Anyone know a support group for parents of trans kids (not Mermaids)

[Nightmare2022]

I have a child that is identifying as non-binary. This child is also diagnosed as autistic and suffers from depression and anxiety. They have struggled all their life to maintain friendships. They watch a lot of on-line content from other young people about how being trans and changing their bodies, taking cross sex hormones, etc has made them so happy, etc. If we try to express any questioning view to our child we are called transphobic and it quickly descends into an argument. We have been supportive and the given name has been changed to a gender neutral name and we try to avoid the use of pronouns at all.

Any time I ask for support I get referred to Mermaids. I have looked at their site and they are pushing the same unquestioning attitude I want to challenge. Does anyone know if there are any support groups for parents that offer a more nuanced view than Mermaids?

Bayswater Support.
good luck x

I would be extremely cautious about any support group for ‘trans kids’. It’s very unlikely any such group will have been set up without the intention or practice of affirming the child’s ‘identity’. Sorry you are going through this.

Age matters. How old is your child?

But I could be wrong (see Bayswater recommendation?).

Here’s their website
www.bayswatersupport.org.uk

transgender trend may have some helpful resources too
www.transgendertrend.com

The thing about Mermaids though is that 60% of their service users do not go on to transition. Its not a factory turning out trans people. A fact that most on these boards would like to keep a secret.

Bayswater Support Group.

www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

We offer parents whose children have a transgender identity somewhere to talk, share and be understood.

We are wary of medical solutions to gender dysphoria, when exploring gender roles is part of normal child development.

What a peculiar post.
A parent is seeking mutual parental support and advice because they have a distressed child. They have found Mermaids’ support unhelpful. Your ‘facts’ don’t change that.

Mermaids assume that children who are unhappy with stereotypes or the changes which happen at puberty are 'trans', rather than just going through normal stages of development. This is an ideological viewpoint not grounded in reality.

Please provide evidence that 60% of their users don't transition (including social transition, which the Cass review states is an intervention and not a neutral act). And if 60% don't transition, then 40% do. What would that percentage be if they contacted a more neutral organisation rather than one which is keen to promote the idea of trans children?

one of the first ones I came across five years ago was the online gendercriticalresources.com/Support/
It has tonnes of information and support tips. It’s been a while since I visited and it was mostly for myself as an adult in contact with a ROGD group of girls. Now in very different places.
good luck 💐

Genspect are very parent oriented. Lots of parent input about how they have dealt with children questioning their gender. I’d have a look at their website first.

so do you have any other recommendations?

like the OP is asking for

I think you should try to use accurate descriptions when not talking directly to them. So for example in your post, you do not say daughter or son. So if you have been influenced to this extent, how can a confused child possibly not be? It is really difficult and there are many stories here that show what you are up against. I would have thought clear language is really important especially with children with autism . Arguments with teenagers are pretty inevitable and clear lines and limits are important . Social media is especially damaging and perhaps you need to put controls on, with you in the room etc. you don’t state the age or sex of your child but perhaps it makes a difference as to how to respond… there are different issues to take into account. Many young people change their minds on this later. There are videos and articles written by de transitioned young people which talk about the harm that has been done to them. There are probably several parents near you who are trying to deal with this…think about ways of connecting with them. You are not alone. Ps. There is no such thing as a trans kid.

Child is now 16. Has been identifying as non-binary for about 18 months.

Disgusted your agenda is showing.

So only 40% of the anxious, confused, possibly ASD children start taking drugs which can lead to reduced brain development, shortness of stature, osteoporosis, vaginal atrophy…….

Well, that’s really good news Disgusted, thanks for sharing.

Wow! So 40% do. That's a huge number. Way more than the proportion who question then desist. Thanks for the sunlight DoM.

If anyone here wants an insight into the agenda of DisgustedofManchester, have a look of their posting on another thread on this board this morning, about a father and his access to his children.

I would question the 60% stat as according to the 2019 report by the National Lottery on concerns raised about Mermaids:

”There appears to be a significant difference in the longer-term outcomes for children who use the services offered by Mermaids as opposed to those of the GIDS service and some of the figures suggested in the research. Mermaids say that the vast majority of young people they see will continue with their gender reassignment process whilst the GIDS outcomes appear to be the opposite.”

(page 16 here: www.tnlcommunityfund.org.uk/media/documents/Mermaids-UK-Review-Report_February-2019.pdf?mtime=20190219142027&focal=none )

I would not describe 40% as a “vast majority”.

Also, two paragraphs down, the National Lotter said:

”Mermaids should work with an academic partner/evaluator to explore the reasons why their longer term outcomes may differ from other services such as the Tavistock. The findings of this should form part of the Big Lottery Fund grant management activity.”

I would suggest that disgusted is being a tad misleading with their 69% statistic unless disgusted has evidence to show very recent changes to the outcomes of children currently using Mermaids’ services.

www.allsortsyouth.org.uk/

All sorts share the same pro-affirmation view that Mermaids do.

Thank you. I had a quick look at the site and this looks like exactly what I am looking for.

Thank you for recommending this site. It does look helpful as does Transgender trend recommended by @SorryAuntLydia

Thank you. Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria seems to describe my child’s experience exactly.

There are two basic approaches

1. Affirmation: Mermaids and most LGB and TQ plus organisations
2. Watchful waiting: Transgender Trend, Bayswater, Genspect.

I would be very wary of your child's online activity. I recently had the opportunity to join a Genspect webinar with detransitioners. They all talked about the information they got online and the scripts they used to convince those around them that this was what they needed. (With autism you may have come across social stories, I guess this is a version of that!).

You may want to block certain sites though from what I listened to much was online forums and chat rooms. Are any of the friends in real life trans identified or non binary or is the influence online friends. Always useful to have a conversation about internet safety and grooming. It is possible to buy testosterone online if you are determined enough so if they have their own money they can get it delivered to friend's houses. The same with binders. In my opinion there is no safe way to bind. You should get good information from the charities mentioned.

Can you explore gender stereotypes with your child? Smashing gender stereotypes is much more rebellious than conforming to them like how it was in the 80s. I find it really sad that liking pink and sparkles and having long hair means you are a girl and having short hair and liking blue and football means you are a boy.

Opting out of being a woman is another discussion you may want to have (assuming we are talking about a daughter). Non binary is not gender neutral it is the default male of humans. Why is it that non binary means being male?

I think leaving the door open in terms of changing their mind and saying that is okay may help. Being autistic complicates things as the fixation and thoroughness to achieving the goal may become an obsession. Also black and white thinking can impact the logic so if a girl wants short hair due to sensory issues it is now seen as a sign that they must be a boy. The same with sexuality, if a girl likes others girls they may think they should be boys instead of lesbians.

If your child masks due to their autism this can really hamper their sense of identity and then along come gender identity and suddenly they feel everything is explained. Understanding masking may help you and your child.

I wish you the best and hope you get the support you need and your child can come through this.

Thank you @FemaleAndLearning - that is very helpful and, in my view, you have accurately described what is going on with my child in terms of autism and gender.