Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Flip

1 2

Original poster

DH called me transphobic

45 replies

JesusCrumbsSuperStar · 21/12/2021 20:18

That's it, he called me transphobic. Why? Because I voiced my concern for a relative who is trans and going down the route of surgery. I can't voice these concerns in my own home anymore, apparently.

Very close relative (I don't want to disclose relation or gender) has told us they are proceeding with surgery. This individual is a young adult who is not employed, in education or currently even leaving the house. Infact, they refuse to pursue anything other than gaming and use of the internet. Parents of individual are being manipulated, IMO. 'I need x surgery or I will kill myself' 'I can't get a job until it happens or I will kill myself'. This is what I have issue with, I am not being transphobic. I'm deeply concerned that the only coping mechanism this person has is an online community of like minded people, possibly encouraging this approach? My DH told me to stop referring to this as demanding and manipulative and see it as a necessity. Ffs, I have 3 children. Our parenting values don't align anymore, clearly, but that's another issue. JK Rowling is an absolute no no in the household this individual lives in. Censored I am going to say. I have always whole heartedly agreed with JKR and have been horrified by the harassment and abuse she receives.

I'm scared of the world my children are growing up in, I'm worried my DH will give in to similar demands if such issues arise within our immediate family without enforcing and encouraging any other routine/education/employment or activity that doesn't please our children and what they think is best for them at that time. Trans relative is an adult but is a dependent and doesn't seem to think adult life is an option until surgery happens.

Apologies for the lack of information and if this is not a well placed thread. I guess I've come to an online forum for support, which maybe stinks of hypocrisy as I criticise somebody else for doing the same but I'm being silenced in my own home and I don't like it.

OP posts:

Theunamedcat · 26/12/2021 09:37

Surgery on suicidal people is unethical surely? I mean you wouldn't chop off someone's hand or leg because they demanded it or else would you?

PermanentTemporary · 26/12/2021 09:41

The line that the problem is not showing up in statistics is a little disingenuous, given the brutal fights to undermine accurate statistics on sex at every turn.

PermanentTemporary · 26/12/2021 09:42

Wrong thread sorry!

Triphazards · 26/12/2021 10:35

You can try to inspire your own kids you be something more.

Triphazards · 26/12/2021 11:16

@Triphazards

You can try to inspire your own kids you be something more.

"To be!"

RedToothBrush · 26/12/2021 11:27

How is safeguarding transphobic?

Ask him why he thinks strangers on the Internet are a safe place for a vulnerable person and what safeguards there are for this situation.

OhHolyJesus · 26/12/2021 11:33

So sorry OP, this is particularly hard as you have both the worry for your relative and decisions and actions being taken there as well as your own DH essentially misunderstanding these concerns.

If you can, I would also advise that you step back from the relative and process these comments from your DH. I tried to convince my Be Kind DH and 'win him over', sharing links and articles and my arguments. It didn't work, so I left it for a while and he came to his own conclusion which happened to match mine, it just took him longer.

It was tense for a time and it's not entirely without issue now, but it was exhausting and I hope you can find a way through this and come to some kind of an understanding. It's really tough. It was sport and kids being experimented on that finally got him there, sport in particular (which I think most men get even if not a sports fan). At least you know you're not alone in your situation.

MonsignorMirth · 26/12/2021 11:36

Personally, if you subscribe to the current view of transgenderism that any type of body can "house" any type of gender, and that one's physical sex is entirely separate from your innate gender which is about who you feel you are....

I don't see how surgically altering oneself doesn't massively contradict this.

Might it be worth trying to unpick this to see what your DH's view is?

MonsignorMirth · 26/12/2021 11:38

And yes obviously if they are suicidal that's the emergency, not trying to guess what kind of cosmetic changes might be "the cause".

Theunamedcat · 26/12/2021 11:44

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_integrity_dysphoria

Ionlydomassiveones · 26/12/2021 11:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Theunamedcat · 26/12/2021 12:03

Upon closer reading the guidelines I managed to dig up on the Internet were for American surgeons dealing with a patient who may be suicidal the reccomend course of action is transferring them to mental health care not chop bits off and try to resolve it that way

IvyTwines · 26/12/2021 12:18

What does your husband think the role of a parent is? To guide, care and teach, with the benefit of years more lived experience, or give in to any demand their child makes, like a human Alexa? In this case, the child's demands are extreme, with lifelong consequences, and of a nature that has only arisen in the last few years. What does your husband think this child's adult life will be like in 5, 10, 20 years time, their chances of future relationships, of having a family of their own?

