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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Am I being the selfish one

24 replies

happy20218 · 29/10/2021 23:19

Okay so my partner works very very hard he has his Own business . He's out the door at 6 and home around 5 . I also have my own business but I wfh whatever hours I want to be honest and I earn a good living ( he earns abit more ) he's a lovely guy but does nothing I ask . It's like me asking makes it something he just won't do and I'm starting to feel like a nag . He has three jobs ... the bins the dog poops and putting his washing away . It's a battle to get him to do this . He says he works longer hours and has a demanding job and as I have more spare time I should match his hours and do everything round the house too . What's your opinions? I'm sick of every time I ask him to do something there's a huff and a puff . It's actually driving me insane . Or is he right .

OP posts:
MajesticWhine · 29/10/2021 23:22

No he's not right. He sounds like an entitled sexist pig. But you might want to ask for this to moved to a different section ? eg relationships.

Original poster
happy20218 · 29/10/2021 23:28

@MajesticWhine he says he's working this hard for us and it will give us the life we want so I should support him by working as hard as him . Tbh I wouldn't want to work as hard as he does I built my business so I could have the extra time etc . How do I move it sorry I'm new to here

OP posts:
LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 29/10/2021 23:32

This would be a no from me.

My DH works long hours is a hard job. He does poop patrol, ironing, washing, unloading dishwasher, all the horribly annoying insurance renewals cleans the toilet and more

He does it because we are a team and he respects me and himself.

FlyingOink · 29/10/2021 23:36

he says he's working this hard for us and it will give us the life we want
Maybe the life you want is with someone who puts his own washing away?

FlyingOink · 29/10/2021 23:39

Imagine being an actual grown up and only having three very minor domestic tasks to do, with everything else sorted for you.
Envy

Original poster
happy20218 · 29/10/2021 23:41

@FlyingOink wouldn't that be the dream 😂🤦‍♀️😬

OP posts:
FlyingOink · 29/10/2021 23:43

Many single people work longer hours than your other half and have to maintain their own household. Or would he just live in a shit pit if he was on his own?

PickAChew · 29/10/2021 23:44

How much would he have to do if he was single and without children? He shouldn't be doing less than that.

FlyingOink · 29/10/2021 23:48

Yeah he doesn't sound like a lovely guy to me.

Unless you had previously agreed to do absolutely everything, and even then, you're allowed to change your mind. He goes to work, he's not paralysed. Most people go to work and put their bins out too, we're not superhuman for doing so.
And the huffing and puffing just means he thinks you're unreasonable, but he is expressing it in a shitty, passive-aggressive way.

He has some funny ideas, and sounds like an arse.

timeisnotaline · 29/10/2021 23:48

When mu now dh was about 20 he said he was doing something for us, and I said that’s bullshit really, you’d be doing it whether you’d ever met me or not. And that’s pretty much what I think most of the time when I hear the men who put all their time into work and tell their wife it’s for them. Do you think he’d not be working or doing 9-5 if you left op? Or is he pretending his passion and self centredness is generosity. You call his bluff, say this isn’t what you wanted from the marriage and you don’t need so much money, you want more time with him and a partner who contributes at home like you thought he would, and given it’s all for you he can relax and cut back now, you’re sorry he’s felt so pressured but really he doesn’t need to anymore.
Then I suspect you’ll see he’s full of shit.

TyneTeas · 29/10/2021 23:50

How many hours would it take him to do things if you didn't?

Do you work any hours fewer just to do household things that need to be done?

What is the balance of free hours between you if both work time and household tasks were taken into consideration?

FlyingOink · 29/10/2021 23:50

It's like he's reinforcing a contract you never signed, really.

Nellodee · 29/10/2021 23:51

Do you split the money evenly? Do you make decisions about work life balance evenly? It sounds as though he is unilaterally making decisions that affect you both. There is at the very least a discussion to be had. If you are putting in equal hours, then you absolutely should be reaping equal dividends. By the fact you speak of your business and his business, it sounds as though you are supporting him via household labour, but that the profits from this domestic work are going straight into his pockets, so to speak.

FlyingOink · 29/10/2021 23:52

@TyneTeas

How many hours would it take him to do things if you didn't?

