Talking to Autistic teen about Trans feelings

[SummerBreeze1980]

I was told this would be a good place to post to get some support for myself and my teen.

My DS is 14 and a few months ago messaged me saying he thought he might be trans.

I have felt very out of my depth as in how to support him with this as after all it just wasn't a thing when I was a teen. It is only myself and his best friend (maybe other close friends too) who know about this. He particularly didn't want his dad to know. His dad and I are separated. He lives with me and his little sister. His dad can be quite blunt and dismissive of things hence I understand him not wanting his dad to know.

He doesn't dress any differently, use a different name etc. Although maybe he does with his friends. He appears generally happy although sometimes a bit withdrawn, spends lots of time in his room, eats and sleeps a lot. When I have spoken to him about these feelings he becomes very quiet and seems like it is very hard for him to talk about.

Any advice, much appreciated.

My 18yr old ASD daughter is in the process of identifying as a boy.

She's had some specific gender identity therapy to try and sort through her feelings about identity and autism. I can't say it's been 100% successful because she fervently believes her feelings of alienation, body dissociation can be resolved by changing her gender. She is incredibly uncomfortable and unhappy about her body and believes that a medical transition will solve a lot of this unhappiness.

I'm not convinced, but as she is legally an adult, there's not much I can do about it.

It's good that your son is willing to communicate with you about this issue (albeit on his terms). At this stage, in your position, I would read up as much as possible to know what he might progress to, both to prepare yourself and to be able to engage with him when he is ready to talk.

Most mtf transitioned that I've read about do not immediately undergo surgery (only a tiny % ever go on to have "bottom" surgery - I hate these euphemisms). But at his age, in the UK, there is a long waiting list for any gender treatment. The bigger fear is that teens will access private, internet services for hormone treatment.

How do you feel about this issue OP? You might be absolutely fine with it all, in which case you need only to listen and support. If you're less sure that it's the right path for your son, again listening and supporting his choices will be the only way to maintain any kind of positive relationship in the long term.

How does your son feel about his autism? Do you think he would be amenable to some therapy? Although I found it tricky to find autism & gender specialists (but not impossible).

Learn as much as you can, prepare yourself for a long haul - certainly with my autistic teen, it's been years in the making apparently.

Does spending a lot of time in his room equal spending lots of unmonitored time on the internet? It is extremely hard for young minds to resist the allure of the stories that are peddled to join in, never mind dealing with autism however it manifests in him.

Please be clear and calm that it is impossible for human beings to change sex, ever, no matter what it says on the internet, and support him to be his best quirky (or not) self, without supporting the lie that he is the wrong sex or that there's something wrong with his body. He isn't and there isn't.

And also please please make it clear that being 'trans' is fine, but it doesn't give him access to women's sex-segregated spaces such as changing rooms, loos, hospital wards. Please ensure he knows it is unfair on his little sister to co-opt her world and push in on girls.

If he's being bullied, that needs to be firmly addressed

He sounds like a normal autistic boy

If anyone is telling him otherwise that is a form of bullying

Does your son use the internet a lot? Are you aware of what kind of sites he frequents? There are a number of online spaces that aggressively push gender identity ideology onto young people and teens who are a bit vulnerable and might feel isolated can latch onto these ideas as a way of trying to resolve such issues.

Do your best to keep the lines of communication open and non-judgemental. Try to get to the bottom of what is causing him to think he is trans. It will take a series of casual but gently probing conversations. What does he think being trans means? What does he think being trans will enable him to do that he currently feels he cannot?
Try to find out if he is confusing sexist stereotypes with a 'feeling' of wanting to be the opposite sex or thinking he isn't a boy/male because he doesn't like stereotypically masculine things.

Autistic children and teenagers seem very vulnerable to gender identity ideology, so I would recommend you read up about these issues as much as possible and reach out to other parents.

There are six parts in this series of articles that are worth reading.
quillette.com/2021/04/02/when-sons-become-daughters-parents-of-transitioning-boys-speak-out-on-their-own-suffering/

The following websites also have lots of information:

Bayswater Support

Our Duty

Identity Crisis

Transgender Trend

Gender Dysphoria Support Network

As an autistic ex teen. It is completely normal not to feel like your peers, this is because you are autistic.

We're autistic and many of us don't join in with the gender stereotypes and that's ok. We're great as we are and don't have to make ourselves fit in with neurotypical stereotypes.

I would have been labelled as a boy when younger because I was a Tom boy who didn't like stereotypical girls things.

Good luck op.

Talking to teenagers, even NT ones is always tricky, and sitting down to conversations, however gentle, can make them back off. Obviously I don't know what will work with your son but things like chatting while you both do something together, talking while walking (or you driving him) so you are side by side rather than face to face, being ready to listen when HE comes to you (usually when you are in the middle of doing something) can all help.
open ended non judgemental questions like
that's interesting, can you tell me more about that?
I wonder if that made you feel..
I don't know much about all this, shall we check out some stuff together? (having first lined up something appropriate of course)

Could his feelings be linked to puberty and the changes happening to his body?

Thank you for all the replies.

@oxalisRed - I'm sorry to hear about your DD's difficult situation. I am concerned about the situation with my DS - mainly because I just want him to be happy and not having to struggle more when his ASD is already a struggle. I'm quite happy to follow his lead and validate his feelings. I have been reading up and would like to speak to him about it further - but it seems to make him so uncomfortable to talk about it! He is fine with his Autism as far as I know. He has friends who are Autistic too and I am as well. I don't think he would be happy to do therapy.

