WWYD: role modelling vs making a stand

[squishymandarin]

I've come up against a situation at work and wondered how other people would approach it. It's made me think about being a feminist at both an individual level (removing myself from anti-women working environments) and a collective level (staying in the environment to open it up to other women). I'm curious about what everyone else thinks because variations on this problem crop up so often and I don't know what the solution is that best helps women progress.

The rest is just details of what got me thinking:
The context: I work in a very male dominated industry. Lots of discussion about improving diversity, but no real desire to fundamentally change the structure so no change on the horizon. Very hierarchical, but no accountability and junior trouble makers don't get their contracts renewed.

The Problem: I've been invited to attend a week-long residential meeting. I will probably be the most senior woman, despite only being early 30s and still at a junior career stage. Some of the senior men attending are pretty unpleasant: alcoholics, refuse to hire women, borderline harassers, and certainly turn a blind eye to harassment from their staff. So it would be a week of discomfort and probably being ignored and belittled at best, or living on high-threat alert at worst. So obviously I don't want to go.

My instant feeling is to refuse to go because it's going to be a decidedly female unfriendly meeting and to tell them why (I'll get put on the difficult list for that and probably ignored). BUT that means I'm out of the loop for future decisions, and will be cut out of some progression opportunities. I will also lose opportunities for my staff. There are likely to be a few younger women there who don't have a choice about going, therefore I'm leaving them unprotected, unsupported and without any sort of positive role model. So if I don't go, I'm just leaving the business to repeat this sorry state of affairs for another generation. There aren't any women over 35, so setting up an alternative isn't an option.

This is so similar to problems you see everywhere: women in parliament, women in STEM, women in finance, women in IT. We have no role models, and there's no evidence telling us or our managers that we can achieve, because all the role models get to a completely valid fuck this shit point, and the circle continues. What do we do?!

(Phew, that turned into an essay!)

A week long residential meeting! Is the employer offering to pay for childcare for anyone attending who has children? Since this question will disproportionately affect women, it's a pretty clear cut case of sex discrimination.

Oh no, don't even get me started on that. That's one of the things that they refuse to change to increase diversity. Add in 0 chance of open ended contracts until you're 35-40, and no maternity leave on the short (often 6 month) contracts, where you move employer between each contract. Shitty men certainly aren't the only reason there are no women, but there are no women senior enough to have a loud enough voice to point out how shitty it is! Can you see why I'm looking for other careers?

Unfortunately, this a global, highly respected and prestigious industry and works the same in every country. I don't even know how you'd bring a discrimination complaint against the whole lot. It would be a bit like pointing out that you can't be an MP if you have young children because you have to be in London all the time. They'd just shrug.

Hmm could you try and set up a company female Network/mentor type group either by finding our names of the women coming or and getting on the agenda somewhere on the programme
I’m sure the organisers would love to tick a lot of boxes with that one

I would go. But I'm 40s and obnoxious these days (although yes, also a single mother, so I'd have to do some fast talking to get childcare)

I know this sounds like an awful thing to endure, but honestly, it's a step forward to even be invited - when I was very late twenties, my boss took my junior (male) to Curacao for a week for a major client sale, and freely admitted it was because he didn't want to take a woman. I was both relieved (who wants to risk it) and affronted (who doesn't want a week in a luxury Curacao hotel for free)

Get yourself there. You should be thinking about your career and your development, and not letting dinosaurs put you off.

You have to be in the room where it happens...as the song goes.

Definitely go, and do your best to network with any other women who are there. I'd also keep a record of any incidents of sexism, harassment etc just for your own records in case you ever have a chance to report it to someone who will listen.

I would seriously think about changing jobs. I spent a long time working for a soul destroying manager and then realised life is too short.

Your workplace soinds toxic and I would vote with my feet.

Could you go for part of it? Stay elsewhere, perhaps, if you are concerned about safety or harassment, I would avoid evening things.

But I would worry about younger women there. Hm. Tricky.

Maybe even try and go early / meet before virtually and meet up with the potential allies first? Discuss that there are some people who it would be good to network with but talk about having a witness to inter reactions? Signals agreed in advance even?

Oops, earlier namechange fail

Thanks for all the comments. It's really interesting to see independent view points. I confess, I've been so resigned to the idea that I'm going to fail at this career I hadn't even considered the use it for personal benefit option.

You've also got me properly mad that I've been so brainwashed into thinking that it's a privilege to be where I am that I just all accept how discriminatory it is. And wondering quite how it's allowed to continue, especially in countries with stricter employment law than the UK. It's like the whole industry is just somehow slightly outside the law: they follow in theory, but have created an industry structure that means it doesn't matter.