Accused of transphobia

[AtalantaRun]

Just need to vent really. I'm part of a private Facebook group for people who have bought a particular gentle parenting course. It's a very nicey nicey group, a fairly large proportion of American members. Overall a good place where people are generally respectful to each other and helpful.

Someone asked about info around gender non conforming children and I posted my experiences with my son, who was very 'feminine' in some of his interests and still is. The thrust of my post was I support him to have any interest or preference he wants, but don't make a big deal out of it. I'll add my post to the bottom of this one.

I get a reply about how I'm not supporting him by not talking too much about it and society will tell him anyway and I could cause him to be overwhelmed, that it sounded like I was only willing to support him to a point and stuff about trans kids identities. I replied reiterating the way I support him, including that I want him to grow up not seeing certain things as only for girls and vice versa. That I have spoken to him when it's arisen but mostly it doesn't. I get a reply about how I need to "unpack" what I'm thinking and continued implication I'm less than supportive and understanding etc.

At this point I'm really stressed. Why am I so stressed?? I just find this kind of conversation makes me really on edge. The woman publicly standing up against all this are just awe inspiring to me because I find even a private group thread impossible.

I decide it's silly to be stressed over a stranger on social media, but can't find how to mute a specific conversation on Facebook like you can twitter, so just delete my replies. I don't want notifications anymore. So then this person posts again saying my transphobia is concerning and they think while it's great I've realised I've done wrong, my comments shouldnt be allowed to be deleted. They strawman paraphrase me saying "it's not regressive to support a child supporting gender" when what I'd actually said was "it's regressive to tell a child you doesn't have sex stereotypical preferences that they may be born in the wrong body".

Anyway the whole thing just makes me so wound up and anxious and I've got to take my hat off to the many brave women who are not so pathetic as me. I don't know if its a deep need to people please or what that makes it so hard. It feels so obvious to me that kids should be kids but I feel like I'm seen as a monster for it. And judged on my parenting.

Whew. Anyway sorry if you've got this far I just needed to get it off my chest. My original transphobic post is below if anyone is interested.

When my dd was 2 she insisted she was a unicorn. Invited people to feel the bump on her forehead when her horn was growing out (there was no bump, btw) and was wholly, fully committed to this for nearly a year.

According to tra theory I should have been renaming her Princess Sparkle Mane and booking her in for equine hormones and surgery? Children roleplay, children pretend, it's what they do. Gently remind them of facts when necessary and let them play.

She's now a 6 year old half princess half goth. She still loves unicorns but doesn't believe she is one and is torn whether to be a mermaid or an astronaut wren she grows up. Kids are awesome when you just let them be.

Doh. Basically, I agree with your approach. Some FB groups are Bagshot. Don't take it personally and consider leaving the group

Bagshot? I believe i typed batshit, tyvm autocorrect.

You could try challenging her by bringing up the issue of homophobia.

Say that studies show that roughly half of gnc boys grow up to be gay men, and that because you are not homophobic, you would rather leave that path open for him, rather than set him on a "trans" path that would convert him into a straight girl before he is too young to understand what his sexual orientation might be.

This article is a review of 41 studies that, taken toghether, confirm that figure:

Childhood sex-typed behavior and sexual orientation: A conceptual analysis and quantitative review. Bailey, J. Michael • 1995

@ArabellaScott

Your post is very reasonable and balanced. But you are not dealing with reasonable and balanced people

This, really. It's hard if you're used to discussing things in an egalitarian way, and then people react in an emotive, faith-driven way. I guess maybe like an agnostic discussing religion with an extreme hardliner.

Sorry you got crap for it. FWIW, if it's an American group then I think that will make it doubly hard - different words, cultural cues, context, etc.

I think that's it really, normally on the group there can be a bit of disagreement about things but it's whole ethos is to be a almost nauseatingly respectful. In this case it didn't matter that I had a different approach that was clearly still trying to do my best, it didn't toe the line of gender ideology so it became fine to accuse me of bigotry. It was rational conversation meeting faith!

6 people have liked what I wrote and no one else has replied, so hopefully I can take some comfort in the fact I've put something on there that some agree with and maybe some others might reflect on.

I think that's also what upset me, people need to be pushing back against this and I feel so strongly about it, so I really hate how basically weak and fearful I feel about actually standing up to these people. If no one does it will just be allowed to take over and I wish I had the backbone that matched the strength of feeling I have on this issue. Maybe the more you do it, the easier it becomes.

I think a better approach than waffling on might have been to just ask "what's a gender non-conforming child?" and let them explain it, following up with more earnest, good faith sounding questions... And just let them expose the sexism themselves.