Worried about conflict/criticism if we have a son

[SecondhandTable]

This isn't my usual username, I'm using one I use less often for this. Also couldn't get my head around which feminism subthread to put it in since the ridiculous decision to try and arbitrarily split parts of feminism up...

Hoping for some reassurance or advice, please be gentle! I'm heavily pregnant (term) and awaiting my second child's arrival. I have one DD who is 3. I've never been bothered about the sex of our kids, neither is DH. We didn't find out until birth with DD and doing the same this time. We have had occasional eye rolls and occasional comments from family & family friends about some choices we've made e.g. buying clothes from the 'boys' section, keeping her hair in a short bob and stupid things like that. Not been a big issue though as she still wears a lot of 'girls' clothing, and nobody is bothered about a girl in jeans or playing with Lego or whatever really are they? However I'm increasingly thinking that we are likely to receive a lot more criticism and conflict if we do basically the same thing but with a boy if you see what I mean - there are definitely people around us who will have a lot to say about a little boy wearing pink or sequins or bows, who may play with dolls or whatever, even though I will essentially be doing exactly the same as I did with DD. Has anyone been through this and how did you deal with it? Did people shut up about it quickly? I'm so worried about it that I'm starting to really hope we have another daughter.

Who cares what other people think. My son spent most of his babyhood in pink babygroes because he grew faster than his twin sister and I was damned if Iwas going to go out and buy new ones when I had brand new pink ones received as presents when they were born. She also wore all of the blue ones.

I think it's quite unusual these days to find people really put out about boys playing with dolls, or even barbies. Most people realize than many kids just play with all the different types of tows, at least sometimes.

You may get a little more push-back if you put him in very obviously "girly" things like sequins and bows, at least for normal dress rather than playing dress up. TBH I'm not sure I would do it as a matter of principle, unless he seems quite keen. In my experience wearing somewhat conventional clothing choices as a young child has very little correlation with growing up to be a sexist or to disrespect women.

Boys clothes usually have thicker cotton and more coverage which meant that my sons often wore clothes from that section.
However, I did like to be able to spot them from a distance so sometimes I bought bright pink clothes if that was what I came across. They wore brands like oilily so maybe huge rabbit faces on fuschia.
Nobody commented.

They sometimes wore their sister's clothes but I had bought loads of boys' clothes for her. I think they wore dresses now and again but not often. They liked plainish Jersey tunic ones as they were quicker to pull on than separates.
Again, nobody commented.

I didnt want them to feel there were options that were closed to them.
I didnt particularly pay more attention to them either way or comment much other than in relation to comfort.

It's probably an unusual way to do things but it isn't wrong or fraught with criticism unless most of the people in your life are rude and sexist.

Things like bows seemed a bit fussy for any of my dc whether male or female.
Sequins seem quite unisex now though - the flippy ones where you can change the picture anyway.

Yeah, my oldest wore many hand me downs from his cousins who were both girls. A vest is a vest regardless of a pink trim or pretty flower on it.

Luckily, most of my family and friends feel the same.

Only comment I ever received was from a distant male friend who couldn't believe DH was allowing his son to wear a pair of baby jeans with Minnie mouse on the back pocket instead of Mickey, while sitting in a pram around the shopping centre. DH was confused why this would be an issue.

As long as it's practical and clean, just keep asking them exactly what they think it's doing to the kid. Sequins aren't that comfortable and bows always seems OTT to me but colours are for everyone.

And dolls, just send them that Lets Toys Be Toys meme about boys growing up to be dads.

I think you're quite likely to get people trying to tell your kids that they're not really a boy or a girl because they aren't gender conforming.

DH was confused why this would be an issue.

I think confusion is an excellent response. Make the other person explain their reasoning.

I'd agree with the PP. DS (2 big sisters) wanted to wear clips in his hair for about a year at nursery, he had a friend who wore Disney Princess outfits for years as well. Everyone was quite relaxed about it and it was no big deal. I suspect in the current climate you are unfortunately more likely to get questions about your child being trans but just treat it breezily 'oh no he knows he's a boy, he's just emulating his big sister'. At home DS was put in pink grobags and sleepsuits and any clothes that were gender neutral enough to pass down, I think that's pretty standard.

