Guardian article on the cult of the perfect mother

[ArabellaScott]

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/may/18/parent-trap-why-the-cult-of-the-perfect-mother-has-to-end?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other&fbclid=IwAR1sWl3_y6uulvXAeX99eVj8jjdnkuM72FWttwZYDrzGQAsciV22oCsuSlk

Quite a long and interesting article. I definitely don't agree with all of it, but increasingly I think the summation of it is entirely true:

'Motherhood is feminism’s unfinished business.'

@ArabellaScott

I think recounting birth stories is often essential for women to process it (though it might feel less than helpful to the person listening). I've heard elderly women suddenly launch into an incredibly vivid, blow-by-blow of their birth stories, and there's a kind of urgency in how they're told. I've done the same, unexpectedly, and I think it kind of helped.

Agree with this. Childbirth was the most dangerous, shocking thing I’d ever been through and it’s been incredible to me afterwards to realise how many women feel a similar way. Talking about it, and hearing how other women got through it, helped me reconcile a lot of what happened.

I dont feel guilty about motherhood, I feel bitterly resentful.

I was sold this story of beauty and boundless love, an unbreakable bond between mother and child, something indescribably special and unique. And maybe it was, when they were small, sometimes.

But now I have opinionated teens, I've given up a pension pot and career prospects, and for what? To be blamed for everything and yet be expected to serve and fix the family's problems with no questions asked? To be squeezed in the middle of childcare responsibilities and ageing parental care responsibilities?

No, I'm not feeling guilty, I'm resentful and angry. Why is it all on my shoulders?

I do think there is a huge shift culturally to respecting your child’s autonomy and encouraging them to talk about their emotions etc. Obviously that is necessary but it does require a lot more effort, care and input than the parents I remember of the 80’s who said things like “do as I say not as I do” or who plonked you in front of the tv for hours, or let you play out until sunset, walk home alone, or just kind of didn’t see you much except at meal times. I grew up surrounded by this, it was very free and most families I knew were all the same.

The perfect family has evolved, and so has the role.

@mollythemeerkat

Thanks for sharing. "Half of all mothers in the UK experience a mental health problem before or after birth" - bloody hell, thats dreadful. Old style feminism shouted very loud about maternity leave, financial support, affordable nursery care, job security and decent pay for women etc - has all this stuff got left behind? Also, when I talk to younger friends they speak of how expectation to be the perfect mum and respond to your childs every action and emotion all the time, has become quite oppressive. Is this just a perception or was it a bit more relaxed twenty or thirty years ago?

As someone who had their child 24 years ago. I can categorically say it is not a perception. There was way way less pressure on parents.

@SisterAgatha

I do think there is a huge shift culturally to respecting your child’s autonomy and encouraging them to talk about their emotions etc. Obviously that is necessary but it does require a lot more effort, care and input than the parents I remember of the 80’s who said things like “do as I say not as I do” or who plonked you in front of the tv for hours, or let you play out until sunset, walk home alone, or just kind of didn’t see you much except at meal times. I grew up surrounded by this, it was very free and most families I knew were all the same.

The perfect family has evolved, and so has the role.

At the same time as working full time and looking selfie-ready has become a common theme.

@RidingMyBike

This really resonated when I read it this morning. I encountered so much pressure to have a 'natural' birth (from midwives as well as others), breastfeed, do attachment parenting, co-sleep etc. I was made to feel awful if I didn't do all this I'd be failing my child etc. And it made me so miserable.

It turned out that following my instincts saved my baby's life (my milk didn't come in and she urgently needed formula), having a routine, her sleeping in a separate crib and her own room from six months made for a much happier time for all of us. I felt so much better once I'd increased in confidence and was able to parent my way instead of the way others were trying to force me into.

The attachment parenting thing is interesting. When you look at some of the advice that was given to mothers before, I think where AP was coming from makes a lot more sense. It's basically, respond to your baby's cues, small babies want a lot of touch, and trust your instincts rather than a timer. And a lot of the co-sleeping stuff was driven by the increase in BF, because it just makes a lot more sense when you are BF and ups the chances you will have a good outcome.

But a lot of it makes the most sense when you are talking about very small infants, the 4th trimester. Once they begin to get a bit older, I think it's less in line with kids real needs and development, it doesn't give many options to manage problems, and it is really hard on the parents.

As a ‘maternally ambivalent, good enough mother,’ I really enjoyed this. Thank you.

Yes, re attachment parenting. I can remember being told repeatedly (by HCPs, extended family and the awful 'natural parenting' magazine I was given a sub to as a present in the early days) that everything had to be on demand and schedules were really bad, which made me absolutely terrified to try and have any routine at all. I was thoroughly miserable, loathing every second, had severe PND from all this pressure and was googling 'putting baby up for adoption' as I plainly wasn't up to the job, when I happened to see a book called 'how to enjoy the first year', bought it, discovered it described a routine like it wasn't absolutely the worst thing you could ever do. And that's what turned everything round, our days took on a rhythm that meant we could all be happy and I actually did start enjoying my baby.

