Surrogacy ends in abortion and ends a friendship

[OhHolyJesus]

This is an 'altruistic' surrogacy story between two friends in New Zealand.

A woman offers herself for the pregnancy for her friend called Jane for the purposes of the article (who had a very traumatic pregnancy and labour with her daughter and she was told a second pregnancy would keep her in hospital for months at best).

"Jane's friend piped up with the offer of a lifetime. "Out of the blue, she said, 'I'd make a good surrogate because when I had my pregnancy, I didn't really feel it,'" recalls Jane. "She said she'd talk to her husband and get back to me." Not long after, they began the process of surrogacy."

All seemed to go well with separate legal and medical advice but he surrogate mother struggled and her and her husband were clearly traumatised:

"When the Weekly approached the surrogate couple to share their side of the story, they asked to remain anonymous. The surrogate's husband said, "We entered into the agreement with a genuine desire to help. Unfortunately, things did not go to plan and she became very sick with prenatal depression. This is probably a more complicated story than it appears on the surface. Jane and John do not really know the whole situation."

(So not every pregnancy is the same, even if you have had easy pregnancies in the past, perhaps the depression was connected to a sense of inevitable grief?)

"Today, the couples are no longer in contact and Jane still doesn't know why their baby was terminated. "On reflection, it started to go downhill while prepping for the embryo transfer, but John and I didn't see it," she says. "The surrogate didn't like the process at the fertility clinic or the one choice of counsellor we had. I think she felt like she was let down."

Their baby.

To me, Jane appears to believe she has rights to force her friend to continue with the pregnancy.

""It was our biological baby and Jenny's biological sibling. I could've explained how it was going to affect the rest of our lives. Even though everyone has walked away from this and even though it's painful, I'll talk about it. I never expected I'd have to worry about someone terminating our baby. It never crossed my mind."

The article mentions that law reform is being discussed, or rather looking to be enforced:

"Labour MP Tāmati Coffey, who, with his partner Tim Smith, welcomed their son Tūtānekai by surrogate in 2019, currently has a members' bill in ballot calling for modern laws for modern families. It includes reform of birth certificates, providing a way
to enforce surrogacy arrangements and creating a register of potential surrogates."

www.nzherald.co.nz/lifestyle/kiwi-mums-heartbreak-after-surrogate-terminates-her-pregnancy-i-went-into-shock/52Y6PO5M4LV73RGZF67TX5E4LU/

Just quickly posting this from Instagram this morning, I don't know any more details.

Another tragic death of a surrogate mother.

PM on Radio 4 have been covering Harriet Harman's cammpaign for an apology to all the women who were coerced or outright forced into giving up their babies when being a single mother was a terrible socio-economic disaster. Early Day Motion

It absolutely enrages me that people who are nothing but sympathetic to the anguish of girls and women in the 50's, 60's and 70's who had their babies forcibly confiscated, seem wilfully blind to the anguish of paid surrogates who are similarly coerced by poverty today and smugly pretend that it's a free choice.

They make me fucking sick tbh.

Maybe your DD has said this in a lighthearted way and not considered the reality, but aside from the who's egg, who's sperm question (so the DNA is not too closely related, and the effects of the drugs that are needed to 'host' a donor egg pregnancy) would it be her first pregnancy

I know the thread has moved on but to answer your question...she was probably 18 when it was mentioned and she has no clue what so ever about childbirth and its perils!

It was a conversation where a friend just said ‘well you could always get a surrogate’ it just started me thinking really

areyouthereyet

When considering what to do if I couldn't conceive, I knew I could never ask a woman to give me her body parts or use her body so I could have a baby. Never. It was adoption or being an awesome aunt.

Now that I've gone through childbirth, I am even more convinced surrogacy is something that should never be asked of anyone.

Also, my DD was 15 when she was sent advertisements to donate eggs. Seriously.

It was a conversation where a friend just said ‘well you could always get a surrogate’ it just started me thinking really

I do understand that the casual nature of that statement and I can't really blame someone who thinks it's easy and harmless when that's what they have seen or read or been told about surrogacy.

