Daughter thinks she's a boy

[SwordOfOmens]

My Daughter is twelve years old and has been in a state for about 3 years now. She was bullied at school but also I think she did a fair amount of bullying too by all accounts. She lies, steals and doesn't seem to exhibit many caring or empathic behaviours.

During lockdown she became very isolated and puberty hit her hard. She had no real life friends and relied on the kids she knew online through Roblox.

As a mother, I tried to help her in a variety of ways including getting help from Bernardos for support classes, a child therapist, talking to her, booking a trip to Disneyland, even offering to homeschool her instead because she hated school so much. She rejected all offers of help and in fact, got so angry with my "interference" she went to her dad's and never came back. This was 12 months ago. I don't trust my ex AT ALL. He was a cruel, gaslighting, abusive and controlling man who presented an image of "fun guy" to everyone in public. She prefers his company to mine however.

She had a therapist for 6 weeks which I paid for privately who said she wouldn't open up and to her, seemed fine. We started to get really concerned for her state of mind when we discovered she had started writing stories online with themes of rape, incest, self harm and suicide. We immediately thought she was being groomed and contacted the police. It turned out she had a friend online who just felt the same as her and they roleplayed with each other with these characters.

She started self harm late 2020, while living with her dad and this is still going on now. She mainly does it at school. I have been asking the school about an autism assessment FOR YEARS and get constantly fobbed off. My daughter is angry I have suggested she may be on the spectrum and doesn't like the label. However, I would at least like it to be ruled out. In my view, she has a few traits, such as getting over stimulated, misjudging social interactions, obsessive interests, food aversions etc.

I have been working my damndest to help my daughter but my ex has been blocking me from meetings with the school, the school themselves have not been even inviting me to meetings despite me telling them over and over again I want to be involved. This in turn has caused my daughter to feel I don't care and I'm not there for her. When the opposite is true.

Then yesterday, I got a phone call from my ex to say she has self harmed again (cutting) at school and that she wants to tell me a big secret. This secret is that she is thinking she is a boy and wants to be called by a different name from now on and I should support her choices. Her dad has also bought her a chest binder.

I need help. Everything online seems to be about affirming her "gender". But how can a seriously ill child be making healthy, rational choices for herself? She cannot possibly consent to this. She said that I shouldn't worry because testosterone drugs wouldn't start until she is 16 and surgery is at 18 and I should be supporting her choices.

I suspect the school have known about this for a while and refused to tell me, seeing as they've been blocking me with everything else too and now got this huge bombshell dropped in my lap.

I feel like my child is being groomed by her dad and her other care givers and I am powerless to help her. Have I lost my daughter for good?

I think there is a thread for people who have DDs who suddenly decide to be boys, but your situation sounds as if that's just a small part of what is going on. It sounds so tough though, hugs.

I wouldn't fight this, not if it risks losing her altogether. I would focus entirely on fixing your relationship and increasing the time you spend together. She sounds extremely vulnerable to on-line influences and there is an army of people out there who will be telling her to never see you again, if you don't use her new name/pronouns.

There is something going on though, don't let the school fob you off with this "solution" for the bullying and self harm.

When she's with you, make it as low stress as possible. If you suspect ASD, low stress might mean something different than you expect. My ASD DD can't handle making choices. Honestly, if I had a box of 5 cakes and one bit of broccoli, she would be happier with the broccoli than having to pick which cake. Perhaps your help (or the way you offered it) just felt to her like responsibility.

I am so sorry- you've gotten no help from the school or her father. Chest binding is dangerous and while no adult woman should do it, it's particularly bad for a girl who is going through puberty and breast development.

You are not alone, however. There are support groups of parents just like you that include: https://www.transgendertrend.com/

https://genspect.org/

https://pitt.substack.com/

Good luck to you. You haven't lost her yet.
There are success stories-my friend refused pronouns and binders and went overboard scheduling her daughters life away from the internet and toxic friend groups. She's now 18 and accepts she's a girl.

One more group! go.mumsnet.com/?xs=1&id=470X1554755&url=bayswatersupport.org.uk/

SomePosters
I'm sorry about your friend But I would point out that the Samaritans repeatedly ask people to discuss suicide responsibly. They have quite extensive guidelines about it and it would be great if trans activists respected them. Below is one of their guidelines that you can find here:

www.samaritans.org/about-samaritans/media-guidelines/

Speculation about the ‘trigger’ or cause of a suicide can oversimplify the issue and should be avoided. Suicide is extremely complex and most of the time there is no single event or factor that leads someone to take their own life

It's a dreadful thing to threaten a parent worried about their child that their child will kill themselves if they don't "respect their chosen pronouns"
Countless parents of self harmers, anorexics, self sabotagers love their children unconditionally. It doesn't mean they go along with all their vulnerable child's actions. Tough love is a key part of parenting, as is spotting dodgy influences and finding the courage to say no.

Regardless of what your childs mental health issues are refusing to listen and accept them will not bring you closer.

Going forward I will only be responding if it’s the op so don’t waste your time tagging me.

It sounds like an extension of the mental health issues. Similar situation with my DS's friend. His friend (male, 13yo) was self harming. He seemed to want other children to see the cuts as he showed DS. Anyway, a few months on he's decided he's a girl now and they are calling him by a different name etc. I feel for him mentally, I really do. I don't have advice except to be there for your daughter and hope she grows out of it. I think there's a big attention) cry for love thing in there so the less of a big deal it is and the more attention you give her/ him in other areas the more likely it is to run its course.

Gosh, OP. I hope you are okay.

Have I lost my daughter for good?

No. Good links above; look there for information.

Be wary of people who try to panic or pressurise you with scare stories - you and your child are individuals who need good professional help. It sounds like a complex situation, and you may need input from several professionals. Legal, medical, social, etc. There are good therapists out there.

Your DDs school should be informing you as much as they inform her father - I presume you share custody? Put your concerns in writing. Can you contact her HOY? Get everything recorded, in writing. If they don't step up, contact local councillors, MP.

"Do what I want or I'll kill myself" is not the right basis on which to be committing to a social and medical pathway that will create a life-long dependence on hormones and surgery.

OP - I hope you've found some of the links upthread useful. Your daughter's situation sounds complex with a number of issues where she needs support. Hopefully you and the adults around her will ensure she gets support for all of them and not let her confusion about her sex obscure her other emotional needs.The organisations mentioned above can all advise about that.

@SomePosters

Message deleted by MNHQ as it mentions suicide in a way that is against Suicide guidelines and is not in the spirit of Mumsnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Thank you, Mumsnet! It's really important that people treat this serious subject with care and proper respect.

That is very sad Some Poster
However, the psychology around self harm and suicide is often very different. Many people who self harm have no suicidal intent and it often represents an attempt at manifesting physically the person’s emotional distress; a learnt response in which someone has learnt that only dramatic actions gain attention, for example in a history of neglect or because the adrenaline surge creating a physical sense of release. That’s not to say that people who self harm don’t end their lives, and some do so when self harm goes wrong but self harm does not equate to suicidal intent.

Your daughter is clearly hugely troubled OP and very vulnerable. She does need to know you love her unconditionally but that is not the same as agreeing everything she does is a good thing and to be affirmed.