The pressure didn't stop - I'd get comments about using a playpen, or the pram rather than the sling, and the bullying for combi-feeding rather than EBF was awful, but I became more confident and was better able to ignore it.

plonked you in front of the tv for hours, or let you play out until sunset, walk home alone, or just kind of didn’t see you much except at meal times.

[cough] gosh how awful, imagine doing that now, dear me.

SmokedDuck, 'attachment' theory, though, it does surely mostly apply to the ages up to 3? Having a strong attachment to caregiver, lots of interaction, etc. Beyond that age, does it apply?

And I still snuggle up to my kids now to put them to sleep. They started wanting bedtime snuggles again when lockdown started and we've kept going, it's been lovely.

I think it isn't really any specific regime or idea or style or theory that is the problem, it's more that anyone insists that there is only the One True Way to do it and everything else is as good as abuse.

That said, when I look back, I do think that a lot of the judgement comes from within. When I think back to the early years, there weren't that many people genuinely threatening me with hellfire for doing, or not doing, a certain thing. There migth have been a bit of judgement here and there, but I also sense there was a part of me that jumped on that judgement and used it as a stick to beat myself.

The problem was the fear. Fear of doing it wrong, fear of never being good enough, fear of damaging the kids or letting them down. I suppose just general anxiety.

Why would we be so damn anxious about everything?

Yes, re attachment parenting. I can remember being told repeatedly (by HCPs, extended family and the awful 'natural parenting' magazine I was given a sub to as a present in the early days) that everything had to be on demand and schedules were really bad
I had children during peak Gina Ford and was thought of as being a bit mental for being a cloth nappy using, baby carrying hippy mum! And I struggle with routine at the best of times, Gina used to make me break out into a cold sweat
Another reason why saying there is a "right" way is unhelpful

When I had my kids twenty years ago the shift to nursery care was coming in. There was a lot of debate about what the consequences of nursery care were going to be.

There seem to be data coming out of Sweden saying the children became more socially conforming and had higher cortisol levels. Now it seems we don’t talk about it anymore - it is taboo to discuss the consequences

On MN 15 years ago there were many, many debates about using nursery care and how potentially harmful it was. The debate has largely gone away purely because it’s now economically essential for 2 parents to work in many families. There is no choice so there’s no debate.

Aye, but Gina Ford is not really right.

Hold on, can we say that on here? Do I have to spin round three times and touch my collar, or something?

@AliasGrape

Thank you for sharing. So much of this rang true for me - it’s helped me to get a handle on something I’ve felt for a while, that ironically I’d probably have coped far better with my traumatic birth and EMCS had I not bought into all the ‘empowering’ hypnoborthing stuff beforehand. Something that was supposed to empower and embolden me left me feeling like a complete and utter failure in the end, and has dogged pretty much every aspect of motherhood since.

I recognise this. I had hypnobirthing lessons and had a fairly rigid idea what I wanted the birth to be like. Then I got diabetes, there were concerns about the baby’s growth, failed induction, caesarean, he had low blood sugar (the diabetes), lost lots of weight even though I had thought breast feeding was going ok, so I didn’t trust breastfeeding and blamed myself when I swapped to formula (another fantasy, like the natural birth, that I would breast feed him). I felt like a failure in every way in the newborn days and it definitely contributed to mental health problems. Maybe if I hadn’t been encouraged to write a birth plan of everything I wanted but now realise I had little control over getting I wouldn’t have blamed myself so much.

Following with interest

@Angelica789

When I had my kids twenty years ago the shift to nursery care was coming in. There was a lot of debate about what the consequences of nursery care were going to be.

There seem to be data coming out of Sweden saying the children became more socially conforming and had higher cortisol levels. Now it seems we don’t talk about it anymore - it is taboo to discuss the consequences

On MN 15 years ago there were many, many debates about using nursery care and how potentially harmful it was. The debate has largely gone away purely because it’s now economically essential for 2 parents to work in many families. There is no choice so there’s no debate.

There is debate among early years specialists. It's hard, though, precisely because nobody wants to put more pressure on families who have no choice.

I did Gina Ford with a cloth nappy baby!
But got awfully anxious when the baby woke too early from his nap. Moved on to the Baby Whisperer which was less strict.
14 years later I still hold myself to high standards about the amount of fruit and veg the dc eat, how much screen time they have etc. And worry about PILs (especially MIL) judgement on table manners.

Really good article.

Without contemporary perfect motherism, it’d be very much harder to sell us all those ideas and things we don’t need; it’s a big win for consumer capitalism.

The problem with motherhood is that the judgement is from other women, not men. Men couldn’t care less usually, as long as the kids are healthy and reasonably happy.

