How can I talk to my TWAW daughter?

[bonbonours]

I have one daughter who currently identifies as male. This is something we are struggling with as a family. My second daughter 13 identifies as gay and is quite involved with LGBT group at school and is very firmly on the TWAW opinion. She's in the midst of friends (and her sibling) telling her that anyone who doesn't agree is transphobic and everyone who comes out as trans should be affirmed and supported, and there are a lot in her friend group questioning their gender.

I saw a text she sent to a friend where she described me as "my transphobic mum". This upset me because generally we have a good relationship and before all this gender stuff exploded I considered myself very laid back, and accepting, loads of gay friends and family, passionate about gay rights, would be very accepting of teen sex (and would ensure they knew how to do it safely) etc. Suddenly I'm being painted as some kind of prejudiced dinosaur.

I really want to talk to her about what I believe about gender being a totally separate issue from sexuality, the trans trend, and the threat to women's rights. But I don't really know where to start. Is there anything for her to read? ( If I can persuade her)

@Soontobe60 if the parents feel the need to check her phone, they shouldn’t have given her one.

Having a phone comes with the presumption of privacy, if you don’t trust her then she wasn’t ready to be given it.

@PinkyU what a completely ridiculous thing to say!

@JoodyBlue

I am surprised at how many people say don't talk. In an age where the young really can't know which information sources to trust surely they need support from people they can trust to guide them. This is old fashioned parenting. Look at things together, discuss together. Take an argument or view point to its foundations. Teach your kids to think critically. I argued with my mum at this age. I argured for the sake of arguing because I was 13, 14, 15 or 16. But I remember what she said and I could see that she always had my own best interest at heart. I think this view is unfashionable now, but I don't know when we decided to stop parenting.

I agree with this. I can understand being quite thoughtful in what you say in discussion, but talking things through with your children is a good thing.

Don't be too dogmatic and push your children away, but equally it's fine if your kids think you are too strict, uncool, a dinosaur etc. Your their mum, being uncool is part of the role.

Aargh, you're their mum.

[quote PinkyU]@Soontobe60 if the parents feel the need to check her phone, they shouldn’t have given her one.

Having a phone comes with the presumption of privacy, if you don’t trust her then she wasn’t ready to be given it.[/quote]
I'm sure you didn't mean it to be, but this is dangerous advice, which plays right into the hands of predators!

The Internet is a vast, unregulated and potentially dangerous space. Many children have phones for various reasons way before they are old enough to navigate the Internet safely entirely on their own.

A locked diary might have some presumptions of privacy. A phone? An email address? Of course not!

As far as the phone issue is concerned yes, she knows I can access her phone, it's part of the deal of me paying for it. But with my eldest, as soon as she got to the point where she wanted to keep secrets from me she started getting arsey about me look at it, and so I want to avoid the same with my younger daughter.

I'd possibly avoid the 'trans' issue head on and just keep quietly and consistently raising awareness of misogyny etc.
The book Invisible Women is a very good, factual, eye-opening book about the global, historical lack of consideration of women in nearly every sphere. Nothing to do with gender, sexuality, idpol - can you keep on in that vein for now?

@jellyfrizz

I got my teens to talk this through by explaining my trans-ness to them (no gender identity =agender). They immediately declared 'No you're not!' and I asked them to explain why my trans-ness was different to other people. Turns out they believe that only people with body dysmorphia are 'actually trans'. We were able to discuss it a bit less heatedly once we understood what the other was actually talking about.

This would appeal to me too. As others have said, get them thinking about how they know what they know, how they analyse information, make sure the words/terms you are both using are clearly defined.

It is so difficult to know what to do for the best. I firmly believe that teenage girls are for the most part frightened of growning up and for this reasons seek to identify or become non-female. My concen is that in the past girls would have just gone through the teenage phase with similar worries but would have passed through this without making decisions which could then impact their future lives. The influences from the social media plus the fact that schools/colleges don't challenge but in my view encourage this as diversity pushes them further along the line