Help! 14 year old ASC son thinks he 'might be trans'

[50clockhero]

Apparently he did a quiz online... Any advice on how to deal with this? I kind of guessed this might be coming as he's never really fit in with his peers, and obviously gender is a convenient peg to hang it on. I know I can't be the only parent who doesn't want to go down the road of affirming his trans identity. Any tips, links etc most welcome

He did a quiz online? Seriously, that’s his reasoning? Ask him if an online quiz would have following his buddies off a cliff edge. I don’t even know what to say, why are you taking this seriously?

It might be worth your while checking out what advice Transgender Trend has to offer.

Apologies, this is just so utterly daft I don’t know what to say. Coyoacan’s advice is a lot more sensible.

Yeah, I would definitely be discussing and reassuring him that online quizzes are not in any way diagnostic or relevant to him.

A lot of children on the autism spectrum are being dragged into this as they feel they don't fit in anywhere and now they suddenly have a reason.

Be very careful with what he's viewing online and stay far away from Stonewall and Mermaids.

As he's at the 'might be' stage you have a chance to drag him away from this nonsense. Talk about confirmation bias, gender stereotypes, biological facts. Look at his internet useage and which sites he's on. Transgender Trend and Bayswater have a lot of advice.

Try not to give it oxygen

Would it be too harsh to show him videos/pictures/diagrams of the various surgeries, as well as going through the side effects of hormones? Keep telling him he is perfect as he is and is his own unique person, he doesn't need to change his body to fit any quiz's idea of how he should be!

I’d ask to see the quiz he used and then critique it from scientific viewpoint. Most of those quizzes are heavy on gender stereotypes so should be easy to discredit it. You could even take it yourself and have a laugh about the results. It’s a good learning lesson for him to show him why he should not take online quizzes seriously.

Do the quiz yourself & show him how ridiculous it is to define yourself by some daft nonsense online. Make sure you tell him that humans can’t change sex.

Very common for autistic teens. They don't feel "right" with the world around them. They aren't typical and they don't fit. So, in keeping with the black and white way of thinking, they reason that perhaps if they're not right as they are, perhaps they're meant to be something else. And the current trend of telling people that they can present as whatever the hell they want and make other people believe it is very confusing to a demographic that adopts rules and rights and enforces them more rigidly.

@ButterflyBitch

He did a quiz online? Seriously, that’s his reasoning? Ask him if an online quiz would have following his buddies off a cliff edge. I don’t even know what to say, why are you taking this seriously?

It's a thing. My DD9 told me he can switch gender on his online Maths tutoring programme now.

It's fair to say that this generation is playing with what gender means, most of them are not Trans, but many of them are exploring what gender means.

I just took this one and I am apparently 75% masculine....I’m a woman who happens to like math, economics, history and can repair a computer.
psycho-tests.com/test/gender-role-test

All the online tests are rubbish based on stereotypes.

Tips (for what they are worth)

Try not to make it a parent - teen thing: anything you're against, he's likely to be for - that's just adolescence. With ASC, you know, there's always the risk he'll become fixated on the idea so best not to make it a big thing.

If you feel able to, casually and in passing, affirm that gender is not a fixed thing - boys can like to do things that girls do, and girls can like to do things boys do - it's fine to be different & there's no need to change your body to fit in as a girl or as a boy.

Distraction: Try and move him back onto something he's especially interested in. If it's a passing thing, he'll soon move on.

Good luck

Thanks so much for the advice and understanding. @ButterflyBitch, you asked why I was taking this seriously. It's because I know where this can lead and I want to reach him before he falls down the rabbit hole. I know it's all ridiculous (and am not taking the quiz in any way seriously) but, as @MakingM says, I don't want to set up a conflict that will make him even more determined. I'm going to talk to him about it this evening and will bear all your wise words in mind. Thanks all

Also have a look for GenSpect. Run by really compassionate parents and those who work with children.

I really wouldn't show him surgery pictures.

I think he's trying to find a way to talk to you about this. Ask him about what the questions and answers were. Was he sure about all of them, or were they a 'on balance I think' answer?

Also - can he show you what quiz it was and where it came from?

I wouldn't do any of this to do a 'gotcha, you don't really mean this' message. Note that he's raised this topic with you, stay open, listen.

Try not to make it a parent - teen thing: anything you're against, he's likely to be for - that's just adolescence

This is so important

I took the quiz - I am neutral. Based on being meh about shopping, able to fix computers, having fairly sensitive skin and liking both baking and televised sport.

What a load of unmitigated old SHIT.

Looks like I’m non-binary!

I shall be going by they/them forthwith and changing my name to Neo or some such

I was in the "undifferentiated" quadrant as well.

Though whoever set up that graph was on crack. Why four quadrants when there are only two variables?

YOU ARE 59% MASCULINE AND 24% FEMININE.

These online tests are full of stereotyped nonsense

Do you go up stairs two at a time?
Would you enjoy being a sports coach?
Hate shopping?

If yes you're a bloke apparently. FFS what a load of regressive stereotypical sexist bullshit.

What century are we in again?

WTF
That’s hilarious

Do you go up stairs two at a time? I would if I hadn’t fucked my knee doing football
Would you enjoy being a sports coach? Football yes, artistic iceskating no
Hate shopping? For computers yes. At Tesco, no

It thinks im a bloke. Im not.