LaChanticleer · 26/12/2021 13:05

@JesusCrumbsSuperStar huge sympathies. I'm processing a similar situation in my extended family. Young person on lifelong medication since just 17, and major surgery at 18. Person'r mother a huge cheerleader and facebook activist on the topic (I suspect a form of Munchhausen's, but hey ho). I could cry.

I'm now trying to process the introduction of their partner (on Christmas Day) - so what looks like a gay couple is actually a straight couple. My commitment to gay rights to same-sex attraction is severely tested by this ...

Yet this young person seems far happier in this role, and settled. So I need to just shut up.

I have two young trans friends and I can both support their requests re name and pronouns while privately disagreeing that they are anything other than the sex they were born, and being desperately worried about such young people permanently medicalising themselves in a way that is sold, God help us, as 'healthy'. My views are not required and the only thing they ask of me is pronouns. It's taken a while to think through that but my wish to treat them as they want to be treated leads me to that conclusion.

Thank you for writing this @PermanentTemporary - it's helping me think through a situation in my own life.

I'm trying to sort out my personal reaction to the people & situation in front of me - happy this person is happy - but really really angry about the political bollocks being spouted about the whole trans ideology.

The crunch comes when that political sloganeering is present in family gatherings, conversations etc. I have to say something mild, or shut up completely because I don't want to lose contact with a whole slice of family (who I assume would choose this relative over me, and I know why of course).

I realised that the younger generation's judgements of the quite mild things I might say really sting - because actually they have very little idea of my own long career of feminist activism. They think I don't know what I"m talking about, whereas I know far more than them about the construction of their own politics.

Yet because I want to preserve family connections - these are valuable to me - I shut up ...

Argh.

It's making me also wish that I had been kinder to my parents in establishing my own political views!

Grateful for any words of wisdom from the lovely FWR vipers (long-time poster - NC for this)

LaChanticleer · 26/12/2021 13:10

And thanks for starting this thread - I was actually coming in here - and NCing - to ask a very similar question.

My added concern is this new relationship. If someone calls them gay, I may hot the roof - although probably, I'll just leave the room or change the subject ...

DodoPatrol · 26/12/2021 13:16

Situation is so very similar here, Chanticleer, right down to the opposite-sex 'gay' relationship, that I'm wondering if we're part of the same (large) extended family.

Probably not.

LaChanticleer · 26/12/2021 13:25

Probably not - I think the rest of my family are all a bit cheer leading - or certainly not so concerned as I am. Or maybe they feel like me that they want to preserve contact. There's one family member who understands my position, but is less concerned. I'd be relieved to hear I'm not the only one who's concerned.

I suspect it's a generational thing in many affluent western families. Because after all, who in poverty-stricken families, or the under-developed global South, has the luxury of extremist trans identity politics? Unnecessary major surgery and lifelong medication?

I suppose what also concerns me in the larger picture (I teach in this area) is that in accepting these situations in personal terms, but maintaining a much tougher general political analysis, the whole thing spreads without apparent opposition.

I'd be interested in how @PermanentTemporary squares that circle.

I just keep telling myself, Oh well, they're happy, and it's none of my business.

Except ... the fundamental undermining of sexed bodies as a political category, and the fundamental understanding of same sex relationships does have a deleterious effect on the society in which we live ...

gofigureit · 26/12/2021 15:00

My family had a discussion about the trans issue (not instigated by me) among 10 adults aged 35-50 all of them were GC.
These are ordinary metropolitan MC folk.
I was very pleasantly surprised and relived that they held similar views to me and were laughing about men getting 'women of the year awards' and not laughing about men robbing and injuring women in competitive sports.

We didn't talk about it for long, but the consensus was that there was a few very vocal and aggressive men pushing their own agenda/fetish and the rest of the world was crackers for letting them get away with it.

LaChanticleer · 28/12/2021 12:08

@gofigureit that is reassuring. But how do you think they'd have spoken if one of them had a young relative who declared that they were trans?

That's my dilemma - although I live far enough away that I rarely have to deal with the whole situation in person. And it's an in-law who is the cheerleader (it's as close to what's described as Munchhausens by proxy - which I always thought was a made up condition, until this all happened).

Warmduscher · 28/12/2021 12:16

@Cheshirewife

Hate to say it but, based on your description, your DH sounds more reasonable. This isn’t your battle so all you can do is support the family member once they’ve made their choice.

So you think doing nothing to support a relative who is refusing to engage with the outside world, gets all their information online, is refusing to get a job and is emotionally blackmailing his/her parents by threatening suicide if he/she doesn’t have surgery? You think the best course of action is to offer support after the event?

Good grief.

Flip

1 2