Only one way to be a girl

[LizzieHexam]

I’ve NC for this. My 14 yr old daughter has been breast binding. We’ve talked about feminism and trans stuff for a while now. She was always interested in feminism, never a stereotypically “girly” girl. I hoped I was helping her see that women come in all shapes and sizes, can do what they want, look how they want. But her group have been very into gay and trans stuff, former, no prob, but usual mis information re latter - suicide and mortality stats.
Every girl around here at the local schools looks the same, I kid you not - all have long hair, centre parting, it’s scary. She has very short hair, always wears trousers at school.
So, I had a word with a few teachers/nurse at school re the binder on the basis of safeguarding. I think they’re better than most schools - agree the safety issues, work with parents etc, but one said “oh yes, we thought given that she wears trousers and doesn’t look like the other girls, that she may be questioning her gender identity”.
My heart just broke. Is there no room for girls who DON’T want to look like the prescribed image ? What are we telling our girls? There is just this ONE way to “be a girl”, and if you don’t do it right, people will think you must be ‘trans”, really a “boy”? If all around are thinking this - including whoever got her the binder - what chance does she have? I feel broken, so sad, so angry with a very dysfunctional world at the moment. I know all the stuff that is going on, have raised my kids to be themselves, ignoring stereotype, but I feel the world is against me.

My parents showed me that they loved me for who I was , that I could be me ,that my body didn't affect who I was , they lightly dismissed or ridiculed people with strong stereotype views

Is it just your daughter's appearance that she is uncomfortable with or are other aspects of her personality & strengths leading to low level bullying by others ?

The gender conformity in the younger generation is strong. The space for non conformers has been truly colonised by definitions around identity.
It's worrying because of the self harming aspects (for both) that are so prevalent in adolescence.
I have a short haired, trouser wearing DD too and this has been a concern for me. At the moment she seems very happy and unusually contented for a teen in her body and lack of gender identity. Refreshingly she commented to me recently how much easier it is simply to be female, dress how you want to and not feel the need for a label. She is fully expecting someone to ask her at some point if she's NB. Many of her peers spend much time and angst on this.

It really is so weird. As a teen, in the mid-90s, I used to wear my hair short and mainly wore jeans, doc boots and a leather jacket. Most of the guys I knew actually dressed the same but most had long hair. If I'd had an option of school trousers instead of a horrible skirt, I'd have picked the former. I watched football, did karate, read comics, loved sci-fi. But never, ever imagined any of that meant I was in anyway a boy.

I also enjoyed 'girl' things too. I rarely wore make-up but didn't mind it. Read my weight in Sweet Valley High books. Watched Blossom every Friday evening. Had more feminine clothes that I'd wear or not wear depending on how I felt. Though thinking about it, fashions like a skater dress with dark tights, doc boots and no make-up was probably more physically and mentally comfortable a way to express femininity than a lot current teen girl fashions.

Might this article be of interest to her?

'I spent seven years identifying as a boy': Richard Branson's daughter
mol.im/a/9753083

Holly looks great in her Dinner Jacket outfit as a child and that was quite fashionable back then with Princess Diana wearing similar.

My DD really hated all the prom stuff with her peers buying dresses that wouldn't have looked out of place in a Disney movie. She bought a £20 men's naval dress suit from a charity shop. In the end the full shirt /cummerbund etc was too much so she wore a strapless black jumpsuit with the naval jacket with all the gold braiding etc. The only one not in a dress and everyone admired her look.

@JustWaking and @ValancyRedfern many thanks - I’ll look at both those. X

@FannyCann Just read that, thanks - really interesting