My partner is leaving because I found feminism

[Arabella94]

Last week my heart was broken. My partner of 5 years told me that he has had enough, that he's no longer cut out to be a parent, that he wants to live free from responsibilities. He's blamed a large part of this to me finding feminism, believing that most men are abusive and that he is abusive. He is destroying my self worth and MH. I'm so scared to be a single mum, I'm scared to be alone, I'm scared that I am unlovable, I'm scared that my children will feel abandoned. I just can't be subordinate, I am very headstrong and can't change. He was my last shot at men, he's proved all my concerns of the sex. I just don't know where to go or what to do 😔

That's a really jumbled post. Does he expect you to be subordinate? Is he abusive? Being your last shot at men is rather dramatic too. There are plenty of dickheads out there but also plenty of good guys.

He's a parent who wants to live free of responsibilities?
Feminism ain't the problem. But you know that, of course.

I'm sorry you're scared and it's totally understandable, but you will get stronger OP.
How old are your children and what are the living practicalities, who owns the house etc? Are you married?
By the way he'll have to pay child support so tell him good luck with not wanting responsibilities. And presumably he wants some kind of relationship with his kids too?

I'm sorry he's a dick.

But feminism doesn't = most men are abusive

Cause they are not.

Truly he sounds awful. But he is not evidence that most men are bad. He's just evidence that he is bad.

Is he leaving because you said he was abusive, or is he leaving because he says you think all men are abusive and that you will automatically accuse him of being abusive?

Any man who thinks TWAW isn't worth the effort, you're best off rid of him.

Where does the OP say anything about TW??

He doesn’t want the adult responsibilities of being a parent, he wants to shag around and regain his teenage freedom, but in order to make himself feel less of a shit, he has plucked “feminism” out of the air as a scapegoat and in order to offload the blame and guilt on to you.
Sorry, OP, but he is a selfish immature shit and you are well rid of him. He probably has another woman lined up - most men do before walking out on their home comforts, they want another support worker on tap.

Where did you get that from??

“that he's no longer cut out to be a parent, that he wants to live free from responsibilities.”

I’m not sure how any of this has got to do with feminism, but sounds like he wants to be young, free and single again.

Regarding the abusive comments, did you previously do everything, and started asking him to pitch him. Ie. You were no longer a 1950s housewife? Is that what he resents? Ie. You standing up for himself?

Change is always difficult, but you’ll manage and cope.

He’s going to get hell of a shock when he has to start cleaning, cooking, doing the washing etc for himself!

Him wanting to opt out of parenting and live free of responsibilities just shows he’s a massive dickhead, regardless of what feminism might say. Is there more of a backstory here? Did feminism help you realise he’s a feckless twat?

Incidentally, if you have children, you can’t absolve yourself from that responsibility. You have children, you’re a parent. Full stop.

He may or may not be looking at another relationship, but if he ever does find someone else, he'll be telling her, "I had another partner, and children, but I walked out on them. Please love me." Every woman's dream of a man.

Well, that's how I translate this, too.

My partner of 5 years told me that he has had enough, that he's no longer cut out to be a parent, that he wants to live free from responsibilities

Except that men absolutely can absolve themselves of responsibility. And many do.

Except that’s categorically not what they say to the next partner.

It’s certainly not what the man who did exactly this to my good friend said.

They hook the next unsuspecting woman in with a load of crap and lies. And carry on carrying on.

Oh dear, I have a similar story, except that mine cut loose after more than 30 years. Which has pluses - children no longer small - and disadvantages - even more intertwined lives. Mine did huge amounts of self-contradiction concerning what was going on, which didn't help. Was happy to support Maya Forstater, only #bekind, back off if anyone disagrees. Same avoidance of responsibility, that's too hard.

I am sorry. Best I can offer is: feel how you feel, embrace the contradictions, trust your brain to sort it out if you trust it. You deserve better, but it's ok if you still love him even if he doesn't deserve it. Just look after you and yours rationally, however you feel.

I meant that finding feminism changed me apparently and that his perception of feminism is that we hate men, that we think that all men are abusive and to blame for everything, obviously I've never said any of these things. Feminism has changed me in that I have become more assertive and call out sexism. He's blaming me being a feminist. I don't buy it

Okay so we're hearing a lot about what he feels your faults are.

*It does seem rather odd, any man who is comfortable with his masculinity is not afraid of feminism and understands why a woman would have feminist views, even if she doesn't identify as a feminist. Seems like the gentleman doth protest too much for me.

• He says he wants to relive his youth and give up his adult responsibilities including his relationship with his children.

This is two completely separate issues and to my cynical old mind the first Seems like an excuse for the second, but I'd be interested to know the cause for the second.

Are you opening your eyes to how he treats you?

Does he take an equal role in the relationship?

Is there a possibility of another woman, or could it just be a mid/quarter life crisis.

I'm sorry you feel so sad and afraid, he's not being a partner to you, but the least he could do is be honest.

I am imagining things here but: Does this mean you expected him to perk up and do his share of parenting and household chores?

his perception of feminism is that we hate men, that we think that all men are abusive and to blame for everything, obviously I've never said any of these things

How old is he that this is the first he's heard of feminism? did he beam down from another galaxy, or something? and what's he been watching that he thinks feminism is about 'hating men'?

Given this was 9 months ago, I suspect the OP won't be replying.

Don't you HATE it when that happens??