Help with what to bring up at a VAWG session today at 12.30

[Bathazar]

Hello everyone,

Not sure if this is the right place to post but will give it a go anyway.

I have been invited to a consultation session today to support the development of a new Violence against Women and Girls Strategy.

The session will provide opportunities to share my thoughts on what I think needs to happen to improve support for survivors of violence and abuse across the boroughs of Hammersmith & Fulham, Kensington & Chelsea, and Westminster.

I was only invited yesterday, and although I have a personal interest in helping and supporting VAWG, I am drawing a blank on what I want to say. The only thing I can think of is more funding!! And off the back of that:

1. Easier access to free legal advice
2. Access to therapy should be easier and quicker
3. Removing the red tape that blocks accessing support (a friend of mine was not allowed to have therapy after she was raped because it might interfere with the court case)

I'm not sure whether these are valid suggestions and I am not sure what else to add. I guess my imposter syndrome is surfacing and I am pretty nervous about having a voice after so many years of being silenced in an abusive relationship.

If anyone could talk to me about this I think I'd feel a whole lot better!

TIA

Would it help to think about it as ‘what things would have made it easier for me to get help sooner and more effectively’? So it might be practical things like having a helpline number on display at the GP practice, or being able to go to a local Freedom course or not having to wait for a place at a refuge or not being able to use a refuge because you had a pet or a child who is a teenage boy.

I’ve written strategies, and a good way to do it is to build up from the practical things that need to change, and work out what overall strategic approach would work best to make all those practical changes happen.

You've taken a look at Dr Jess Taylor's site and resources?

www.victimfocus.org.uk/about-us

Not an expert but had a quick google as the first person that came to mind about this was Karen Ingala Smith.

womansplaceuk.org/2020/02/08/what-needs-to-happen-to-end-violence-against-women-karen-ingala-smith/

There's some good content there.

SpringBluebellWoods - thank you, that's a helpful way of looking at it, and some good suggestions too. I wish I had more time to prepare for this. I am working today too so I can only really bring in rough ideas for now.

EmbarrassingAdmissions - no I have never seen this before, I've had a quick look and it seems really interesting and informative. Thanks so much. Wish I didn't have to work today so I could read through it properly before the meeting GAH!

Also, sorry for your many years in your abusive relationship. I'm glad you're out now. You are definitely NOT an imposter if you're talking about this!

Have a read of the content that's been posted above, maybe make a note of 3 to 4 points which you feel are relevant to you? I've found that when talking to people about an emotive subject it's best to focus on 3 to 4 bullet points - it helps me not wander..

If they’re any good at their jobs, they will have carefully thought about what they want to get out of this conversation, and how best to lead you through it to get what they need without being too personal or upsetting. So, while its great that you’re preparing, I don’t think they’ll be expecting that at all, and will have structured their questions accordingly.

Anyway, I hope it goes well, and I think you’re very brave and public-spirited to do it.

There's so much to refer to OP, I feel for you having to prepare at such short notice!

I hope this is useful, though I agree with others that speaking from personal experience will be more powerful than anything else. I too am glad you escaped and have this opportunity to speak.

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachmentdata/file/976731/TheeRelationshipbetweennPornographyuseeandHarmfullSexualBehaviourssv1.pdf

The government appear to be committed to looking at the effects of porn and the connection with it to VAWG.

In addition to funding and all the points mentioned so far, I would say a broader point about misogyny and attitudes and treatment of women are the 'background' with VAWG, porn, prostitution etc being the 'foreground'.

If I can I will dig out the Parliament tv link to watch Karen Ingala Smith so you can see her deliver her piece but speak from the heart, goodness knows you've been through it to know yourself what would have helped you.

a quick thanks to you all, I am in a meeting at the moment so will come back in a bit to try and read properly.

I do think the porn thing is quite an important topic...misogyny and attitudes towards women need to be looked at

Please could you mention safe housing after refuge. Also there's no support for disabled victims and really not any understanding of needs for middle aged and older victims like menopause stuff.
I was in a refuge somewhere else and there was a possibility of a flat in one of the areas you mention. I was so frightened and confused and overwhelmed at that point. I rang the domestic abuse service in that borough to say I might be leaving refuge to go to a flat in their area and my refuge had said I was at risk of murder by my ex. It's a different area from home but refuge said I needed support moving on and leaving the refuge. The woman who answered sounded young and maybe just inexperienced instead of not nice but I told her the refuge would want to transfer me to their services for support if I got the flat but she told me I wouldn't be necessarily get support from them. It made me feel so scared of a fresh start and made me feel more desperate to go back to my ex as I couldn't cope without support.

Sorry for personal story it's just so relevant the areas you mentioned. I probably being suicidally stupid posting as definitely means I have no chance of help if I try to leave again. I've discovered if you make any of the services angry like one staff member, it's closing ranks and you become seen as not deserving of help even if very high risk. Sorry again. Just main points really is safe housing after refuge and support for disabled and older victims needed.

How about education in schools about reading materials on red flags.
Things that show the perpetrators methods and walking away before it can escalate.
Prevention rather than cure.

If you're disabled or no safe housing you can't walk away even when you know red flags.

They don't show red flags until later on. Then too late because nowhere safe to go.

I was thinking more about Red flags for new relationships.
Where he doesn't like your friends.
Won't visit your family.
Love bombs, or avoids your calls.
If we can get girls to see these small things are clues to who this person might be.

thanks again all of you.

I've made a list, its probably too long and wordy, and I'll get too nervous to say it all properly, but its there.

I have added safe housing and more support for older / disabled victims. I'm so sorry you went through that, nosafeguardingadults - sounds really scary.

Whythesadface - at the bottom of my notes I have written exactly that. Prevention instead of cure is what's important if we want this epidemic to die off with the next generation. If I'd have been taught in school that what was happening at home was wrong, I might not have had a child with a violent bully. Luckily I have broken the chain...that is not the case for my siblings though. Children in primary school need to be taught at a grass roots level what is acceptable and what is not.

Just try to remember you're there because people want to hear your thoughts and experiences. It's too much to think 'I'm here to speak for all women' - that would make anyone clam up! Just tell them what would have helped you, what would have been important to you, what would have helped you seek or get help quicker.

It can be really hard for people to speak up so you will be supported and someone else will lead the conversation. You'll be brilliant - pop back and let us know how it goes x

Thank you so much Bathazar.

They don't all do red flags at start. It wasn't like that for my partner. He was good about seeing friends and family and stuff. Only later on when more trapped started stopping that.

Good luck you'll be great.

Good luck, we've got your back and let us know how it goes!

Thank you all so much, it went really well and once I started speaking I couldn't stop!! I spoke with confidence and passion and I spoke clearly and unfaltering. I surprised myself. I guess that's what happens when you feel very strongly about the subject.

I mentioned all the points written here and many more. They had to interrupt me and ask me to email the list because they were running out of time 😂. I hope this goes some way to improving services and support at the point where help is needed. But I also made it clear that this needs to be looked at as a preventative not a cure, and that education is key. Let's hope they listened!! They said they would be inviting me to future sessions.

Thanks again all of you xxx

Also there are a few links up thread that I haven't looked at, and I will later tonight. Thank you.

Fantastic! And to be invited back - you must have really wowed them!

When you email perhaps you could add that services funded for exclusively women only which do not have any men involved are crucial .well done though It sounds as though you were able to contribute a huge amount.

Well done

Great job! I hope you feel really proud of yourself tonight, you did good

thecatonthemat - have added this point to my email, thank you very much xx

thanks all, I do feel proud of myself and I really hope I can become more involved in this type of thing. I really want to give back and help those women who need help in the same way I did