I've found this rather fascinating. And probably one for the relationship board too.
Lorna Slade is a psychotherapist who specialises in healing from narcissistic abuse. “Covert or ‘vulnerable’ narcissists tend to be more introverted than grandiose narcissists,” she says. “But they share the same classic traits. They’re just manifested at a far more subtle, workaday level. Theirs is a much more laser-targeted revenge. But they’re mask wearers: other people will say: ‘What do you mean? They’re lovely.’”
“In my experience the covert is far more dangerous than a grandiose,” says Slade. “Not only because they are harder to spot, but crucially, since they are more shame-based, they are more easily triggered into what’s known as ‘narcissistic rage’, which drives them to take spectacular revenge.”
A sense of victimhood appears to be primary, in which the narcissist will persecute from the victim position, often denigrating themselves and thereby fishing for reassurance. “Since they are poor problem-solvers, I see coverts resorting to the ‘victim’ role as a semi-conscious and very dark tool in their toolkit,” says Slade. “Once in victim mode they are emotionally persuasive way beyond the ability of a neurotypical person. The sheer effective power of coverts’ ability to manipulate other people never ceases to amaze me.”
*But, while exercising extreme wariness, we should also have sympathy: narcissists are not born. They are created by early environments, picking up the message that their true self is not acceptable, whereupon they create a false self, or mask. If that shiny outer shell is threatened, they will attack as they feel annihilated.
*
"we should also have sympathy:" although I reserve that for children. And "could / might have sympathy" would work better. Don't should all over this shit.
Technically the observer I think.
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/aug/01/not-all-narcissists-are-grandiose-the-vulnerable-type-can-be-just-as-dangerous?CMP=ShareiOSAppp_Other