Man tries to exploit surrogacy arrangement to have sex with his wife's sister

[PurgatoryOfPotholes]

This is a thread trending on reddit currently. I think this is what is known as "taking another mile after someone offers you one mile". A couple are experiencing infertility issues, and the woman's sister has offered to act as a surrogate mother using IVF. The man now feels entitled to demand to stick his penis in the sister directly to save money on IVF. No-one has told the sister yet.

This is another example of how "altruistic" surrogacy is not necessarily non-coercive.

extract

My husband is pushing me to agree to make my sister our surrogate using the traditional way.

My husband and I have been struggling with infirtility , We've tried some options and right now we're looking into Surrogacy, My sister agreed to do it but my husband said he looked at how much time and money IVF would take and slowly started hinting that we take the traditional way. I was too shocked to even say anything but he acted like what he said was not even that big of a deal. He explained that it's just a quick way for us to have a baby and spare the money and time to use later. I'm 100 percent against it, that is way I'm backing down and am no longer comfortable with this whole surrogacy route...I can't even imagine my sister's reaction once she hears my husband's suggestion. I'm both devastated over the fact that 1, he'd even entertain having sex with my sister just because he wants the easy way and 2, if I ever agree despite feeling unconfortable then I will always carry this memory of how the baby is conceived. I refused and shut his suggestion down hard. He's now started guilting me saying I don't trust him then saying I'm selfish for choosing to back out when he still wants to be a dad like he expected when he married me. Basically blaming me for my infirtility issues.

I feel so devasted and like my body is useless and has failed me to the point where I could expect any negative comment on it wether true on not. emotionally and mentally... I just can't express how I feel right now.

by the way my sister is 4 years younger than me. I'm 34 years old and my husband is 37.

Gross

I wonder if he thinks the sister gets a say.

Shocking, but not surprising.

If women are resources for men to extract rather than entire human beings in their own right, some men will have no qualms about extracting those resources however seems most efficient (and sexy, of course) to them.

This isn’t about surrogacy. This is about an abusive relationship. This is why women need to be more picky and not marry dickheads.

@WouldIwasShookspeared

Gross

I wonder if he thinks the sister gets a say.

I'm not sure either of them think she does.

The OP is wondering how she would feel about a baby conceived after her husband shagged her sister, as if it's a realistic possibility that her sister won't withdraw the offer.

You know, I don't approve of this, but I do think in a certain way it's more honest about the intimacy of the whole thing.

You can have the man masturbate in a cup, eggs harvested in a tech who then implants the embryo, but it's still sexual reproduction with a brother-in-law and a sister. And maybe there is a reason we don't (unlike some societies) have marriages of that kind.

Sorry to be light hearted but he obviously isn’t aware of the turkey baster method. Avoids costly IVF and no need for his “selfless sacrifice”to sleep with his SIL . 😂

@GinPalace2

Sorry to be light hearted but he obviously isn’t aware of the turkey baster method. Avoids costly IVF and no need for his “selfless sacrifice”to sleep with his SIL . 😂

Unless its his fertility that's the problem all along (which if they haven't investigated properly and given the comparative ages its quite likely to be...)

Reminds me of that storyline in the American Shameless where he had sex with his MIL with his wife watching so they could have a baby.

I'm not on reddit but I do hope posters are telling her to LTB.

At 34 depending on her fertility issues she might yet be able to find a decent man and have a baby.

It's a difficult area to research and RCT's would not be possible for ethical reasons but I believe there is much anecdotal evidence of unexplained infertility (which is a sizeable proportion of all infertility) being miraculously cured when a woman has an affair or finds a new partner.

This clown just assumes his wife’s sister would go along with this. What a pig.

Not only would I back out of Ivf with this asshole, I would consider divorce.. no decent man would even suggest bedding his sister in law for any reason. And to make it seem like he is doing the wide a favour.

This man’s bloodline needs to end with him. Seriously.. these disgusting men don’t deserve children nor access to a woman’s vagina under any circumstances.

