abortion vs parenting

[annabanana011]

im 23, nine weeks pregnant with a guy i’ve known since highschool. Im successful for my age, almost done with school, I work at my family business, I am pursuing a medical career I have a big family with alot of support and his family is supportive. The problem is he is immature. I mean he is young like me and I know most guys are immature at this age, but he sleeps through the day, not productive, he works which is great and makes money (as a server), but has no car at the moment, no responsibilities/bills/priorities besides work. It scares me every single day wondering if hes the guy I want to have my first child with. I know he loves me and if I were to have a child at this point in my life I see it being with him, but I know thats becauses hes all I know. Im scared I’ll feel like I settled and am trading in what my life could be: being in love and crazy about someone who makes me feel productive and motivates me and makes me want to be more for myself for what it is with him and sure he will be there and supportive but not sure he will be a good partner to me or be the person I want to be with in life. I had two parents growing up and I want my kids to have the same and I know things dont always go that way, but Im scared. Its like I cant even be excited because I spend most of the time worried if it will be worth it or if it will work out or if I dont decide to be with him if it will be enough for me to give up that dream of raising kids/family with a person Im crazy about. I dont know what to do.. Im able to have this baby with or without him, Im stable enough and have enough support to be able to still do what I want to do in life, but I dont know. Im not sure if its better to wait while Im young and have time or do it because its happening already and the only reason I wouldnt is because of who I’m doing it with. Any words of wisdom/advice?

In these circumstances, I think you need to ask yourself, would you still want to go ahead with the pregnancy, if you were a single mum?

You and your partner are still quite young. You are clearly having doubts. I'd go with your instincts.

@MintJulia

In these circumstances, I think you need to ask yourself, would you still want to go ahead with the pregnancy, if you were a single mum?

You and your partner are still quite young. You are clearly having doubts. I'd go with your instincts.

I dont know. I think if I were a single mom I wouldnt do it atall and abortion would be easy to decide. Thats what sucks is that he will be there and involved but-is it enough? I dont know. Im not even sure what my instincts are either because being pregnant Im so emotional about it and I feel like its clouding my judgment.

Just stopping by to say that from personal experience, having a baby can be the absolute making of a man. At 23, a lot of young men are directionless and lack motivation. Having a baby can really give somebody the focus and drive they need to make something of themselves. In my case, DH spend several years re-training into a grear profession and is currently comfortably able to support us all, after years of drifting between low paid jobs pre-children while I was working in a demanding career. I'm not suggesting this will be the outcome for you, but just giving my personal experience

Ask yourself:

• has he the ability to step up and take responsibility?
• what to consider when being a single mum
• if he isn't the one, why are you together?

@Catch32

Just stopping by to say that from personal experience, having a baby can be the absolute making of a man. At 23, a lot of young men are directionless and lack motivation. Having a baby can really give somebody the focus and drive they need to make something of themselves. In my case, DH spend several years re-training into a grear profession and is currently comfortably able to support us all, after years of drifting between low paid jobs pre-children while I was working in a demanding career. I'm not suggesting this will be the outcome for you, but just giving my personal experience

Thank you. That actually did make me feel alot better. I appreciate your point of view. Also what is DH?

DH = dear husband. Apologies if you already knew that and were actually asking what he did for a living etc.

If he knows you are pregnant and hasn't already stepped up, then don't rely on him stepping up after the baby arrives.

I dont know what the laws are where you live so you'll need to check, but if you decide to go ahead then consider not putting his name on the birth certificate, so if it doesnt work out your arent tied to him. If he gets his act together you can always add him later.

My advice to my younger self would be 'don't settle'.

Catch32: "Just stopping by to say that from personal experience, having a baby can be the absolute making of a man. At 23, a lot of young men are directionless and lack motivation. Having a baby can really give somebody the focus and drive they need to make something of themselves."

Thelnebriati: "If he knows you are pregnant and hasn't already stepped up, then don't rely on him stepping up after the baby arrives."

Two very different perspectives. I'm happy for Catch32, but I'm pretty sure TheInebriati*'s point is true more often than not. And I'm frankly uncomfortable with the idea that the responsibility to "really give [a man] the focus and drive they need to make something of themselves" lies with the woman. If a man doesn't already have that drive, I don't see it materialising from nowhere. And let's face it - you've already sussed that he does not have that drive.

Personally, I would not hang my future on the faint hope of my partner miraculously 'stepping up'. It's the biggest of gambles.

In your position I would have an abortion, ditch him and pursue my medical career.

At 23 you have a a lot time time to find someone better than this guy. If you want to become a single mother and have family support that truly will be there for you in the middle of the night when the baby won't stop crying and you have an exam the next day then that's amazing (and rare), and I would wish you the very best of luck. Many single mothers are happy not to have a partner who you have to share parenting decisions with but you have the burden of 100% of the responsibilities too, and it goes beyond 18 years.

Having an abortion was one of the best decisions I ever made and I was around the same age as you but without the drive of such a high pressure career prospects ahead of me. I feel lucky and grateful to have been able to access a safe one very easily.

Its difficlt to know how to advise as no one can know a) if this guy is going to turn out ok b) if you will meet someone better.
You sound like you are having many doubts about your relationship, is there anyone in real life yo can talk to?

Assuming you're in the UK, BPAS offer free pregnancy counselling. You may also be able to rapidly access counselling through your university or work (sorry, not clear if you're qualified or not).

Either way, this is a life changing decision. I can tell you what I would do, but that's irrelevant. What matters is what's right for you. A session or two talking it over with an independant ear may well be valuable in shaping that decision.

"it's not what you like about him that matters. Its what you don't like, because it will never change"

That's what my grandma told me on my engagement.

She was right.

You do not have to have a baby with this man. I you want a baby on your own, great, good for you. I don't think there is a third option for you here, and I'm sorry about that. Agree, you might be wise to chat with a 3rd party and figure out what you actually want.

Best of luck, you sound like you will be fine.

This should be a really happy time for you, other than the physical symptoms of pregnancy.

Instead, you are plagued by uncertainty. Assume now that you will be a single parent and that he isn't going to step up.

I don't know his feelings on termination and they're mostly not relevant, but he presumably knows you are pregnant and that abortion is a thing that exists. I bring this up because many men who turn out to be useless fathers longterm (as in, for the bulk of a child's childhood) do manage to fake commitment and willingness to parent in the short-term, during the pregnancy. (When they don't actually have to do anything because your body is doing it all!)

He's not managing to make you reassured now! So assume he will not adjust his life to take care of a baby, and that you will be on your own.