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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Toilet etiquette with small children in kids’ spaces?

19 replies

saynotofondant · 27/07/2022 18:12

I had an interesting dilemma the other day. This sort of quandary shouldn’t come up very often, I don’t think, but I’d be interested in hearing your opinions.

I have a 3 year old son who needs help using the loo.

Being his mum, I always I take him with me into the ladies’ when out and about if no family option available.

The other day was Sports Day at his pre-school, where the pre-schoolers joined in with the bigger kids (4-11 yo). My son said he needed a wee, so I took him inside. But then I wondered - which loo do I choose?

Do I take him in to the girls’ loos?
For - I am female, and being an adult my sex has thus far always taken precedence in the loo decision.
Against - girls only a year or two older than him might be in there and they are sort of his peers. It’s not a normal public space like a restaurant or station, it’s a school. They might feel uncomfortable. I know I wouldn’t have liked to see a boy in my year using the girls’ loos when I was only a bit older than my son.

Or the boys’?
For - he’s a boy. Boys frequently have their mums helping out/boys are frequently in women’s spaces when going to the loo or changing for swimming, so boys might not mind my presence as much as girls might mind his?!
Against - I’m not male!

I know I’m overthinking this, but I was genuinely quite stuck for a minute. I did have to make a very quick decision in the end though, and choose the boys’.

What would you have done?

Extra info:

In his pre-school classroom there are 2 cubicles, with half doors, not sex segregated. But the pre-school classroom was locked.

I did actually find unisex loos for the second wee trip! They were in minging condition though. The boys’ loos were pretty clean and seats intact.

In any case, hopefully he’ll not need my help getting on the loo by the time Sports Day 2023 rolls round..!

OP posts:
RoseslnTheHospital · 27/07/2022 18:38

I'm not sure your very specific situation is generalisable. When supervising small children I would use the toilets that correlate to my sex. So my DS always comes into the womens toilets with me, until he is old enough to go into the mens unsupervised. If there are single self contained "family" or unisex toilets then I would choose those when with my DS over the womens.

saynotofondant · 27/07/2022 19:13

That’s what I do too - the only reason I thought twice this time was because I was in a school with his peer group. Usually it’s an easy answer, but this time I felt weird bringing him in to girls’ loos.

OP posts:
redskyatnight · 27/07/2022 19:35

What toilet would he normally go to when at pre-school? Surely that's the answer?

NuffSaidSam · 27/07/2022 19:40

I wouldn't have gone in at all. If the toilets are designed for a 4 year old to be able to use, they were surely also suitable for a three year old?

If he can't toilet by himself I would have asked a teacher to take him. I think in this situation the sex issue isn't as relevant as the fact that unchecked adults shouldn't be in the school toilets regardless of which sex they are/which sex toilets they were in.

I also think for the other children it would be more upsetting for a strange adult to be in there than a 3 year old of the opposite sex, I think you're worrying about the wrong thing!

NuffSaidSam · 27/07/2022 19:41

redskyatnight · 27/07/2022 19:35

What toilet would he normally go to when at pre-school? Surely that's the answer?

The pre-school toilets, but they were locked. It's in the OP.

PuttingDownRoots · 27/07/2022 19:41

School should have anticipated this if allowing parents into the toilets.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/07/2022 19:50

Girls toilets- at his age he can’t go in the boys alone so it’s the toilet that correlates to your sex

Sprogonthetyne · 27/07/2022 19:53

I don't think you should have been in either toilet if they were in use by unsupervised children (not a judgement on you, it's just usually the safeguarding police). If your son needs help you should have been let in to the visitor or staff loo.

Not saying that it's your fault, just suprised the school let's visiting adults walk round the school without a staff member, especially into their toilets.

bythere · 27/07/2022 20:41

The girls in this case or any other case.

If there had been older boys(say 9-11) in the boys they would be uncomfortable with an adult woman in there; far more than a 3 year old in the opposite sex would make anyone.

Mrsjayy · 27/07/2022 20:45

Why didn't you send him into the boys toilets on his own I mean the toilets are designed for children? Anyway I think it's fine to take a little boy into the women's toilets with his mum.

FilePhoto · 27/07/2022 20:48

I'm surprised parents were allowed in to the let's at all tbh.
How does he manage at pre-school if he still needs help ?

Anyway, small DC go in the correct toilets for whichever parent they are with imo.

Pinkflipflop85 · 27/07/2022 20:49

I'm very surprised you were even let in to use the children's toilets. Poor safeguarding on the school's part there.

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/07/2022 20:54

Girls - you are a woman and he is too little to bother them

It’s not on for a woman to walk into a loo being used by boys over 7ish -

saynotofondant · 27/07/2022 21:18

Thanks for all your answers!

I guess I should have used the girls’ loos with him then, or tried to grab a staff member.

He literally can’t get up on to the toilet by himself; the pre-school ones are very low down and he manages them fine, but the ones in the rest of the school are a bit higher (though not adult height).

It was Sports Day so there were plenty of parents wandering around, and staff members all quite tied up. Good point that parents are not all DBS checked. Summer Fete would be another time when (even non-parent) adults have access to the toilets.

Perhaps that’s the bigger deal here..!

OP posts:
Bergamotte · 27/07/2022 21:47

Yes, the school should have a policy on this (and make it clear to the parents on days such as Fete or Sports Day- posters beside the toilets or something).

CharlotteOH · 27/07/2022 21:51

Our school was EXTREMELY clear that the loos were for the children only and under no circumstances were visitng adults to enter the toilets, for safeguarding reasons. If this OP is real, then her child’s school has very poor safeguarding.

(It is standard that where a very young child needs toilet help, they go with the adult into the toilet corresponding to the adult’s sex. As everyone knows.)

Bergamotte · 27/07/2022 22:03

It's a different situation but I had to go back to my old school, a few years after leaving, to get a form signed. Ended up with a long wait and needed to use the toilet- I could remember precisely where the pupil toilets were, and didn't have the dilemma of an opposite sex child with me, but I remember thinking "Hang on, it's probably against safeguarding for me as an adult to use the pupil toilets," so I asked at the office and they directed my to the visitor toilet.

Jules912 · 27/07/2022 22:05

Not quite the same situation but my then 3 year old newly toilet trained DD had a habit of needing the loo when dropping off or picking up DS from school, I was always directed to the adult toilets ( which were in view of the office so I couldn't go wandering around the school).

RamblingFar · 27/07/2022 22:12

You take them to the staff, disabled or visitor toilets. Even if there are lots of visitors milling around the school, the children's toilets should be child only.

Usually there is a staff or visitor toilet, in very small schools it may be the disabled toilet.

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