I have one of each and didn't find out the sex until birth.

My eldest is a boy and I made an effort to buy gender neutral pjs, coats, shoes, underwear and trousers. I knew I wanted more than one child so I planned for lots of hand me downs.

My second is a girl and up until recently (she's 2.5 years now) she happily wore anything that had belonged to her brother. She had some 'girl' clothes but at nursery she nearly always wore her brothers old things.

Now she's discovered pink. She LOVES anything pink and sparkly. She wanted Elsa everything. She refused her brothers old wellies because they had blue not pink dinosaurs. She loves playing babies and house. She's turned into a real little girl.

I've had to start giving away a lot of the clothes I'd kept for her because she refuses to wear boy clothes now.

So, what I'm saying - 1) no one cared that she wore her brothers stuff. 2) they get to an age where they start being more aware of their likes and dislikes.

The thing is 'boy's' clothes (barring the boring colours or unfortunate slogans) are more neutral, 'girly' clothes are just so impractical. Pale colours, fussy bits, uncomfortable, horrible fabric. So you don't need to dress up your boys in bows and frills just to treat your boy and girl equally.

I have one of each and they are dressed pretty much the same. Bright colours in practical cuts, trousers and onsies, t shirts etc. Both have worn pink (though I'm not find of the colour) bunnies, cats, trucks, dinosours. Neither have worn dresses as they aren't of an age where these would be anything but a hazard, they also like to take their own nappies off so trousers prevents that.

I was gifted a massive sack of girls clothes by a friend and was horrified at what her 6year old was wearing. Flimsy see through fabric, shorts that were basically hot pants with tassels. Polyester dresses that you couldnt move well in. And all, ALL in shades of pale pink, white, yellow and cream.

My two are constantly covered in mud and scrapes.

My mother bought my daughter (first and only granddaughter) a white frilly dress because it was cute. She wasn't even walking yet and it was the style that would hitch up showing her nappy very quickly. All I could think was, She isn't a fucking ornament!!

@Morningstar66 this! I let my daughter choose some pants when we started potty training. She of course picked the pink flowery ones. They are so thin compared to her brother's pants. They don't wash well either. They've all dyed and lost colour when done in a mixed wash (even with a colour catcher)

The 'boy' pants her brother has are way better. She's just having hand me down ones now (until she massively protests 🙄)

DS2 has long curly hair, and being a child, is largely indistinguishable from a girl.

I've dressed him in cast offs from his big brother, from my sisters kids (of both sexes), according to my own tastes (joggers and long-sleeved t-shirts), and according to his (soft, fluffy, black, camo, and pink). Sometimes strangers refer to him as a boy, sometimes as a girl, everyone is admiring of his hair, no-one has ever had a go (well, apart from ex who once, and only once, went off on one because I bought him leggings with silver and pink glitter stripes up the side - which he loved).

So I would say don't over think it, while their a baby, just reply, 'Oh he can barely focus, I don't think he cares what colour it is', and once the child is older, just smile indulgently at them and say 'oh, he picked it, he really likes blue/gold/glitter/camo/stripes/whatever'

I think putting him in pink and sparkly before he can choose that himself might be about suiting your own agenda more than his.

However if it’s more about practicality and gender neutral then go for it.

When he gets to the point he can choose, if he chooses pink and sparkly- go for it!

I will say though that many years ago when mine were little I thought I was going to reuse all DDs clothes when DS was newborn, so as not to waste them. Great hulking baby DS looked so ridiculous in them that I did change my mind

Now she's discovered pink. She LOVES anything pink and sparkly. She wanted Elsa everything. She refused her brothers old wellies because they had blue not pink dinosaurs. She loves playing babies and house. She's turned into a real little girl.

'Real little girl'? Mine is not a little girl then? Because she likes snakes, the colour blue and sharks. Or my friend's boy who likes Elsa is a girl?

So your potential ds will be allowed frills, pink and bows but your dd isn't?

As long as you and your kids are happy, it's all that matters. People who give you funny looks or rude comments about your kids not being restricted by society's shit gender boundaries shouldn't have anything to do with how you raise them.

