PARENT’S ADVICE
(@DoubleTweenQueen I saw your post on another thread, perhaps this will help)
twitter.com/HannahBerrelli/status/1460399160558030852
Thread by Hannah Berrelli @HannahBerrelli**
I have received several messages from parents (almost exclusively mothers) asking for advice about their teenage daughter’s identifying as trans or non binary. I am not a parent, or a psychologist, or really any body, but for future, this is my advice.
Your kid wants an identity away from you, they want to separate from you, this is a developmentally appropriate impulse that most adolescents have. Suffocating them, attempting to strengthen your relationship, or shoving radical feminism down their throat is not going to help.
Trans is the cultural language they have to articulate this impulse. It’s not too different from emo subculture, new atheism, or whatever other kind subculture is in vogue. My advice is to act like it’s boring (because it is).
Nothing your Mum suggests to you is cool at that age. She wants to separate from you. Encourage her in other activities that enrich that need for independence. Introduce her to Magdalen Bern’s YouTube, but don’t ask her opinion or force a conversation about it.
Be benignly indifferent. Do not engage. If forced, ask critical questions but do not be bothered by it. Your getting emotional about it will absolutely make it worse. It will give her fodder to complain to school counsellors and tumblr about
Feminism is not cool. Your daughter is living in a world where boys were watching violent pornography at 8 and 15 year olds are get lip fillers. She sees this as away to opt out of the incessant objectification and sexual harassment, it’s completely logical on some level.
She will likely drop it at some point, especially when she realizes it won’t get a reaction out of you. Encourage sport (especially if she is a lesbian), extra curricular activities, any way to build her self esteem a way from fucking Instagram.
If it comes to a head tell your daughter you didn’t think she was a conformist who would pick up the newest trendy thing without question. Tell her you know of 5 other girls who are doing it in her class, because you probably do.
At some point there may be a time where it begins to be a safeguarding concern. If she ever brings up medical transition, it’s time to go nuclear and take a way the internet. You pay for it, you can in fact take it a way.
And for God sake, do NOT facilitate her going to any trans meet ups where she will be around [BANNED WORD ON MUMSNET]. Mention to her that if she is ever in a situation where she feels unsafe or uncomfortable you will come pick her up, no questions asked. Follow up on that promise.
I know they are teaching this stuff in schools, but in my opinion schools to do very little to inform the psychology of their students. I went to a Christian school where homosexuality was a punishable offence yet here we are.
School counsellors would absolutely love to tell a story about dealing with a “transphobic” parent at a dinner party. Liberals absolutely love that shit. Again begin indifference. Tell them that they have to consult you before giving any medical advice to your child, and back off
Remind them of safeguarding legislation if and where it exists, but going apeshit at the school will absolutely encourage them to push this on your child further. Tell your kid that listening to school counsellors is what conformists do
Talk about your experiences as a woman. Talk about how your mother couldn’t open a bank account without your father’s permission when you were a kid. Talk about women in the third world. Plant seeds of doubt
I know it sucks that the solution involves more inaction than action. I can empathize with the feelings of powerlessness and worry. But please don’t push your daughter into the arms of these people by reacting the way she and her school want you to.