Being called a bitch

[CervixSampler]

How do you respond when someone calls you a bitch? I hate being called a bitch, mare, cow etc. There's something about it that really offends me. Maybe because they are insulting female names. What's a good comeback? One of my favourite fictional character agrees with the name caller and corrects him (it's usually a him) to say "that's lieutenant bitch to you" and I love her for it but as I hate the word I don't want to encourage it. To make matters worse it's my own daughter who calls me these names. The one who I raised a feminist who decided her abusive dad was the better parent.

It's completely unacceptable. I'm puzzled by the other thread about this which seems to be more concerned about whether an insult was transphobic than an example of misogynistic bullying.

I never call anyone a bitch- I generally avoid all of the non- generic insults anyway- e.g dick, wanker, cunt, handmaiden etc. and prefer to focus on the actual offensive /irritating/ unacceptable behaviour.

For example a female colleague of mine is self- serving, narcissistic, blind to her own failings and untrustworthy, but she's not "a bitch"

It really grates on me too.

Takes one to know one?

How old is your daughter?

It's hard when it's your own pup. I'd be tempted to live up to the name and bite them or moult all over their favourite coat.

It's the intent that it's meant to be hurtful that makes it difficult to counter.

You could try taking the sting out of it. A bitch is a female dog, and dogs are awesome. Look at it as a compliment, maybe. When she calls you bitch, don't think of the intent. Think of the actual word. What you know it means.

Doesn't need a comeback, unless you want a row. Smile and say thank you?

I always say, if you’re gonna dare to speak my name, get it right, it’s Queen Bitch to you.

I don't think anyone's ever called me one tbh. I'd be absolutely horrified if my dd did. I think I would tell her how deeply disappointed I was to hear her say that (to any woman, never mind her mother). I would certainly not retaliate in kind.

How old is your daughter? I think that makes a big difference to how you should respond to this.

I would be horrified if a daughter or son of mine called me or any other woman a bitch. I wouldn't let it go.

Agreed- retaliating in kind is as bad as the original offence.

She's 15. I don't want to insult her back or retaliate but rather say something that will stop her in her tracks and make her think about what she's saying. I'm not sinking to name calling.

You don't need a really good comeback. You need to explain that this language is misogynistic and that it is not acceptable to use misogynistic language towards any women, but additionally not acceptable to talk in this way towards you as her mother. Ask her whether she would think it all right to use other slurs towards people of other characteristics.

Apart from talking with her about why this language is not acceptable, you should secondly make it clear that you are not going to tolerate it.

OP, I'm guessing you wouldn't have this hesitation if your daughter were to talk about someone being a poof or a chav or , well you get the picture, in telling her why it's wrong.

The suggestions about retaliating in kind are ridiculous- as well as missing the point by a mile- but why are you finding this word so difficult to deal with? Using it is as unacceptable as the examples I've given.

I'm really sad if you do genuinely think that because I'm trying to be the best parent I can. Unfortunately there is no manual on how to do it. It's a very offensive thing to call someone, can we talk about the issue properly rather than resorting to insults.

You need to stay calm, it doesn't matter what she says or what she calls you. She is lashing out for whatever reason and you need to be the grown up. She's not thinking about the words she uses she just wants to say something to hurt you. The best thing you can do is not be hurt and try to get to the heart of the issue.

Apologies, it's not acceptable for your daughter to call you, or anyone else, bitch, or anything. In the heat of the moment might not be the best time to address it. But you know your daughter. I expect being able to flee to her father makes things harder. My suggestion was to try to de-escalate things and perhaps make the pejorative less attractive to her for trying to bait and hurt you.
Mine called me, well I don't want to repeat it, I'm still not entirely sure why. I let her calm down overnight then laid down the law and put the fear of me into her. Not had a recurrence....yet.

I read this when a teenager. Ever since, I've taken being called a bitch as compliment. The BITCH Manifesto: www.jofreeman.com/joreen/bitch.htm

I have had many conversations with her about calling names. I don't have any influence over her since she lives with her dad.

This is one of the saddest MN threads I have read.
It's very difficult to advise as your dd lives with your ex.
You either patiently explain that the word hurts you and why and ask her to stop using it, reclaim the word and pretend it's empowering and make fund of your dd ("that's lieutenant bitch to you"), or call her bitch too and explain why, or if she doesn't stop, stop seeng her. She is abusive to you and she isn't all that young, I personally think she needs to learn boundaries.

Very difficult situation, sorry OP.

"You say that like it's a bad thing"

The whole point of insults is to offend the person you're aiming the insult at. Be honest, what were your own insults like when you were her age? I suspect nowhere near as mature and inoffensive as they are now.

Explain when she's not angry, and explain every time. The lesson will start to sink in but be prepared for it to take a while.

Been thinking about this thread. My kid no longer calls me names (to my face) but she speculates out loud about my mental health. Water off a duck's back. I suspect if me and her dad were separated she'd be over his like a flash. She just ignores him or brushes him off if he asks her to do something she doesn't want. She will more usually do what I tell her, I'm not sure why, I'm no disciplinarian.

Maybe your daughter, maybe you know how to push each other's buttons? Obviously, I don't know. I suspect she uses those words because she wants to get a rise out of you. That's why my first post was suggesting you change your reaction to them, as that's what you can control. You have less control over your daughter's behaviour.

Dogs are awesome, and female dogs won't try to shag your leg! So they're even more awesome.

All the best to both of you. If my posts are ill informed (they probably are), ill judged (ditto) or anything else bad, you have my unreserved apologies.

It really is one of the nastier insults. But I think trying to get rid of nasty insults is probably hopeless, they exist because there are times when they describe someone accuratly.

But in terms of daughters using it for their mothers, there are generally two possibilities. One is because they have no sense of proportion and think it's true. Another is to get a rise out of mum. The response might be different to these but either way I think being very nonplussed is important.

The one ... who decided her abusive dad was the better parent.

Disclaimer: this might be nonsense but it reflects comments I have heard from women who grew up in difficult situations.

I would take into account both her age and this information about her dad.

She is trying to push boundaries. You are probably her actual safer parent, she knows her dad can't be trusted to be safe if pushed so she has to appease him. Hence, he is the "better parent", she is aligning herself with the bully for safety.

I would probably find a short sentence such as "I need you to speak to me politely, thank you" which you repeat every time she says it. Then move on, so she doesn't get actual attention for it. Practice also not rising to the teenage huffing and puffing/ annoying body language.

She'll grow through it and hopefully your relationship will survive intact.

Oh OP that's hard and likely she calls you a bitch because of her dad's influence?

I say "it is ridiculous to use gender based insults, especially the cross-species ones" and suggest "fucker" as a generic, gender-neutral abusive term of choice.

It's not perfect, but if someone is resorting to calling you a bitch or the c-word you sometimes have to sink right down to their level.

sorry posted too early. I agree that you need to get her to stop insulting you. How often do you see her? Can you just stop doing the good things for her when she insults you?

Or embrace it. I like pp comment about how awesome dogs are. Ask her what she would like you to call her when you're cross and want to give her a bit of an insult? That is what i did with one of my offspring. I just said "i prefer that you don't insult me but fair's fair, let's pick a word i can use on you". We never did pick a word and i wouldn't have used one anyway but it did give the little pest (16 or 17 at the time) pause for though. We have always had a really good open relationship though.

In the case of a 15 yo with an abusive dad, "I know that's coming from trauma so I'm choosing not to react".

Anyone else, "your misogyny is showing, genius" or similar.