Do you work any hours fewer just to do household things that need to be done?

What is the balance of free hours between you if both work time and household tasks were taken into consideration?

It's three things she's asking to be done, sounds like about an hour or two a week. Bins, dog shit and putting his clean washing away. Kids do more than that.
Kotatsu · 30/10/2021 08:29

Christ, there's a lot of this about recently - I've been shaking my head at more than one other thread (30 pages) of a woman who's livid because her husband does no childcare so she can't get back to work (there are other issues, but this isn't about that) - the sheer number of women basically telling her to put up and shut up, that single motherhood will be harder (reader, with a man like that, it really isn't), that she should just suck it up because he earns and is working long hours in a job that doesn't let him take time off...

I just want to scream at them that SHE WANTS TO WORK TOO She just wants a tiny slice of what he's hoarding all to himself, and they don't even think she should be allowed that.

Anyway OP. I've had the - but we would prefer to see you more and have a little less money/If you could be home more, I ramp up my work a bit and probably replace the money lost - and lets just say that it really was the beginning of the end - of me realising that we weren't a team, but more he thought I was his caddy. And life is better and easier without him.

PieMistee · 30/10/2021 08:34

You have entirely posted this in the right section as his entitlement comes from being a man. I left an ex for similar behaviour. It was the best feeling ever when he went as I realised he didn't view me as person but as a female who was there to wash his socks.

WarriorN · 30/10/2021 08:42

I tend to point out that if we ever spilt up, Dh would have to do everything himself and still work the hours he does.

Usually works.

He grew up in a very traditional family with a non working mother and very patriarchal father. This does impact I feel. I used to work longer hours than him and still did more daily housework.

WarriorN · 30/10/2021 08:43

Also, definitely get an expensive cleaner.

sashagabadon · 30/10/2021 08:50

I don’t think those are particularly long hours anyway? I am out by 6.30sm and home around 5 so almost the same and I would never claim to work “long hours”. I also have to blow dry my hair every morning so that adds 20 mins to my morning routine - my choice I suppose but I bet your dh doesn’t do that!
I also run a house and have 2 teen kids but I would never claim that I do more than anyone else also working full time.

Helleofabore · 30/10/2021 08:55

Oh happy you are in the right section really. This is a man child classic. If his only three ‘chores’ is bins, poop scooping and putting away ‘his’ own clean and folded clothes he is currently doing similar to my teen (who then offers to do plenty of other jobs voluntarily too). My young teen know this is part of the ‘team work’ to make the house run smoothly.

Not sure what your partner thinks would happen if you ramped up your business to be as many hours as his. Would he honestly change his attitude?

Maybe, maybe not. If you are not happy, changes are needed. You need to talk. And seriously, if all you are asking for is those three things, (and you haven’t got a cleaner you both pay for and you eat out/prepared meals) it sounds like you might need to add some other jobs. There is an inequity there.

Original poster
happy20218 · 30/10/2021 13:14

Hi everyone thank you so much . I thought I was starting to feel mental 😂, so he has a physical job outdoors and I get to work from home in my slippers . Sometimes I match what he earns and I think there's a slight bit of jealousy maybe . His Nan and the other ladies in his family do EVERYTHING for there partners . I also come from a family where my mom did everything for the men and I also resented this so I also think there's something deep rooted in me to say .... No hold on this isn't fair . He occasionally cooks but the finances the life admin etc , washing , shopping all falls down to me because they just wouldn't get done . I really do feel like I'm living with a teenager . He always moans about being tired but somehow isn't too tired to go boxing twice a week etc . I did get a cleaner but I still do another small clean once a week and the day to day cleaning as we have 2 dogs . I woke up to empty bins this morning after me telling him he is selfish and he needs to step up or I'm stepping out . I do not want the life my mother had just living to look after people xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
happy20218 · 30/10/2021 13:18

Excuse my spelling an grammar . I was typing whilst walking the dogs 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
happy20218 · 30/10/2021 13:18

And* ffs 🤦‍♀️😂

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/10/2021 13:36

Do you both get equal leisure time?

Is there an element he'd rather be at work and leaving all the "wifework" to you?

I would be enraged that all the mental load was one me and it would feel like living with a teenager and I was their Mum!

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