I do lay a large portion of blame for that at the door of the MSM who fail to look at this highly controversial issue in any great depth or explore alternatives or show personal stories of 'surrogacy regret'.

It's worse that doctors are actively advising patients at fertility clinics, or in hospitals to consider surrogacy as an 'option'. I suppose it could be argued that a Dr has to present all medical routes to a solution but I wonder how ethical it is for a doctor to suggest another woman uses her body in this way to provide medical 'treatment'.

What happened to do not harm?

I think Ghislaine Gendron says it better than I ever could. I found it from here

stopsurrogacynowuk.org/2021/04/22/welcome-to-stop-surrogacy-now-uk/

This is the link to the WHRC webinar on surrogacy.

BTW @Delphinium20 thank you for the excellent posts, it's so nice having someone from the USA commenting and giving us a wider perspective. Especially interesting post last night 02:43 our time.

Also @Delphinium20 I just listened to this podcast today. Kylee suffered a stroke after egg collection and very nearly died from the combination of Ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome and the stroke.

The podcast discusses the targeting of young college girls, tempting them with the $$$ to help pay their fees.

If you haven't already heard it I recommend you listen to it with your daughter, and hopefully she can tell her friends.

As an aside to all the obvious medical issues I was amazed at how much this young woman was expected to be at the beck and call of the agency and the couple buying the eggs, flying up to Canada twice for assessment and the eventual egg collection, having to precisely take the drugs to make her cycle fit that of the intending mother. Even without a near death experience it seemed like a hell of a lot of trouble for $6000 and trying to fit it all in around her own commitments like work etc.

These young women are treated no better than a battery hen. It was telling how she noticed how nice the decor of the Canadian fertility clinic was until she'd gone through the egg collection and was put in a scruffy back room to recover. She instantly realised she was of no more use to them.

podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/venus-rising/id1481872967?i=1000517068532

@FannyCann

BTW *@Delphinium20* thank you for the excellent posts, it's so nice having someone from the USA commenting and giving us a wider perspective. Especially interesting post last night 02:43 our time.

Hahaha....yes! I'm sure the night watchers on MN might occasionally wonder about me! I should post an American flag next to each one just alerting them that, really, I'm not a late-night plopped, it's really just my evening scrolling....

Hugs UK I wish we could all meet up at your cool British pubs and see you in person...damn COVID, my passport is dusty.

*plopper

There's one advantage to making surrogacy illegal, even if people find ways to do it anyway, but only if it's done on the Nordic Model. Requesting or paying for it should be illegal.

The good part is it puts the ability to control what happens to her body with the woman whose body is doing the work. If she wants to dub them in, she can, so the buyers will be a little bit careful about treating her as an incubator.

The other good part is that if a woman really does want to do an altruistic surrogacy, she can. And it leaves her free to change her mind at any time.

It would, presumably, also reduce any tendency of the surrogacy clients to change their minds, since then they'd be in for criminal charges.

So a male MP in NZ wants to bring in a law that would force women to carry on with a pregnancy they discovered they would not willingly have continues?

Utter, utter bastards.

Here's a link to a recent case in NZ and discussion here.

Sorry, I'm going to split up my posts as I'm on my phone and it's easier to c/p that way.

Surrogacy ends in abortion and ends a friendship www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/4239144-Surrogacy-ends-in-abortion-and-ends-a-friendship

@Delphinium20 I have pm'd you. X

Just bumping this thread as today NZ has voted in self ID.

And meanwhile at least one MP wants to make surrogacy agreements binding meaning a woman who gets second thoughts about an arrangements she has entered into will not be able to have an abortion but will be force to see it through.

The article mentions that law reform is being discussed, or rather looking to be enforced:

"Labour MP Tāmati Coffey, who, with his partner Tim Smith, welcomed their son Tūtānekai by surrogate in 2019, currently has a members' bill in ballot calling for modern laws for modern families. It includes reform of birth certificates, providing a way
to enforce surrogacy arrangements and creating a register of potential surrogates."

www.nzherald.co.nz/lifestyle/kiwi-mums-heartbreak-after-surrogate-terminates-her-pregnancy-i-went-into-shock/52Y6PO5M4LV73RGZF67TX5E4LU/