Consenting to unwanted touching

[Teapot13]

This article from the New York Times Magazine discusses how women are socialized to allow touching that makes them uncomfortable -- mostly in social situations, but also in intimate settings.

I recognize the seemingly minor things although I haven't experienced the type of sexual incident she describes as a pre-teen.

As the mother of three daughters, I am trying to think of ways to avoid this. I do not encourage them to hug or kiss people if they don't want to. I have also taught the oldest (preteen) to politely avoid unwanted hugs by extending her right hand for a handshake.

All this seems hopelessly inadequate -- what ideas do others have?

You can have explicit conversations with older children and teens about consent and boundaries, but what you describe I do not encourage them to hug or kiss people if they don't want to. I have also taught the oldest (preteen) to politely avoid unwanted hugs by extending her right hand for a handshake.

is something that I think is good practice applied to all children of either sex, from a very young age. I can still remember the look of relief on a young nephew's face when I gave him the option of a handshake or wave when he was told to kiss be goodbye.

* I can still remember the look of relief on a young nephew's face when I gave him the option of a handshake or wave when he was told to kiss be goodbye.*

That's great!

I don't force any touch on my kids (unless they're in danger). I ask consent before brushing hair, teeth, etc.

Have also tried to be clear that they owe nobody affection. Have had to counter schools daft insistence that they have to be friends with everyone. Polite and respectful, yes. Friends, no.

I have a SEND 3 year old. I always ask before doing something even though I know she doesn’t get it (yet).
Having been on the receiving end of non-consensual sexual touching recently (and trying to take legal action), I’m also very keen to hear what other parents do.

Link is broken when I click on it?

Arabella there also seems to be a lot of talk around being kind. This drives me mad.

OP, teach them about boundaries not just of touching but unwanted words and actions. Teach them to be assertive and be firm if they feel uncomfortable. Model the behaviour and the words to use in your day to day life. In all relationships, but especially romantic ones, teach them to have high expectations eg mutual respect etc. Be a good role model and find other role models.

I'm not convinced that the approaches I usually see on this are very helpful.

Consent is great when it is straightforward but these kinds of situations tend to happen because people feel conflicted, or what they think and what they feel aren't on the same page.

Similarly, it may not matter if you don't kiss smelly great-gran when you are seven (except to great gran) but avoiding it doesn't really give you any tools to assess the situations that are likely to be problematic, or make decisions about what is more important in a given situation. Is great-gran actually a danger to you? Why does she want a kiss? Why do you feel uncomfortable? What is the outcome you want in the end?

Most of us as adults would realise, probably it would be the best decision to kiss her, the fact that she smells funny is irrelevant to what is important, that she is harmless and that she loves you and needs love also. Discomfort with her age is just a superficial feeling that isn't as important as that.

In another situation, a feeling of risk or discomfort might be an important thing to pay attention to. In a situation involving sexual consent, people often have quite contradictory feelings.

I tend to think that when parents teach kids it's all about listening to their feelings in the moment, without asking why they feel that, or how they assess the situation, they do them a disservice. It's by learning to navigate those situations, and realising that they will bear some responsibility for the decisions they make in the end, that they become empowered and also able to make good judgements.

YouNoob, yes, the 'kind' thing is also problematic. I try to push it towards polite and respectful, again.

It's assertion that often needs to be taught - if a child is assertive, secure and self confident I expect this would actually lessen incidents of violence, bullying, etc. We don't seem to be very good at discerning assertive behaviour from aggression.

SmokedDuck, well, who knows what will work or not in the end - it makes sense to me to respect my children's boundaries to show them very clearly that their own choices and boundaries are valid.

Discussing why we may feel conflicted or confusing emotions is another part of parenting - letting a child know they can be open about their feelings (not to smelly great aunt, but to parent, later) and not be castigated or judged for feeling a certain way. So active listening and taking time to discuss things with children - not easy, but enormously helpful in my experience.

I think the handshake encouragement idea is a good one. Supported by education on boundaries.

It's important to talk about the feelings and why they feel how they do. However, it's equally as important to teach girls (and ourselves tbf) to trust their visceral emotion/gut reaction/intuition.

The times I put myself in awkward, potentially hazardous situations have been due to ignoring my gut feelings over being nice. It's a process certainly but something to talk to girls about.

As a few posters have noted, I feel the examples I gave are inadequate given the scope of the problem!

Agree that focusing on gut feelings, and honoring those feelings, is key. Don't get me started on kindness.

Honestly, I think you can begin this with quite small children. Teaching them that it's OK to decline a kiss/hug from anybody, including parents if they don't want to. Age appropriate body autonomy etc.
Not all children are tactile, and thats fine.