Why do men rape/harass/like woman-degrading porn?

[WindyPudding]

I wondered if we could discuss this or if there's anyone on MN who's studied it.

I don't mean to sound naive - I know rape is about power and control, I know misogyny is universal. But I still don't really understand why it's so normal for men to want to dominate, hurt or control women.

Even in the current "moment" of violence against women being in the spotlight, people don't really seem to be asking this question. Even when they see that it's men who should not do this, and not women who are responsible. Where does it come from to start with? It could be evolutionary but early humans needed to function and support each other in mixed-sex groups, so you'd think it would not be advantageous for one group to fundamentally want to harm the other.

Also like many women I've been in various relationships with men, and while I've been treated badly in various ways (as well as childhood sexual abuse and had one experience of attempted rape as an adult), I've also had relationships and sex with men who were (or at least seemed) really gently and respectful and showed no sign of wanting to dominate or hurt. So I'm wondering where it comes from, how much it has to do with being a man physically, how much culturally, and what the point of it is?

I cannot imagine enjoying in any way forcing someone else to have sex or sexually groping someone without their consent - or enjoying porn that degrades women (or anyone). It would feel so awful, miserable and guilt-inducing. I'm fascinated to know why it's something men want to do.

Especially porn – was it always about hurting and degrading women? If as people discussing this often say, porn is "not like real sex" and that's why it's so harmful to boys, why do boys / men want porn that is not like real sex?

Also if we could understand what this is all about, could it be changed? On the porn discussion on WH yesterday, Emma Barnett said (twice) that "porn isn't going anywhere" as if the existence of it cannot be challenged. But why not?

@dyslek

Thanks for your questions. That wasn't the problem actually interestingly enough but I could see it being the case for others.

Without wishing to get too personal, the satisfaction that I get from intimacy is entirely contingent on the sexual and emotional wellbeing of my partner. Female pleasure is basically my entire reason for being intimate in the first place, I feel almost devoted to it (without wanting to sound weird..!).

One has to be careful though because there is another cohort of Men who sort of pretend to like pleasuring their partners because it makes them feel more potent. I Monitor that in myself almost constantly.

As to your last point, yes sadly I think it is Porn. I'm in my mid 20s and virtually everyone grew up watching it, Boys and Girls.

I believe when it comes to sex there is no ‘normal’ or one size fits all approach and not should there be. With regards to porn, my generation (36+) know it’s not ‘real sex’ but it is a worry for our children that they think it is as they are so exposed to it.

There was a thread on here the other day, a young adult female basically every man she comes across wants to choke etc etc. I did read it and think it was really sad that that’s what it’s come to. There is no way in hell every man likes doing that the same as there is no way every woman likes to receive that type of sex. Some people do, of course and that is fantastic, as long as it is discussed. It’s almost like it’s fashionable so people feel pressured to like it. If you do great bit if you don’t that’s ok too!

I didn’t discover what I liked sexually until well into my twenties and that’s fine with me. If I’d been exposed to so much porn I think I’d have felt pressure to ‘like’ a certain thing or act a certain way.

@Nellie850

I agree with a lot of what you say, especially as communicating what we want is so important, and not something we do terribly well in the UK unless lubricated by Alcohol - which creates a whole lot of other problems.

The issue I feel is that while people who do like that kind of thing are entitled to do what they feel is right for them, at the margins it almost always ends up hurting someone. I think of the Girl you mentioned, her perception of Intimacy is now out of whack because of mad power games that she wanted no part in. I empathise greatly.

I think the message of Embracing one's Sexuality is being confused with and used as an excuse for acting on every single sexual thought that comes into one's head.