Believe Moms: There’s Something Else Going on With Trans Teens

[NecessaryScene1]

Another good piece by "Donna M":

Believe Moms: There’s Something Else Going on With Trans Teens

(Her previous piece "You’re Not Trans. You’re Just Weird." was obviously nuked by Medium for hate speech)

Let’s start with a caveat: I love passion. I do. And I have a deep, strong instinct to stick up for people whom I think are ignored or mistreated. I’m a typical bleeding-heart liberal. You know me: coexistence bumper sticker and a cloth grocery sack. I feel your pain, I do.

So let me assure you, I love those incredibly self-assured, brash, righteous, young activists who are screaming for trans rights. I see you. I’ve been one of you, too, believe it or not. And occasionally, I still go out with my protest sign and my sensible sneakers to make some noise on behalf of those who are ignored or mistreated. That’s all okay – and it’s good, and it’s necessary.

But today, I’d like you all to just take a deep breath and center some voices that are being silenced and ignored: the moms of the world. Because we moms might have a few things we’ve learned along the way, and you might save yourself a hoarse voice and some embarrassment by just stopping for a minute and listening. You might just shift your idea of who needs our protection right now.

Interesting to read - thank you 😊 I think the idea of listening to mothers is good (with caveats). I also agree that so many of the boys on SM seem...geeky and a bit anti-social rather than what most would see as trans.

I think the idea of listening to mothers is good (with caveats)

Caveats?

I guess if you've ventured into some of the rougher boards around here you might have a few.

thank you for posting this...I can totally relate

I agree about the caveats, as a lesbian with a homophobic mother who was utterly vile to me for years when I came out and with whom I still have an extremely frosty relationship. While I agree that there’s a nasty dismissal of mothers and their instincts in the trans community and beyond, let’s not make out that women universally become sages or saints when they manage to reproduce, either.

Yes exactly, pinchoftums

I agree about the caveats, as a lesbian with a homophobic mother who was utterly vile to me for years when I came out and with whom I still have an extremely frosty relationship.

Yes, we do know there is a subset of the phenomenon that can be glibly described as the "Munchausen Mermaids mums".

Listening to everyone is the key. And actually listening to what they're saying, not the story they're telling. People latch onto stories, but the real issues come out around the edges.

Well yes, the munchausens mothers, but also those who simply don’t listen to/don’t know their children, or aren’t safe for their children to talk to for any one of a myriad reasons, or who are bigoted or simply aren’t good parents.

Unfortunately, there is a long history of mother-blame by clinicians, especially in psychology and psychiatry. I've no reason to think gender clinicians are immune.

As a result, I'd suggest any mother in the position of pushing back against hasty medical treatment of a sudden onset dysphoric teen is also faced with pushing back against that very long history. Don't under-estimate the sexism.

I've no time for comparisons with homophobic parents. Every single mother I know with qualms about their child's sudden onset dysphoria has zero issues with having a gay kid. I'd been successfully and happily embracing a lesbian dd for years before another child developed dysphoria. The two states are in no way comparable in terms of making ethical mothering decisions.

And that's nothing to do with being a saint 'by virtue of managing to reproduce' - anti-natalist attitudes and language towards mothers, btw, not something I personally find particularly feminist.

But an insight that comes from experience as an intelligent, caring and knowledgeable adult.

I've got mother trauma (abuse). No need to generalise it to mothers of dysphoric teens.

Thank you for posting this. I read it and her other piece on New Discourse. It was very moving. You can hear the frustration, and the anger but mostly her love for her son.

I’m not generalising mother abuse to mothers of trans teens, or suggesting there’s any equivalence between homophobic mothers of gay kids, and concerned mothers of kids who think they’re trans. I’m simply pointing out that in my view the article cited goes too far in arguing that mothers are always the ones who know their children best. Sadly that’s not always the case.

@NecessaryScene1

I think the idea of listening to mothers is good (with caveats)

Caveats?

I guess if you've ventured into some of the rougher boards around here you might have a few.

Caveats, yes. You can’t always default to ‘mother knows best’. It would be remiss to do so automatically.

Generally, mothers do know the developmental history (relevant to dysphoria diagnosis) of their own children best.

And frankly, anyone who thinks there is a danger of defaulting to 'mother knows best' in any field related to diagnosis or treatment of dysphoria in children or teens, has clearly not experienced the historical and contemporary disdain the medical and psychological fields dish out to - specifically - mothers.

Almost zero danger of Mr or Ms Psychiatrist or Endocrinologist patting teen on the head and saying 'we need to respect your mother's wisdom here'.

Having grown up with a mother who could at best be described as “difficult”, I completely agree that we should not follow a blanket “mothers know best” policy, but the point here is that mothers simply aren’t being listened to at all. Worse, we’re being told we must erase our knowledge of our child’s early years as their former identity was a mirage, a misunderstanding or misinterpretation, or whatever, but in any event, we are absolutely wrong. We’re told to accept a new identity even as we watch it compound the existing underlying issues, adding an added level of stress and anxiety in the newfound pressure to “pass”. None of this seems to matter as places like Mermaids tell us, “if only you would try harder to accept”:with the underlying message being, “if only you weren’t so t....”.

Madness

Worse, we’re being told we must erase our knowledge of our child’s early years as their former identity was a mirage, a misunderstanding or misinterpretation, or whatever, but in any event, we are absolutely wrong.

Some parents will go along with that though - I was interested to hear the way David Bell described it, and posted a thread on it the other week.

So parents who feel very guilty, I think sometimes, if the child said... if all the difficulties get reprogrammed through the prism of gender - so now everything is gender. It's not depression, it's not autism, it's not trauma in the past that the family may feel guilty about. It's gender. And that's a completely separate thing.

That has a consequence of relieving the parents of guilt. So the parents may even join up and say: "yes, we support you in being trans" for unconscious reasons. Not because they're bad people, but for reasons they themselves don't understand.

But again, the services don't question that. And the parents who do question it, may have real concerns, are othered. So these tyrannical organisations, which do not see themselves as tyrannical, are to some extent unwittingly exploiting the vulnerability of parents.

I think there’s some truths here and I’d agree there need to be caveats.
The ‘watch and wait and provide appropriate emotional support’ talking based approach is a proportionate position. Compare that to full blown affirmation approach which is mentally and physically risky, unproven to be effective. The ‘treatments’ are physically invasive and often irreversible so shouldn’t be pursued as first line without evidence of benefit. So these are not each equivalent positions to call for, regardless of if they both are advocated for by mums or not.
I think the broader message is resonant about the misogyny and arrogance of mainstream gender politics (and genderist gender politics too) seeing mothers as silent service humans or ‘malfunctioning’ service humans if they speak up against a prevailing cultural beliefs based on their personal experience of mothering. I don’t know how much ‘mothers intuition’ has ever been valued historically though.
I like the basic premise that a child’s narrative should be considered in the context of their closest care giver who will often (but not always, obviously) be their mum. I like that she said we’re all wierd too, I think that’s true. None of us in fully gender conforming in every way and that’s normal and healthy and fine.

It's worth remembering that the State makes a very poor parent. It's why social services are reluctant to remove children from parents other than in extreme circumstances - all the evidence shows that children so appallingly in terms of every aspect of their lives and life chances.

While it's unhelpful to see every mother as a beyond reproach, the current narrative of framing mothers (and fathers) who raise concerns about transitioning as bigots alongside attempting to drive a wedge between children and their parents is unethical and dangerous. Organisations that promote this should not be allowed anywhere near children.