My husband was sexually abused by several priests between the ages of 5 - 15. We often have discussions about male sexual predators/male violence and just sort of muse about how it toxifies society and try and think of how it can be talked about, dealt with and healed from. One of the thoughts I have is that most people generally are decent enough, otherwise my neighbours would be trying to kill me when I walk out of the door each morning. Most of my male friends are thoughtful decent men, the majority of whom don't watch porn at this stage in their lives and have been turned off by what they see as the violence inherent within it - these men are mostly in their late 40's and 50's now, in long term relationships, have young daughters, and we talk openly about our mental health. A couple of others have been abused as children. All the men who have been abused have also been suicidal.
Something we have discussed more recently is the "not all men" stuff... and these men have said to me how ridiculous they find it that men need to do that. My male friends don't tend to get defensive like that - maybe because they've been abused themselves they understand that there is a difference between decent people and predatory people.
One of them said to me this week "Predatory men exist, they exist in every group of people where they see safeguarding as having weak points. They will groom other men using violent porn, or a culture of disrespect, or straight up coercive behaviour. In this way, they can get other guys to look the other way. Giving an example of violent porn (distinct from just an adolescent curiosity about naked women) when boys at school see abusive porn and then share it - they are firstly being abused by what they are seeing and then secondly sharing that abusing others by sharing it. It seems innocent to them at that age (10,12) but it isn't. Later in groups of men, this behaviour becomes normalised but it's all been spread out from a predatory man to begin with - somewhere - either disseminating this material or the behaviours around it." He went on to say this is what he saw in the setting he was abused in which was the Scouts. My partner agreed as it was the same with clergy abuse and now of course we are seeing it in the T community.
I said "How do we deal with the Not All Men people?" and he said "I don't know but it's trying to keep the focus on Predatory Men. I don't see men as abusers, but I see Predatory Men as a sort of subsection - men who have gone wrong either by genetics or nurture."
Sorry if this is a bit garbled!