That’s not been my experience. Men who don’t know me well have always been the ones to judge. I’ve lost count of the tidbits of patronising advice I’ve received from men who don’t even have kids themselves.

Could be that I’m a single mum.

@ArabellaScott

plonked you in front of the tv for hours, or let you play out until sunset, walk home alone, or just kind of didn’t see you much except at meal times.

[cough] gosh how awful, imagine doing that now, dear me.

SmokedDuck, 'attachment' theory, though, it does surely mostly apply to the ages up to 3? Having a strong attachment to caregiver, lots of interaction, etc. Beyond that age, does it apply?

And I still snuggle up to my kids now to put them to sleep. They started wanting bedtime snuggles again when lockdown started and we've kept going, it's been lovely.

It's been a while, but the theory is that by having a secure attachment to the parents or main caregivers, the child learns to be confident, and gradually increases their circle of attachment. And yes, up about to the toddler years. The opposite was to cope by trying to detach from the baby.

What I found though was that it was like the AP people took it all to extremes. So a two year old was in some ways almost seen as attached as a newborn, and there was a weird focus on doing certain things or else you would ruin your baby through stress. So slings weren't just a good tool with some great advantages, if you ever used a pram you were being "detached".

And there was also an extreme focus on being baby-led, and not ever allowing the baby to cry, because babies (and even toddlers!) always know what they really need. So no trying to establish a gentle routine, or even encourage sleeping at night or napping alone so mum can get a shower or have a few minutes to herself, etc.

I don't understand why folk think "parenting" (when and why did we start using that fucking stupid term) has to have a philosophy. Just do what suits you and is easier and fits your family. You can use a cloth wrap to carry your child about while they are wearing a disposable nappy, an organic cotton babygro and soaking down an Ella's pouch. Absolutely nobody else will care. I have never given a fuck if someone has a c section or is bottle feeding or uses cloth nappies or has an uppababy fancy pram. Why would anyone care about the choices and decisions you make? No one is judging you. No one gives a shit about anyone else and their kids.

You are judging you.

That's the problem. At work, on social media, in relationships, at the hairdresser, in bed...it's not just mams that have this obsession with there being a gold standard. Everyone does. There's no gold standard. There's no best of anything. There's no medal. No moment where you can go "Now. Now I am perfect. Now I have won." No one is watching you win the prize of most magnificent mam or greatest worker or most fabulous fuck. No one is in the least bit bothered about you so there's really no point imagining that you have to perform for an audience. Suit yourself because you are going to have to do it all over again tomorrow.

I thin you are right about the gold standard thing in general.

With parenting though, I think another reason people are looking for answers is that we've become cut off from a tradition of parenting or childrearing. Smaller families, people move away from grandparents, communities are mixed and people don't have the same way of doing things as their neighbours. Lots of people have a child and have never really spent any time with children, the whole thing is pretty new to them. And then the way of life people have, with both parents working, being pretty isolated, and so forth, means some of the ways people used to do things won't really work any more.

And there are so many choices about what to do, buy, what the science supposedly says, the best medical choices....

So they are looking for a place to start, a set of rules to guide them, and some way they can make the choices they are being asked to make.

So much of this has become about the marketing of parenting and I agree that its linked to mothers having to start from scratch because there's been a loss of background / cultural knowledge about how parenting works due to smaller nuclear families etc.

I'm a new mum (literally posting from the postnatal ward) and I bought reams of second hand baby books over lockdown to compare- everything from attachment parenting, montessori, Gina Ford and all in between. Almost every single one promised to give the answer of how to have a happy baby and child as long as you followed their rules to the letter

One book I ended up throwing in the bin rather than giving to charity because it said that allowing a baby to cry for longer than 10 seconds caused brain damage and I couldn't bare the thought of some vulnerable mother reading it and feeling even guiltier.

The only book that resonated with what my friends have told me about their experiences was Libby Purves "how not to be a perfect mother" (or something similar). Lots of women trying different things that worked for them, not always getting it right but adapting along the way. But of course you can't create a best selling parenting solution off "Do your best and give yourself a break if it doesn't always work out"..

I so enjoyed this article. It resonated deeply; I didn’t stop nodding.

I’m a first time mum and I have this crushing internal pressure to do everything ‘right’. I don’t know how to trust my gut and so I seek validation for all my choices from external sources. It’s crap.

The issue for me (and probably most mums) is it IS such a monumentally important yet woefully under appreciated job, bringing up the next generation. I want her to be sane and kind and resilient etc. and I don’t want to accidentally jeopardise that. I feel clueless. And then there’s the lack of support and a total a absence of recognition of how hard it is.

(I wondered if it had anything to do with the crippling isolation of giving birth and coping with a newborn in the pandemic, but it seems like I’m not alone. Fuck, that was hard though.)

Any thoughts on how to shrug off the cloak of unattainable perfectionism? I know it’s as simple as “just do what works for you”, but my mind cannot get to grips with it for whatever reason.