Nice of @Ozanj to blame the wife and say that she i tentionally chose to marry a dickhead.

I wouldn't be seeing a family lawyer for a surrogacy contract, I'd be seeing a one for a divorce.

I'd like to say I'm surprised but I've seen a story, also on Reddit, where the BIL thought he could stop his pregnant SIL kissing her boyfriend.

This 'natural insemination' to save money and his follow up reaction of indignation is really just an example of how surrogacy is, in part, connected to the Men's Rights Movement.

As PP says, he wasn't asking the sister, once she offered herself up for the pregnancy and birth he thought he had ownership of her. He sounds like the type to want to be on the business end of seeing the baby being born, he would probably watch her pump milk to check she was doing it right. I doubt what the sister wants would come into it.

It doesn't even sound like the sister offered to be a surrogate. It's been worded as she agreed.

@WildPoinsettia

It doesn't even sound like the sister offered to be a surrogate. It's been worded as she agreed.

Blimey, you're right. The couple proposed it to the sister, didn't they? How free did she feel to refuse?!

And now they're going to inform her that the bloke expects to shag her until she gets pregnant.

@GinPalace2

Sorry to be light hearted but he obviously isn’t aware of the turkey baster method. Avoids costly IVF and no need for his “selfless sacrifice”to sleep with his SIL . 😂

I'm in no way defending this vile man but I suspect he is also expecting to use the egg from his SIL. It could be that this is happening as part of the agreement anyway but that she is very much expecting that to take place at the clinic. Or maybe the wife has had her eggs harvested and frozen? It's not specified.

Agreeing to shooting your BIL's sperm up your vagina is quite different to a Dr implanting an embryo.

I agree that this man sounds ignorant and entitled, but he's not wrong it would save money, just that his moral compass is low to non existent and he wants to have sex with his SIL with his wife giving him a save money on IVF 'hall pass'. Love that he makes his wife feels bad by saying she obviously doesn't trust him. Nice manipulation there, with making her feel bad for her infertility on top. What a guy.

This isn't even surrogacy. This would be the sister giving her own baby up for adoption.

@ViceLikeBlip

This isn't even surrogacy. This would be the sister giving her own baby up for adoption.

All surrogacy is planned adoption really, regardless of whose genetically material is used to make an embryo that becomes a baby, biologically the child is the woman who carries and gives birth to he or she (or them), as pregnancy and birth are biological processes.

The only difference (in terms of process) with surrogacy and adoption is the route by which parental rights are given up and obtained and the detailed process to register and be accepted as adopting parents.

Agree with pps.

Does this delight of a man see the sister as getting any kind of say?

I won't say he sees her as a walking incubator, the justifications to get to shag her seems very much foremost in his mind.

And no, he's not bullying his wife for his right to be a father, he is bullying his wife to let him shag her sister. That's the goal. What will be left of his relationship when he's done, or how he envisages the child feeling about this in the future doesn't seem any interest to him at all.

I think the phrase I'm looking for is LTB. That woman needs to run. And gawd, it gets ever more illuminating and depressing just how vile some men are, how they see women as nothing more than resources, and how they will talk up a storm to make people do what they want while making it sound justifiable if not downright noble and definitely everyone else's fault in order to protect their dear little egos.

He's now started guilting me saying I don't trust him then saying I'm selfish for choosing to back out when he still wants to be a dad like he expected when he married me. Basically blaming me for my infirtility issues.

Assuming this is true - and you never know on Reddit - that is a top notch piece of gaslighting.

I bet he is telling his mates all about his silly wife is wasting so much money for nothing.

Well my jaw just well and truly dropped to the floor. Real life Handmaid's Tale. Run, run as fast as you can and don't look back!

a story, also on Reddit, where the BIL thought he could stop his pregnant SIL kissing her boyfriend I'm curious about this but maybe I'm better off not knowing.

This is gross!