram to tuck his cars in.

Id say they are very easy to non- gender stereotype at the baby and toddler age, once at school they are in uniform but you are dealing with other outside factors.

There are a couple of good books around raising boys. DS isn’t quite two but we are focusing on regulating his emotions at the moment and talking about feelings with him in an age appropriate way.

Congratulations!!!

This is a really good question OP, I have a little boy and, I worry how to raise him.

my family had like 1 boy and 500 girls and, almost the same on my husband’s side.

We aren’t going to stress right now, children don’t need anything enforced on them at a young age with the exception of routines for feed/sleep etc.

I am concerned with some of the things I see on the TV and being taught in school but I am confident in my ability and partners too that we can provide our son with the tools to navigate life and to know what is nonsense and what isn’t.

one thing though, discipline, I’ve seen very many children, especially boys, get into drink, drugs and an allure for this hip hop culture. I’m mixed race and based in London so know my son is from a community where we have issues with this.

We hope that by raising our child in a stable two parent home with boundaries, he won’t seek out a father figure in gangs or any other problematic areas.

we are also going to make religion a big theme in our household.

tbh these would be things I would have introduced if my child was female too.

i guess I don’t know what the right answer is but it’ll be one hell of a journey to find out.

Looking at clothes and toys, the typical options seem so narrow for a boy, very binary.

Clothes, yes, but toys? No toys are 'for a boy' or 'for a girl' - you must realise this?

Don't force anything, don't assume anything. Be led by the child. Children have an innate sense of fairness, so sometimes as they grow up I point out how things are unfair towards women for no reason. (e.g. they learn about democracy and voting in primary school - I explain how women didn't have the vote).
We have tried to emphasise the notion that there's nothing boys can do that girls can't, and vice versa (age-appropriate stuff - not to do with pregnancy etc!)

But it isn't really as simple as some of you are saying. Of course we will feed, clothe, and care for our boys.

However, as a radical feminist I have spent many years studying and witnessing male sexuality and violence. I want to know how to avoid raising a son who will embody what I see as innate masculine characteristics.

so space rockets

Space isn't gendered!

I have one son who loves pink, anything sparkly, has always been more arty, likes dressing in smart clothes (no sports wear) etc. The other is a total lads lad, loves blue, hates anything remotely feminine apart from soft toys, typical rough and tumble boy who hates "girl chat". So don't sweat it, dress him in whatever you think looks good when they are young, when they're old enough they'll soon let it be known what they prefer!

Boys are brilliant! So so loveable.

I have tried to raise both my kids the same way. Although I will admit to using gendered clothing most of the time (well apart from when DS pit on DDs dresses).

Both had dolls, trains, cars etc.

My DS has definitely been more boisterous than my DD but its probably just a personality thing.

Both kids are happy to play with both sexes and both have good friends of the opposite sex (they are still at primary).

There have been a couple if things that DS has said which I consider unacceptable - like a girl can't play football etc. He is given short shrift and knows that his sister can do whatever she wants.

Thanks so much everyone. A really interesting range of ideas - definitely food for thought.
very reassuring to know there are some others out there who have had similar thoughts/ emotions on this.
tv is a good point - my daughter isn’t hugely interested in it yet (she’s only 2.5) so I’m not massively aware of what’s out there beyond Shaun the Sheep…
She loves trains, planes, climbing and horses and has been boisterous from day one (lots of long cold lock down walks because she couldn’t stand being in the house, even as a one year old).
My partner does all the cooking so hopefully that will help. He’s very non traditionally male.
I think our ultimate pull is not forcing our own slightly non traditional gender views on him, but also not putting him in a box where he feels gendered as a boy. Kind of a juxtaposition!

I got the right hump when I found out my baby girl had a penis on the ultrasound.

But then he came and there was this little butterball who only wanted to be velcroed me. Honestly most of the newborn stage was taken up with wondering if my scar might spilt and all my insides fall out, and what the hell the hospital was thinking sending me & DH home alone with Real Live Baby.

At some point between that and the sleep deprivation being less of an issue he wasn’t “a boy”. He was “our boy”.

He’s in his early 20s and I’m adamant that even if I could go back in time and undo some really awful things that harmed my (original) family, I wouldn’t. Because the second go around maybe the wrong sperm would hit the bullseye and “our boy” would never exist. Which is unthinkable. Even in the hypothetical.

You’re not having “a boy”, but “your boy”. He’ll be who he is and both of you will do your damndest to do your best to bring out the best in him. God, you’re going to get new baby head smell. I’m so jealous. 🥰

ne thing though, discipline, I’ve seen very many children, especially boys, get into drink, drugs and an allure for this hip hop culture. I’m mixed race and based in London so know my son is from a community where we have issues with this

this too worries me as drug/violence/homelessness affects boys a great deal more than girls and (English-speaking) Western society hasn’t really dealt with it very well.

Your way over thinking, l have raised two sons almost single handedly, no support since husband died quite young. They are now tall strapping young men, authentic, assertive and more importantly kind decent people. l never gave what colour top or toy to play with a second thought.
l am from an all girl family, just go on your insticts, what l have learnt is that the world can be alot colder and harsher towards young males once they have passed cute toddler stage, and like this forum enjoy shaming them, so be mindful of that. So many mums on here are disapointed once they know they are having a boy, so they really start out at a disadvantage.

I have two boys. They have a sex (male) and they have their own personalities. I don't talk at all about "gender" to them.

When small I dressed them in a whole range of bright colours, including pink and blue, but equally along with all other colours and patterns. I favoured practical clothing, so mainly leggings/trousers and tops. I took them to various activities and followed their interests as they emerged. Again, had a variety of toys and activities available for them. I would have done exactly the same if I had girls or one of each.

We talked a lot about emotions and feelings, starting by naming them for them when they were little and then helping them to name their own emotions as they got older. We don't allow rough play, we talk about respecting other people saying "no", and asking people first if they are ok with a hug, or whatever. We try to model with our own behaviour around the house, so chores are shared between me and my (male) partner, we both do diy, cleaning, laundry, etc etc. we both work, and we are both equally involved with nursery/school etc etc.

I don't believe that boys are less able than girls to express the kinds of human qualities I would want from my children.

AlienatedChildGrown, thank you so much. Such a lovely kind message 💚💚

Ive just read the other two. So lovely as well. Thank you.
absolutely take your point about not shaming boys and wanted to add that we were definitely not disappointed, just taken aback (which in itself I appreciate is very irrational).