@MrsTerryPratchett

Now she's discovered pink. She LOVES anything pink and sparkly. She wanted Elsa everything. She refused her brothers old wellies because they had blue not pink dinosaurs. She loves playing babies and house. She's turned into a real little girl.

'Real little girl'? Mine is not a little girl then? Because she likes snakes, the colour blue and sharks. Or my friend's boy who likes Elsa is a girl?

It's quite clear that's not what I meant in that post.

How about I say she's become a stereotypical girl - or is that not allowed either?

It's amazing how much judgement comes along when a girl CHOOSES traditionally 'girl' things.

It's amazing how much judgement comes along when a girl CHOOSES traditionally 'girl' things

It's always the way on here it seems.

Boy loves to dress up as a princess...how wonderful

Girl wants to...how awful, why can't she climb trees and get muddy

Relax. It’s really not a big deal. When they are young, you can dress them however you want. When they start speaking and start going to nursery they may have very strong opinions like the pp’s dd. Plenty of boys in glittery tops, super long hair, nail varnish, pink trainers around (maybe one or two - not all at once) and lots of girls in dark colours, trainers and short hair around too. Most people don’t bat an eyelid. Small children on the other hand...

Hope your birth goes really well OP. When my two were at nursery, the nursery leader said it was really common for the boys to want to wear the 'girls' dress up costumes because they were just so much more colourful and interesting to wear (who can resist a swirly skirt?!). Just go for whatever a) you can get through the wash and dry quickly b) what they can yomp about in practically and c) whatever they might choose for themselves. Baby clothes are fun, pick what you fancy and enjoy them!

Thanks for the responses so far.

With regards to clothes, a lot of my DD's clothes have things like pink, sequins, frills on the sleeves, bows etc because most of her clothes are hand-me-downs from her cousin, and gifts. We don't buy her many clothes, and we aren't a wealthy family by any means (saving for a deposit to buy a house for example) so we were never going to go out and spend thousands of extra pounds on neutral clothing when we have tons of perfectly useable clothing given to us. That's why there will be a lot of this type of stuff to hand down to the next one.

Of course I also understand children start to express preferences and I will take that into account to some extent. I certainly wouldn't be forcing a boy into a dress or skirt and I will definitely be more mindful of their preferences in relation to 'girly' clothing because I know peer pressure at nursery may play a part in that. I definitely wouldn't want them to feel uncomfortable or to be unhappy if they were being singled out at nursery for example. My DD as I say is 3 and does express preferences sometimes. On the rare occasion we are out and clothes shopping together I do take her preferences into account and will let her pick her own clothing choices (within reason obviously). On the other hand she says she doesn't like everything new regardless of what it is 99 per cent of the time and it's tough then I still make her wear new clothes when necessary regardless of her reaction! She always gets over it once she's worn something once. There are also a few items of clothing she doesn't particularly like and might whinge about but if there's nothing else clean left for example then again it's tough.

@Holly60

I think putting him in pink and sparkly before he can choose that himself might be about suiting your own agenda more than his.

However if it’s more about practicality and gender neutral then go for it.

When he gets to the point he can choose, if he chooses pink and sparkly- go for it!

I will say though that many years ago when mine were little I thought I was going to reuse all DDs clothes when DS was newborn, so as not to waste them. Great hulking baby DS looked so ridiculous in them that I did change my mind

Just want to pick up on this - being dressed in pink and sparkly will be to save thousands of pounds, the same reason DD was dressed in it! As we aren't a wealthy family this is very important.

@Comedycook

So your potential ds will be allowed frills, pink and bows but your dd isn't?

You obviously didn't read my OP! My DD wears a lot of frills, pink and bows - hence why if we have a DS, they will too because they will be wearing her hand-me-downs! Why do people come on to threads, not even bother to read the OP properly and then post stupid comments like this?

Just want to pick up on this - being dressed in pink and sparkly will be to save thousands of pounds, the same reason DD was dressed in it! As we aren't a wealthy family this is very important.

Thousands of pounds

Baby clothes are relatively cheap