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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

DD says they're trans Im hearbroken! Need help in Wales Cardiff

5 replies

JennyinWales · 18/05/2021 18:49

My darling daughter came to me and my hubby last night and said they believe they are a trans man. I am absolutely heartbroken have been a long time lurker on here and am in facebook groups but was still blindsighted by this. My husband said everything will be ok but I can't stop crying. DD wants me to tell their GP and school as soon as possible and fully come out and I can't do that. My hubby said lets tell the GP so they can get therapy but I've seen so many horror stories about doctors ignoring parents and pushing kids into transing. What do I do?? Does anyone know any resources in Wales I can reach out to? I don't mind going private for treatment at this point to make sure they get the right care. Does anyone know any mental health or counsellors I could speak to?

Just in bits don't know how this all happened and I feel like I'm going to lose her.

OP posts:
OhHolyJesus · 18/05/2021 23:09

Bayswater Support Group
Unit 30972
PO Box 6945
London W1A 6US
07305 212761
[email protected]

bayswatersupport.org.uk/about-us/

Is a good place to start OP, though in London I'm hoping they can do remote therapy or advise in some way. So sorry you're going through this.

You don't mention the age of your DD so I don't know if you can accompany her to the GP, if she can go alone or if you can go for advice without her present.

I think many GPs are cautious in affirming but also don't want to be accused of transphobia. Referrals to GIDS would take ages and the Cass review is underway. Can you se about private therapy and avoid speaking to the school? (See the recent thread on this board about schools changing the names of pupils without parental knowledge.)

There are mothers like you posting similar OPs on other boards and there are threads here with what I hope will be helpful advice for you re affirmation and social transitioning. Basically it is to be avoided but that's easy for me to say.

I'm hoping that others with more experience will be along soon to help.

If you can I'd look into what she is looking at online and what might be influencing her in terms of her friendship groups and at school or clubs she attends.

JennyinWales · 20/05/2021 22:04

@OhHolyJesus Thank you so much for that, will be joining soon. My DD is 19, they're still in college so not fully independent but can go to the GP on their own if they wanted to. It seems they want either me or my OH to come along with them though so I'm hoping to delay it for a bit due to COVID.

That's reassuring though that it would take a while. I don't know what cass or anything is, I think I need to do some googling!

Will read more threads, this was really helpful thank you so much.

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OhHolyJesus · 20/05/2021 22:44

Sorry OP I made an assumption and abbreviated - the Cass review is the review of The Gender Identity Development Service (GIDS, or the Tavistock and Portman clinic.) It's being done by Dr Hilary Cass.

There is so much for you to read and I don't want to overwhelm you with multiple links. Waiting lists for treatment due to the high number of referrals will cause a delay, but if you seek advice from your GP they could refer you to join that waiting list. Your DD is an adult so would not be required to seek parental consent but it's great she wants you with her and 'watchful waiting'
is far better than rushing into something she may later regret.

Puberty blockers would have little effect due to her age so I'm assuming she would be seeking cross sex hormones and want to discuss possible surgery (double mastectomy) with the Dr but is she keen to have therapy? I really hope she can find someone to talk to rather than rush into the medical route.

I would also suggest Stella O Malley maybe contacting her - she did a programme for Channel 4 called Trans Kids: We Need to Talk.

cass.independent-review.uk

Though your DD is older than I thought the referrals for girls are far, far higher than for boys. Has she said where this comes from, has she shown any interest in this before, at a younger age? If not then it could be Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria and for this I would look at the work from De Lisa Littman

journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0202330

Her work was suppressed and she received huge criticism for even exploring the topic but she persisted and I think her work is hugely important in this conversation.

Without scaring you too much I would recommend that you look as the Detransition Advocacy Network, Pique Resistence and the newsnight coverage of GIDS and Keira Bell and see if you can get hold of a copy of Irreversible Damage by Abigail Shrier.

FrancesGumm · 31/05/2021 08:50

OP - has she watched any programmes on YouTube of de-transitioners? There is a really good 3 part documentary from Finland or Sweden about a couple of detransitioner girls. I can’t remember the name of it sorry.

JennyinWales · 06/06/2021 21:32

Thanks both, have been looking into therapists nearby as she's willing to talk to them before going public regarding it. Do have the feeling she has told her friends though. Struggling to find one that would be a bit critical of the usual trans timeline tho. Considering zoom so thanks for the recc @OhHolyJesus . Have been doing some reading so thanks for those, will look into it. Think she's been using tiktok and youtube to find things out :(

@FrancesGumm No, will have a search and see if she's be open to watching them, maybe if I can put them on the tv

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