I feel like I've failed as a woman

[LifeBeginsNow]

I've just been chatting to my neighbour (I say chatting but he barely let's me get a word in) and he's gone through his usual repertoire of anti-vaxination; covid doesn't exist in the way we think; whatever happened to flu this year and then mentioned an attempted rape of a woman about two streets away. I hadn't heard about it and was quite shocked but he moved the conversation on by talking about these girls and their short skirts that they get taken up.

My blood is boiling but I just don't have the ability to answer him (or anyone) back and explain how incorrect and offensive that statement is. I feel weak. I've suffered from brain fog for years now due to a chronic illness and I'm pretty shy with people and don't like to make a scene.

Tbh he winds me up with his anti-vax stance anyway but he's entitled to believe what he wants (I just shouldn't let him preach to me as if what he is saying is accurate) but the comment that a woman has brought this on because of the clothes she wears is ludicrous and offensive.

I read the board on here and it's changed my attitude significantly. It's like I've finally realised that things I've put up with in the past are very wrong but today I just couldn't make that jump to express myself.

I see my friend who looks uncomfortable when she stands up for herself but she will always do it and make her point known. I'm in awe. How can I get to that stage?

Don't be too hard on yourself you’re on the way to that point. Female socialisation has trained us all to be polite especially to men. This time you didnt say anything but your probably will at least object next time even if it isn’t very forceful.
Starting to speak up on this takes time to retrain ourselves and become more articulate and baby steps is fine

Don't feel bad OP. You didn't fail as a woman, your neighbour failed as a decent human being. It's not your responsibility to educate him, and he probably wouldn't take a blind bit of notice if you tried. He'd just label you as 'one of those awful bitter feminists' or something. I totally get why your blood was boiling and why you feel disappointed you didn't call him out on his foul opinions, but honestly - you have nothing to feel bad about!

I feel a bit tearful to be honest (I am heavily pregnant too and lots of things set me off).

Maybe I should work on a go to response. It's just never been in my nature to answer back.

I think that's why I was drawn to my DH. We are like chalk and cheese with confidence levels. He used to tell me how he answered back at work and I brushed it off thinking he was exaggerating but he honestly tells people exactly what he thinks. He won't stand being walked over or interrupted but is secure enough in himself to apologise if he feels he has said too much.

I think you're right about the neighbour branding me a bitter feminist. I can't imagine too much is going on upstairs and certainly no empathy to other people's situations or problems. The way he speaks to his wife is shocking and she doesn't even live with him anymore so I only hear the odd snippet when she pops round.

I feel so bad for the woman that was attacked as not only has she got to live with that and the fear of it happening again but she also has to deal with idiots questioning what she did to bring it on.

Don't be hard on yourself, he is in the wrong, you were taken by surprise. He views on everything from women to race are likely to be very off. Can you avoid him in future?

'It's not your responsibility to educate him, and he probably wouldn't take a blind bit of notice if you tried'

Completely agree with this. It would be a waste of your energy. I wouldnt stand there and listen to all that crap though. Have an excuse up your sleeve next time he starts - 'oh I think I hear the doorbell', 'just in the middle of something' etc

Just don't worry about people like this. They are nutters, really, and have no filters and you probably can't change that.

I might make some comment about the short skirts, like "I don't really think that's likely to be a factor, all kinds of people get raped" but past that, there is no point and it isn't necessary if you'd rather not. If you don't want to listen, make an excuse and leave.

Confrontation is not your only option here. And as @lazylinguist said, it is not your job to educate the man, but you don’t have to stay and listen to him either. Next time he tries to engage, just smile vaguely and walk away.

My gut feel is that you should worry less about standing up to a nasty and ignorant man (especially when pregnant) and spend more time worrying about how to avoid him! If you want want to feel better about yourself then perhaps joining a campaigning or support organisation is a better option that confronting bullies one on one? And it might build your confidence so that in future you can confront head to head

Yeah the doorbell scenario might be an idea. He goes on and on and it's draining. It reminds me of having to sit there and listen to my alcoholic father drone on about whatever had annoyed him that day. I just feel trapped and like it's best not to anger the beast but I'm a grown up now and I don't have to do things I don't want to!

Rather than reeducate him (as you've all pointed out would be pointless) I should work on walking away when he says something offensive.

I've even had my first face to face conversation with an MLM bot and didn't handle that the way I thought I would. Luckily I changed the subject before the topic of buying or being recruited began but after reading the posts on here, I was confident I knew how to shut it down but it just wasn't that easy as the lady is so lovely!

You've taken the first step by just seeing this.
Now you need to get in touch with your inner viper

I feel a bit tearful to be honest

Please don’t give any headspace to worrying about what you think you should have said to your neighbour Confrontation is not easy especially if you’ve grown up avoiding conflict with an alcoholic father.

There are lots of ways to be a feminist and support women and we all have to find the route that works for us.

You're absolutely not alone OP, I can't ever seem to verbalise this either so end up just nodding like a fool and getting annoyed at myself, I'd love to have some stock phrases for scenarios like that I have so much admiration for people who can calmly but effectively get their point across without shouting or being aggressive.

Stop giving your neighbour your time - next time you see him and he looks like he wants to chat just really breezily say 'Hi, lovely weather isn't it' or something similar and then just carry on and don't get drawn into conversation with him

It's not your responsibility to 'put him right'. You can choose not to listen to his rants though. Just make an excuse and end the conversation.

Imo any man who brings up rape in a casual chat with a woman is an aresehole.

IME if you had started to say no it's not what you wear etc he would have been v pleased to get in an argument about it. And to upset you.

That's what I've found.

If not well it's still not something to chat about is it.

We have v chatty neighbours and DH is shit at getting away. Like 40 mins he'll be there.

I just say oh how are you yeah great I'm in s hurry though see you later! And just walk off.

Step one is. You don't have to talk. You don't have to reply. You don't have to stand there and let some bloke talk upsetting shit at you.

Be polite but firm. I've got to go. See you later! And just walk off.

Cold stare and walk away next time you see him. No explanation/apology required.
You'll find your capacity to confront without giving a fuck increases with age.

I was sat in the garden enjoying the sun and we've got these awful low chain fences separating the two gardens so it's obvious when we are outside. It's putting me off the summer as he's going to think we are there for a chat each time (I prefer a quick hello and not to really engage).

I'm going to have to work on shutting the conversation down. He's got nothing of interest to say and his views are hateful. I haven't heard any racism yet but I'm sure that's in there somewhere!

what lazylinguist said: "your neighbour failed as a decent human being"

Nasty that it's the nextdoor garden. There are these things called shoji screens, freestanding Japanese space dividers. If you can find one that can stand up in a breeze (mostly they're used indoors, but they probably have garden ones too?) you could place it between your favorite sitting place and the useless neighbour.

You may not feel ready to stand up to your toxic shit of a neighbour, OP, but you can certainly ignore him!
Don’t reply, don’t engage. Practise a look of incredulity and utter contempt. Hold it for several seconds, then walk away. Rinse and repeat, until he gets the message.