@Masdintle - he has a smart phone so can access the internet. When in his room he sleeps, reads, plays on his Switch and uses the phone too. He does the same when downstairs with us too. I don't know what he is looking at on his phone, though. I mean I know he doesn't use SM except You Tube and chats to friends on Watsapp, but exactly what he is looking at, at all times I don't know.

I have gently spoken to him about gender stereotypes and how if you like/do feminine things doesn't mean you aren't a boy. I have spoken to him about how your biological sex can't change but that was a while ago when a female friend decided to identify as a boy. I definitely want to support him to be his best quirky self! I don't think he's at a stage of thinking about sex-segregated spaces but yes, a casual chat about that is good. He went away on camp recently and didn't expect to share with a girl. But as I say it appears to be just something he is thinking about at the moment rather than acting on. There is no bullying as far as I am aware. His best friend is a girl who identifies as gay, and his other two closest friends are girls who identify as boys.

@NonnyMouse1337 - yes, he uses the internet a fair bit and I don't know what he's looking at, apart from the things he tells me. He is a typical Autistic boy and has long monologues with me about what he's read on the internet about the latest Indy game he's playing or about Pokémon cards. I did raise with his SW that I was concerned now he uses a phone rather than a tablet or laptop to access the internet and I can't see what he is looking at. She just told me not to worry.

It is a good idea to ask some questions about what feelings he has that he has labelled as trans etc. Thank you for all the information I will have a read.

@BlackeyedSusan - thank you for sharing.

@StillWeRise - thank you - that sounds a very good strategy. I'll see if we can have a chat while his sister is in holiday club.

@Nappyvalley15 - I actually think this could be at least part of it. His dad was over the other day and started talking about how DS was going through puberty - his voice was breaking and he was becoming a man. I noticed DS put his hands over his ears. He is perhaps feeling somewhat uncomfortable about it.

Summer - maybe a book like 'what's happening to me' might help him accept the changes happening to his body more. Something similar happened with friend's son. His feelings of being trans passed as he got more used to his changing body. He is autistic too.

@SummerBreeze1980 very interesting that you mention his friend circle comprises of girls (irrespective of how they identify).

Definitely read the series of articles I mentioned. I can't recommend them highly enough. Even if the specifics might not apply to your son, there are common themes in the stories shared by parents.

quillette.com/2021/04/02/when-sons-become-daughters-parents-of-transitioning-boys-speak-out-on-their-own-suffering/

quillette.com/2021/04/06/when-sons-become-daughters-part-ii-parents-of-transitioning-boys-speak-out-on-their-own-suffering/

quillette.com/2021/04/12/when-sons-become-daughters-part-iii-parents-of-transitioning-boys-speak-out-on-their-own-suffering/

quillette.com/2021/04/21/when-sons-become-daughters-part-iv-parents-of-transitioning-boys-speak-out-on-their-own-suffering/

quillette.com/2021/05/11/when-sons-become-daughters-part-v-the-links-between-trans-identity-gifted-minds-categorical-thinking-and-anime/

quillette.com/2021/06/07/when-sons-become-daughters-part-vi-asexuality-intelligence-and-the-trans-co-option-of-intersex-discourse/

I'm quite surprised at the social worker telling you not to worry about not being able to see what your son is accessing on the internet!! You'd think it was a fairly basic safeguarding issue about children for parents to be concerned about what kind of material their kids might be able to access without parental supervision. This is even more important for autistic children.

@oxalisRed can you recommend ASD and gender therapists? My son has a direct payments through a personal budget as per his EHCP and the LA have totally left it up to parents to find a suitable therapist.

My 15 year old identifies as gender fluid, pansexual and furry. The furry thing is about 5 years old.

Yes he has access to the internet. He is at internet school. It is required. I have blocked and blocked but he is HF and techy and outwits me. Plus when I put a blanket ban on all tech I prevent socialisation as he doesn't socialise in RL.

Before Covid he used to but tbh was overly concerned with finding other furries. He would think that a peer liking a game or cartoon image meant they were really a furry. Even though the significance went over their heads. This was one of the reasons secondary education placement failed.

Sorry to hijack.

@Nappyvalley15 - I got him the 'what's happening to me' book when he was 8. He was most offended that I'd given him a book with lots of pictures of penises in!! I have the book now for older DC but he's not looked at it. I might have a read to get some ideas of how to talk to him about puberty

@NonnyMouse1337 - he does have some friends who are boys but the closest ones are girls. He never enjoyed the rough and tumble of boys when he was younger so think that was why he gravitated to the girls. His best friend he has known since toddler group!

@NonnyMouse1337 - oh and yes, regarding SW and internet - I thought she would be more clued up. I think I will raise it again. My DS has been to a couple of talks about the safe use of the internet but I would appreciate some more support with this issue.

@KOKOagainandagain - please hijack away if it helps get you the support you need

This is a very long read from an autistic woman on why she identified as trans (she has since desisted).

It's very insightful and well worth a read. 4w.pub/autism-puberty-gender-dysphoria-view-from-an-autistic-desisted-woman/

@PurgatoryOfPotholes - thank you - I'll have a read.