Please help me write to my school about toilet policy

[M08my]

Dear wise mumsnetters

I've name changed for this because I'm paranoid this post could be found by my employer. I'm an avid mumsnetter who posts a lot under my other name.

I'm a teacher in a secondary school in England. Several members of senior leadership are very loudly pro "LGBTQIAplus" rights.

A new, long, email has been sent by the assistant head about trans vocabulary we must use and two thirds down the document it matter of factly explains that we can reassure any pupil that they can use the toilets of whichever gender they identify with. It says that this is required under the Equality Act.

We already have at least two boys who identify as girls, and the official line is we address them by their new girls' names and use she/her. I only mention this because the toilets/changing rooms policy isnt purely hypothetical. I don't know those students personally.

For extra context, my school was soecifically mentioned as part of the Everyone's Invited allegations of peer-on-peer sexual assault (assault perpetrated by boys onto girls). To be fair, very many schools were.

I'm concerned that this new policy will put girls at risk, not from those specific trans students necessarily of course, but because it invites any boy to enter girls' toilets and changing rooms maliciously with impunity under the excuse of questioning their gender. Girls experience period stigma and might avoid their loos or even stay home during their period. Even worse, they may be scared to report any abuse for fear of being labelled transphobic. Teachers can't go into the toilets and changing rooms (of course, rightfully!) so any assault happening there wouldn't necessarily be witnessed.

I'm frightened to reply directly to this assistant head with my concerns about this new policy. I'm planning to write instead to the head of safeguarding. I'm so worried about it that I couldn't sleep last night. I drafted a long email in Word listing all the risks and quoting statistics and quoting official guidance that school loos should be single sex above age 8 and using facts from the Safe Schools Alliance resources. It runs to a page and a half, typed. I haven't sent it yet.

Please reassure me, mumsnet. Should I send it? I'm so scared of being considered politically hostile at my very left wing school. Teaching is very reputation based and I'm not even halfway through my career.

If I send it, how can I be most convincing? Short and snappy, or long and data/law-driven? As you can see from this post (lol) I'm bad at being concise.

Thank you so much for reading this far. I'm so grateful to this forum.

Epilepsy affects lots of children and it’s much safer for them to go to a toilet with a gap at the bottom of the door for obvious reasons. it sounds like the toilet doors still have gaps at the bottom in this case. But it does mean the likelihood of phones being used is greater.

Great work, OP! You have been really brave, but it shouldn't be necessary to be brave to raise safe guarding concerns, should it?

Thank you all so much for your support. DSL actually replied within half an hour (gosh - but actually I suppose as DSL he has to respond urgently to urgent safeguarding concerns so hes always on email).

He thanked me for my comments and said that in the past they have suggested to transgender pupils to use single occupancy facilities (it's what I suggested in my last para as complying with guidance) and that if they had to make any future decisions they would always prioritise safeguarding. That seems good, I'm glad...but it does seem to contradict AH's guidance to all staff I think? He also said he was "aware" of the attorney general's recent comments so that's good.

Finally he said he would be willing to talk further about this confidentially.

I think this is all good news although I'm still digesting it (and I haven't replied yet). I think it's good because:

-he didn't seem shocked or disapproving
-he didn't imply that I was being discriminatory or "transphobic" or anything like that
-he seemed to be aware of my arguments already (maybe someone has flagged this before, or something)
-he was OK with me wanting to keep my concerns confidential (I was a bit worried he'd ask "why didn't you just reply to AH directly")

I haven't worked out how I'm going to reply but I think I'll just keep it short saying "thank you very much for considering my concerns and I'm reassured that the safeguarding aspect is being considered in this matter" or something like that, probably phrase it better obviously.

Ps thank you so much Carrrll for saying I'm brave because I'm really not, I've been totally anxious about the whole thing. Tried to talk this through with my husband who is usually my rock and he was a bit like - he couldn't get worked up about this. His exact words were "it's not going to be a free for all, is it?" I said well you don't know teenage boys like I do. They can be awful oafs. It would be so easy for one to say "hey you let John go in the girls loos, why not me? I feel a woman today" just so he can go and torment a girl in there, not because he was actually feeling transgender. That did get through to DH.

Anyway I'm so relieved I haven't been completely told off by DSL, I just hope I've got through. There was an element of "this is all still under review" in his response.

You ARE brave, @M08my and sadly, your DH just doesn't get it. But then he hasn't been a teenage girl, so I suppose he doesn't realise. And neither have transwomen been teenage girls, so they don't get it either.

And we know that no-one listens to girls & women when they speak of their experience in these kinds of things.

The response of your DSL suggests to me that either you're not the only one who has contacted him with concerns, or, he has concerns himself, or there's been a bit of a debate in the SMT about this. Or bits of all those possibilities.

You ARE brave, @M08my and sadly, your DH just doesn't get it. He should do, as I expect that he has much more experience of exactly how obnoxious teenage boys can be. That said, I believe that he did "get it" when examples were given?

Well done op, you ARE brave. The kids in your school are a little bit safer today than they were yesterday, and that's because you found your courage, and did the right thing 💐

Yes to this!

Thank you all very much, it's really kind of you 💚🤍💜 I want to be braver and try to do the right thing more.

Yeah my DH really doesn't get it. It's a combination of a) he's not a teacher and works with computers (deliberately vague lol) and b) he really, really doesn't understand how common sexual assault is.

Recently I was having drinks with dh some of our closest friends, three men and two women. To my astonishment some of the couples started talking about Jk Rowling and how she is "the biggest transphobe" and how awful radical feminists are. I quietly mumbled, "well, I'm a radical feminist. I don't think JKR is a transphobe." This triggered a huge debate and I was really sad about it afterwards. You'll never guess what was the most convincing thing I said, though. I was saying men could go into our loos under false pretences and man 1 almost shouted, "that would never happen! That's like when people said criminals would wear burkhas! Youre acting like there's sex offenders everywhere" The two most vehement were two of the men. I just said "but sexual assault IS really common. Literally every woman I know has been sexually assaulted at some point, or even raped." Man 2 was about to rubbish this but glanced at his girlfriend first who just nodded at him. Both men were suddenly speechless.

Most men have no idea!!

Loads of typos! That should say one of the couples started talking about JKR. A man and his much younger gf who I think just follows whatever he says. The gf who quietly nodded about SA was the oldest at the table.

This sounds defeatist but I honestly think some understanding of these issues only comes with age. I don't know how to get through to younger people who have less life experiences of awful stuff

M08my
Ps thank you so much Carrrll for saying I'm brave because I'm really not, I've been totally anxious about the whole thing.

Being fearless isn't the same thing as being brave. Being brave is feeling thefear but doing the right thing anyway. I'm with Carrrll (and others) this was a brave thing to do. Well done you.

You most definitely are brave. You were afraid, but you did what your beliefs and conscience told you was for the best. I am a primary teacher and I know that there is a boy who has been raised as a girl in the year group below mine. I teach upper key stage 2, so I am really concerned about this child sharing the toilets with girls who will be starting to menstruate. I have made no secret of my GC views at school, but it will be entirely different when this is a real life situation for me. I only hope that I can be as brave as you are being.